The Summer of Our Discontent?

In my usual "bucking the trend" kind of fashion, I don't worry that there is too much vanilla in my relationship, but rather, that there isn't enough... 

Because mine is a relationship that falters outside the dynamic.

If there's no kink, there's just not much going on.

We're pretty much "all or nothing"...

Which, I realize, may sound idyllic to the currently kink-deprived, but I'm here to tell you that "nothing but the kink" can be every bit as frustrating as an excess of vanilla. Particularly when the fondness and caring that sustain vanilla-hood exist within the relationship -- but are allowed no voice.

At least, not usually...

However, something apparently happened while BG was out of town recently. 

Because since he's been back, there have been -- not one, not two, but three -- solid, demonstrable, and sustained moments of pure vanilla care and support.

That is positively unheard of. (And if any of you find where my teeth rolled after dropping out of my head, please let me know.)

Of course, my initial response was to presume that aliens had taken over BG's body.

On further thought, however, it also seemed possible that he has simply succumbed to the miasma of vanilla-ness that is affecting D/s relationships throughout Blogland this summer.

Now, I know most of you are not happy about how this effluvium has impacted your lives. Since I am, however, I thought maybe if I shared one small, positive outcome, it might help lessen your pain?

:-D

How does one answer this...?

SP to Jz (email):

"I saw a program on TV where they explained that, as most people know, certain activities fire up certain parts of our brains. So, when someone speaks, the speech part fires up. Only, the interesting thing is, that when men listen to women speak, it is not the speech part that fires up, but the music part.

You DO have a very musical way of speaking...

And then there are those boobs...

So now my researcher's interest is piqued...,

do you ever get the feeling that men listen to you at all?"

In Some Alternate Reality

My home looks like this

and one of these lives there with me.

I'm not hug-phobic.

I am much kinder.

I have a body like this

but walk like this

so I haven't sprained my ankle even once, much less five times.

Meaning I'm able to wear shoes like this

and this.

And 

I have this

Stranger in a Strange Land?

I've been entertaining myself lately by poking around in the world of the Erotic Awakening podcast. 

It's an interesting show, with multiple speakers and a wide variety of topics, but I'm also finding it slightly dissociative. Since circumstances have put BG 'n' me on hold for the time being, D/s has slipped to the background of my life. (Which may free up more time for the garage project but is in no way a fair trade-off as far as sensory pleasures are concerned, let me tell you!)

Now, I do suspect he will be back when his world stops spinning and we'll pick the kink back up again, but for the moment, I'm feeling decidedly outside the circle.

So, in a way, immersing myself in these podcasts is kind of like going on vacation in England. A pleasurable venture into a foreign land -- yet one where I speak the language. In strange territory, but not frighteningly lost either -- I can almost believe I could belong here ... as long as I don't open my mouth.

Between that sense of distorted reality and Weenie Girl's instinctive aversion to the more extreme kinds of play often discussed, however, I also catch myself having moments of uncertainty as to why exactly I'm making this visit in the first place. A feeling of being "in" but not quite "of" seems to settle around me.

Yet… I'm interested ... so I keep listening.

Listening, learning, thinking, absorbing, wondering…

Then, last night, the playlist came to a segment by Lee Harrington called "Playing Well With Others". It was informative and encouraging -- and, I have to admit, ultimately reassuring. Because he ended with the statement that, "The kink community is a broad and diverse place -- and you, being a unique person, deserve to find the part of the community that fits right with you."

Maybe there is still room here for the displaced situational sub, after all.

Now, if only they'd do a podcast on, "It's Okay To Be a Weenie", all would be right with my world.  :-)

The Spirit is Willing...

So, I got a little distracted the other day, reading that nilla's Master said she couldn't cut her hair because it had just reached the point where he could wrap a fistful of hair fully around his hand.

That is *such* a hot-sounding thing, isn't it?

To have him wrap his fist in your hair and just pull you to wherever and whatever he wants…

(pauses for dreamy sigh)

The reality for me is far different, I'm afraid.

Not only is my hair completely unsuited to wrap 'n' pulling, I'm still working off the remnants of skittishness from a long-ago Very Bad Date. Much tho' I love the fantasy of head grabbing, the reality can still set off some pretty strong reactions.

But BG knows this and has been patiently working to gentle me to his hand.

And we've been doing pretty well, if I do say so myself.

Or so I thought…

But the other night was the big test -- and I'm not sure I scored much higher than a C+ … bell curved.

The introductory portion of the event unfolded splendidly.

I was bound, upended, and in the midst of a very thorough reaming.

Life was oh-so-good.

And then... my hair was grabbed and pulled.

Firmly, slowly, inexorably, nerve-wrackingly pulled.

Every slut's dream - with just a touch of nightmare overlay.

I wanted to melt.

A small piece of me actually did.

But a much bigger piece just plain froze.

I worked hard to relax into it but I could only manage that in pulses.

So I'd relax, tighten, relax, tighten, relax … (you get the idea.)

In my defense, I didn't totally freak.

Nor did he feel it necessary to let me go until we were quite done, thank you very much.

But I didn't fool anyone, either.

"Man, you really wanted your head back, didn't you?"

"Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir", I mumbled into the rumpled sofa cushions.

Danged weak flesh...

Who Says...

...they don't make attractive lingerie for larger-sized women?

I think this double-T cup is very pretty!

The Tenacity of a Bulldog

My grandma loved that expression.

And hoooboy, do I have tenacity in spades.

In fact, my dad once shook his head and said, "Nobody is ever going to make you do anything you don't want to…" 

My first thought was that he was just annoyed with me for being such a stubborn cuss. (Which, let's be honest, he probably was.) But there were also elements of pride and concern in that statement, too. Because Dad knew first hand how much of a mixed blessing that sort of intractability can be.

With it, you do have the courage of your convictions, of course.

However, there's a fine line between being tenacious and cutting off your nose to spite your face. Convictions can sometimes cause a person to overlook reality.

I know I'm stubborn.

I know I'm often idealistic.

I also know that no matter how many conversations I have with myself about what the wise person would do about the situation with BG -- hashing and rehashing the details, positing likely outcomes, strategizing the best plans of action -- I always circle back to that one fact that outweighs all the sensible courses of action:

"But I don't want to..."

I don't care what the wise person would do, apparently.

The ratio of good to sucky has not yet shifted enough for me to walk away from the best fit I've found in years -- even if it is maddeningly difficult. I still prefer to stick around and find out what happens.

Granted, I suspect I'm simply delaying the inevitable and I fully anticipate a resounding Greek chorus of, "Well, what did you expect?" when the hammer falls. 

In fact, I'll be joining in the singing. 

But I'll be doing it when I want to…  :-D

Practically Perfect, Part Two

Another "Almost Exactly Me" representation!

book, hammock, li'l dog, flowers, supine position…

If we could just blend in the coffee from that other practically perfect picture,

we'd have the Jz Image ne plus ultra.

(actually, it's more the ideal than the reality ... but a girl can dream!)
(in her hammock)

More Fresh Hell

Yet another wrinkle has developed in the life that is BG's.

While once again external and really nothing to do with the "between us" aspect of our relationship, it may yet prove to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Because even naive idiots like myself reach a point where they can no longer say, "No, that's OK, I'll wait…"

And that point feels like it's closing in.

I'm saddened by the situation that has come up, concerned for him, hurting for him, worried about our future, ticked at life, resentful that I feel like the bad guy, peeved that he can't find some way to not put us in this position, angry with myself for having more optimism than sense, and overall pretty darned fed up.

“One person couldn't feel all that, they'd explode!" said Ron.

"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione.” 

Realistically, there's nothing to do but wait and see how it pans out.

And maybe fantasize about the days when life was simpler…

Random Thoughts

1a) - What IS it about having a laptop bag over your shoulder and a computer under each arm that makes people think this is surely the ideal time to stop you for long and rambling questions that in no way pertain to your actual job?

1b) - AND- in all the literally dozens of times this has happened to me, WHY has no one ever added, "I'm sorry, I can see you've got your arms full…."????

I don't care if I don't look strained, I'm carrying three frickin' computers right now, people! (Next time, I'm going to hand over the heaviest machine and say, "Here, if you're going to stop me, you need to hold one of these for me until you're done talking.")

2) - I keep finding recipes for yummy summer dishes ... that serve 8. 

I'm single and I live alone -- that's way too many leftovers.

I want to throw a Blogger's Picnic so I have help eating all these goodies! :-D 

(Will you come?)

3) - How can my tank tops be so hermetically sealed to my body by sweat that I can barely peel them off and yet still let in half a house's worth of paint chips to adhere to my covered bosom?

4) - They recommend hanging heavily-scented soap in your garden to deter deer from eating your tomatoes. The theory is persuasive but… what happens when it rains?

5) - There are many, many things I genuinely appreciate about BG.

The fact that he has NOT done this may actually top the list…

words fail me...