I've been thinking lately about the human propensity to cut off our noses to spite our face. What on earth is up with that???
Why is it that when we are hurt or angered by someone else, the knee-jerk reaction for many is to say, "Ha! I'll show THEM!" and we proceed to think of a list of things we can do *to ourselves* that will make the other person sorry they treated us badly?
They've already hurt us. If that doesn't bother them, then why should our breaking a leg, or failing a test, or performing some sort of harmful violation on ourselves change their mind?
I can empathize with the initial impulse. When I'm hurt or depressed, all sorts of vindictively morbid possibilities occupy my head. But all I actually DO is wallow in despond. I can't imagine myself ever *acting* on these urges. But I have to wonder why is this such a common reaction, anyhow? What is it about humans that cause us to be so incredibly contrary, even at our own expense?
Sure, it's a bid for control, a way of asserting ourselves against a (seemingly) uncaring world. What I don't understand is why it takes the form it does.
I suppose maybe we are the only tool at our disposal?
Or the only thing we're willing to hurt, maybe?
10 comments:
Please with sugar on top, when you figure this out, can you clue me in? Hey thanks.
It's a kicker, isn't it?
I don't understand having that reaction at all. I sat here and thought about it, I don't recall ever being like that. Perhaps as a child, but I can't think that far back. I am always utterly amazed at people who behave that way. Thank goodness others put the brakes on at their thoughts.
-H
Hmmm. Interesting question. It's clearly drama triangle stuff, right? Designed to make other people recognize that we've been victimized and that it's someone else's fault. But I think we're trying to draw other people's attention to it - not just the person that hurt us, but the world.
So if i cut off my nose and convince other people i did it because you made me, then they will punish you with disapproval. THEY will blame you. THEY will be on my side. Then YOU'll be sorry.
As you point out, the problem is it doesn't work, it's ineffective. So i think we do it when we feel powerless - which is why it's common with kids, who often are relatively powerless. But often adults feel powerless to get what they want, and aren't willing to let go of the hope of getting what they want and hence the "cutting off my nose..." bit is to shame whoever into giving them what they want.
Or maybe that's not it at all. What do i know?
:-)
H-
I can't say I'm surprised you've never felt that kind of reaction. Doesn't really fit my perception of your personality at all. ;-)
And more power to you for it, sunshine!
a-
I'm sure all of those apply - and more.
But it still leaves the question of why our perceived wants can seem more important than anything else, including damage to ourselves -- our bodies, our integrity, our self-respect.
On the other hand, I've never claimed to understand people...! ;-)
Yy
Ugh. After reading the comments, I feel like a simpleton. A child. I don't intend to self-defeat. Sometimes frustrations just bring it out.
No, no, no!!
NO feeling that way!
(Mind you, I get it, because I end up feeling foolish or completely off the mark after a good quarter of the comments I leave, too. You say the first heartfelt comment that comes to mind, and then the rest of the world turns sharp left and utters Deep Profundities and you think, "I'll just sit here and nibble chocolate, thank you...")
Nope.
My ponder was just over how baffling it is that such a counter-productive reaction is so common among us. How has this trait survived genetically?
And you agreed with me that it's confusing.
I refuse to think that makes you a simpleton!
Sorry I waxed pedantic... :-)
a-
you waxed your thoughts.
No apologies needed for that at all. :-)
I think it's about power - and I don't think I've ever thought it through before. Interesting. And Aisha's part was enlightening too.
-sin
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