The "Stick a Fork in It" Edition

So very done with 2016...

Let's focus on looking ahead, shall we?  :-)

Merry Christmas

Let's just sit here:

and listen to this:

okay?

~A Peaceful Time to All~

MoC - Christmas Eve Edition

The Mugs of Christmas

Mug Six:

The final mug for this year is just a little Christmas tree.

Simple, quiet, and charming - all the things we often forget to be during the holidays.

It’s the kind of mug I reach for on Christmas Eve, whether I’m feeling contemplative or up to my eyeballs in frantic, last-minute wrapping. Either way, it’s a soothing, calming design that helps me just… breathe.

MoC - V

The Mugs of Christmas

Mug Five:

Start the day with this guy and how can you help but meet the world with a smile on your face?

Although I certainly can (and do) drink coffee out of this mug, it’s real purpose for being is, I am convinced, to hold hot chocolate. Specifically, Ibarra Mexican hot chocolate, which is pretty much the Platonic ideal of hot chocolate - at least in my cave. 

Because this is a mug that screams, “Snow Day!!!!” to me, evoking the feel of stinging wet cheeks, the sounds of laughter and snowball fights, the smell of wet woolen mittens as you bring them to your face to taste that handful of snow. It’s stomping into the warm house with snow-clotted boots and a sniffly nose, puffing and cold and hungry, and already anxious to go back outside for more.

It’s a whole-body kind of happy that you rarely get to feel as an adult… but that I love to be reminded of.

So it’s a really good mug for a Friday, don’t you think?

MoC - IV

The Mugs of Christmas

          Mug Four:

If I’d photographed this with the handle on the right, the way the others are, all you would see is a classic, red-cheeked, right jolly old elf - a perfectly acceptable design for your Christmas mug, to be sure… but it’s the back side that makes this one so special: 

         Santa’s Diner

Wouldn’t you love to stop by there for a piece of pie?

This mug takes me back to a Christmas with the previous beau. We’d gone on a long excursion to the far end of a different state in search of the ultimate Christmas lights experience…, and ended up in a wee village, perched in an old-fashioned diner and watching a gentle snow paint the town with magic. Seriously, I expected to see George Bailey come whistling in for coffee at any minute. It was like being thrown back in time, to when life was simpler and joy more accessible.

So this mug makes me smile, even as it makes the tiniest bit wistful, too.
Happy, with an undertone of bittersweet.

Sounds about right for the holidays, doesn't it?.

MoC - III

The Mugs of Christmas

    Mug Three:

The blue is a little outside the usual Christmas color scheme but I fell in love with this guy at first sight. The set had a different design for each of the eight reindeer but I couldn’t afford (or store!) the whole bunch. I did spring for Prancer as well as this one, just to have another blue for balance, but poor Prancer rarely makes it out of the cupboard. 

Because, you know, Dancer is my spirit reindeer.

This is an excellent mug for when I need a morning pick-me-up. 

Like something to propel me into Hump Day, for example…

I like to pour the coffee and then mimic the foot positions as I sip. Between the dainty poses and the proud, erect posture, it makes me feel just like I’m performing in The Nutcracker. (Except, of course, that I’m doing so in the comfort of my big fluffy bathrobe, rather than a skimpy and undoubtedly chilly tutu.)

There is also the rather awkward fact that I have to practice the front and back footwork in turns, being severely hampered by my bipedal nature - but that just doubles the fun. 

Gets you going, gets you giggling…

What more can you ask for?

It’s a good mug.

MoC - Part II

The Mugs of Christmas

Mug Two:

The new kid on the block this year, this is a mug of subtle charms. (As befits a Tuesday, don’t you think?) The weight and curves of it are very satisfying in the hand and I love both the saying and the mix of fonts that it’s said in. This is a mug that says, “We’ve Got This!” (and then nods emphatically.)

I will confess that I am also smitten with the big, old-fashioned Christmas bulbs that adorn the top. Those are the Christmas lights of my childhood, those big bulbs. I’m so happy they are making a come back lately. For years, you couldn’t find a string of these for love or money. Everything was the twinkling mini-bulb. Which I’m quite fond of as well, mind you… any Christmas light is a good one… 

But I still retain a soft spot in my heart for a bulb that glows proudly with bold color.

Merry and Bright, indeed!

The Mugs of Christmas

OK, now that I'm back in coffee, I’m getting to use all my holiday mugs again.

I love my festive mugs… I get myself a new one every year and rotate through them. My collection is actually larger than shelf capacity by now but that’s okay. The excessive large number lets me customize each year's assortment according to what kind of holiday love I'm feeling that December, while still providing sufficient variety to accommodate my daily moods.

It’s a small thing but one of my favorite traditions of the season... and for the week leading up to Christmas, I’m going to share the fun with you.

Without further ado, Gentle Readers, I give you:

          The Mugs of Christmas

          Mug One:

This is a good choice for Mondays, when your head is still dawdling back in the weekend and you can't begin to wrap your mind around where to start... at least not before consuming the contents! It's a mug that signifies the many options before you, yet no matter which one you may contemplate, that festive holly sits front and center, bobbing cheerfully in front of your eyes with each sip and reminding you not to lose sight of the holiday.

But Today...

               I Haz Coffee

and even some Christmas spirit!

Debt, diet, and dubious relationship status be damned!

Peace on Earth, y’all.

Bah!

It is cold as a witch’s thorax, I’m cranky, in debt, having to diet during the holidays, barreling my way back to singlehood, and out of coffee.

I am, however, resplendently attired for National Ugly Christmas Sweater Day...

and I won a gift card to Dunkin’ Donuts!

All may yet be well.

The Day After

To All:

You are why I keep doing this...

You are what makes it fun.

Many Thanks.

J.

Cookies! Cookies! Cookies!

(Do I have your attention?)

Welcome to the Seventh Annual

Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza! 

(2016)

Once again, our stalwart international crew of superb goodies makers has come together to offer you some pretty amazing holiday recipes, be they for cookies, cakes, pies, candy, beverages, breakfast treat, munchies, side dishes, or what have you.

The point is, they’re all terrific.

But don’t take my word for it. Go ahead...

Scroll down to that list and visit eveyone on it - see for yourself!

Just remember, December 7th takes a full 24 hours to dawn across the globe…

       and lasts a full 24 hours, too!

So if someone hasn’t posted yet, don’t fret. Just go stretch your legs and try again later.

Enough talk, more cookies!

Jan Hagel Bars

My mom loved Jan Hagel cookies. I think they must have been a great treat of her childhood because she would get positively giddy when she had some in hand, smirking through crumb-dusted lips as she offered the plate to me.

In my youth and ignorance, however, I would just turn up my nose and say “no, thank you”… 

       because who wants nuts on their cookies, for goodness sake?!?

Of course, umpity-odd years later, I know exactly who wants nuts on their cookies:

       ME!!

If you’re with me on that (or just in need of a darned good cookie,) 

       then you should really try these Jan Hagel bars. 

1/2 C sugar

1 C butter, softened

1/4 t almond extract

1 egg, separated

2 C flour

1/2 t cinnamon

1 T water

1/2 C sliced almonds

1/4 C sugar

Heat oven to 350º

Grease a 15x10x1 inch baking pan.

In a large bowl, cream the butter and sugar, adding in almond extract and egg yolk; blend well. Lightly spoon flour into measuring cup and level off. Add flour and cinnamon; mix well.

Press the mix evenly into the greased pan.

Note: it will seem like there can’t possibly be enough dough. 

Ignore what your eyes are trying to tell you and just keep pressing. The dough will cover the pan, but only when pressed very, very thin, and that takes patience. 

And on that subject:

Tip: I find the dough sticks to my fingers but the heel of my hand presses easily and cleanly.

       just sayin’…

OK, once you’ve got it all pressed out…

In a small bowl, beat the water and egg white together and brush over the dough.

Sprinkle evenly with almonds and the 1/4 C of sugar. (I used turbinado sugar for this part.)

Bake at 350º for 17 to 22 minutes, or until light golden brown.

Immediately cut into 3 x 1 inch bars, and then DON’T TOUCH! 

Just let them cool completely in the pan. Do not be tempted to remove them while warm. 

Stick them out on the porch to hasten the progress, if you must, but do not remove them from the pan until cool. You will have a pan full of cookie chunks if you don’t trust me on this.

(Or so they tell me. I wouldn’t know from experience, of course…)

Makes 50 cookies, at about 70 calories each

*******************************************

But that’s not all! 

I’ve also got a little lagniappe for you this year.

A young family member has been whining because they have to spend this Christmas in a tropical paradise. (You can tell I’m not exactly heartfelt in my commiseration, can’t you?) 

However, having spent some time living in tropical paradises myself, I actually do sympathize with not wanting to turn on the oven for hours in what can already be an ungodly heat. 

So, for those of you whose holidays are a little on the warm side 

Not my photo but I promise,
I've made this and it's yummy!

    (or who just want to be a little healthier)…

Gingerbread Smoothie  

       (cool, tasty, vegan & gluten-free, too!)

1 large banana, peeled, chunked, and frozen

small piece of fresh ginger 

                   (about the size of a small grape), peeled

1 T blackstrap molasses

3  medjool dates

1/4 t cinnamon
dash of nutmeg

1 1/2 cups cold unsweetened almond milk 

Pop everything into your blender and mix at high speed until smooth. (add more almond milk to thin, if needed)

(These recipes always call for medjool dates - and it’s true that those really are your best bet - but if you can’t find them, or don’t want to pay $7 for a container when you only need 3 dates, you can use regular dates. Just put them in a little bowl and cover them with boiling water and soften for a good 10 minutes. Drain the water off and you’re good to go.)

Makes one large smoothie.

(Or two small but really, what’s the point of a small smoothie?)

OK, now go visit the rest of the Bakers Extraordinaire!

abby

Bleue 

Cat 

collared mom

DelFonte

Ella

greengirl

His slut

Jz

Katie

Kelly

Lilli

Lindy

Mrs. Fever

nilla

olivia

ronnie

Ryan

Sassy

Let's Not Do That Again Soon

It wasn’t a particularly comfortable week here at casa de Jz…

Woes ran the gamut:

       stomach flu, agitated doctors, crashing networks, and a “talk” with my dom.

Well, not so much a talk. More like I yelled at him.

       Without actually yelling, of course.

              Because…, me.

In the general run of things, I have very little trouble telling people what I think or feel - but by nature, I am not confrontational. Blunt, occasionally tactless, and frequently oblivious, yes… but not confrontational. Disagreement is fine, but drama is not my thing.

But there was no way I could say what I needed to say without it being pretty clear that I considered him to have screwed up - which tends to make a person defensive, which makes me need to defend my viewpoint, and before you know it, you have a confrontation… and those often get ugly quick. 

Add onto that the fact that this was my dominant I was about to scold… 

Well, if you think that came easily, you’re living in a very different world than I inhabit. 

But things needed to be said.

So naturally, I fretted about “the talk” for three days ahead of time. (Which, btw, did not help produce a blood pressure reading to soothe my doctor’s soul.) Mentally rehearsing my words, anticipating his possible reactions, repeatedly exhorting myself to calmness…

There was no sleep in Jzville, I can tell ya.

As it turns out, however, the yucky conversation went well. We each said our piece, with no escalation, no drama (ok, maybe I did flail my arms and huff audibly at one point, but that passed quickly) and we both affirmed that we wanted to work on this, rather than end us.

I disliked every moment of it (except the hugging part at the end) but in a lot of ways, it was a good thing. Because this was actually the first time I've had to force a conversation like that - and that the process was unknown made it a scary thing. Not that it will ever be easy but at least now, we’ve got one successful head-butting under our belts and I can have a little more confidence the next time one rolls around.

Plus, ridiculous as this may sound, it was the first time we’ve actually verbalized commitment to our relationship. Mostly, we’ve just gone along happily without actually touching on the “C” word. And when you’ve never tested the strength of your relationship (and your partner is renowned as a Man of Few Words,) you cannot help but wonder (or at least, *I* cannot help but wonder) if he stays simply because it’s easy. You like to think that isn’t the case, but it’s uncharted territory, and what if you’re really just kidding yourself?

(Self-doubt, thy name is Jz)

So I was pretty happy that we survived it…

Conquered some of it, even.

Now if we can just resolve the original issue, the world will be a beautiful place!

Meanwhile, I think we should celebrate with cookies!

Dissecting a Turkey

Well, it’s Thanksgiving here in the U.S.A.

       *yum*

Just out of curiosity… am I the only person in the country who will cook a small turkey for themselves if they’re going somewhere else for the big meal?

Maybe I should qualify that…

If I know there will be sufficient turkey enough that I can bring leftovers home, I do not cook my own. But if the table is seating more than 6 people, I refuse to take the chance of being left leftoverless.

I’m not so particular about any of the rest of the meal - if I get sides to take home, that’s great, if I don’t, I can always make a little something. If there’s no extra pie, I might sniffle a little but secretly, my jeans are thankful.

But do not deny me my bird, dammit!

Because that Thanksgiving turkey is not just the main course of a meal, is it? It’s also a warm house, full of tantalizing smells that evoke happy times; tasty sandwiches to reward you for braving the malls and poring over mail order catalogs; a lazy Sunday afternoon spent relaxing while the remaining leftovers simmer down into a tasty soup to put away and enjoy on some blustery January day. There's a lot goin' on in that one bird!

Really, Thanksgiving may seem like nothing more than one big day of gluttony (and let’s be honest, it is that) ... but it’s not just that. 

Thanksgiving is also mindfulness and memories; traditions, family, friends, and love.

And who wants to miss out on any of those?

So, Happy Thanksgiving, if you celebrate it.

And all the blessings of the day to you, even if you don't.

Update, Reasons, and Thanks

I got laughing at myself, posting for Love Our Lurkers time, because in truth, I have felt like my own biggest lurker lately. Like many in this corner of Blogland, my well has run low.

Reasons abound, of course.

The biggest is just that I’m plain busy.

At work, those changes I said I hated have resulted in long days that leave me drained, physically and mentally. Plus, I’m also working more hours at my second job. House repairs put serious dents in a girl’s pocketbook and I’m doing what I reasonably can to offset at least a little of that pain. But that means more hours hunched over a desk, squinting at multiple computer screens (oh, for the days when I only had to look at one!) … which kind of dulls the excitement of going home and hunching over a different computer screen as a way to relax. (Altho’ at least there is only one there…)

Then there’s the house itself. 

Besides the usual seasonal tasks of raking, garden clean-up, and gutter clearing, I’m facing some major house repairs and renovations. Most of which involve stuff I can’t do. (“Step away from the electrical, Jz…”) But there is a goodly chunk that I can tackle, so I’ve been chipping away at those parts in my downtime. 

Which, by the way, would go a lot more quickly if my father hadn’t been an “outside the box” thinker when it came to construction. (It’s solid, by God, but to pull it apart…?  BG took a look at some of it and went, “WTF???”  … Yes - Exactly.) Plus, in addition to the interesting construction, I’m also battling the defiance of 60 years worth of rust. My house went from smelling like burnt tar and epoxy to the pungent fumes of assorted penetrating oils. (None of which have been significantly helpful yet.)

It’s just not a quick process. (And I do not own a Sawzall.)

There are also relationship reasons for my silence. 

We’re doing fine. (Altho’ I’m questioning how much longer we will go before the next major intersection is reached.) He’s still molding and crafting… but, well, I just seem to be having fewer and fewer eureka moments that I want to share with the world. (Partially because the ones I do have seem to be additional turns of the same old cogs. This counts as progress of course, but it still ends up sounding like I’m talking circles around the same stinkin’ thing. And that gets tedious for both reader and writer.)

There’s still a whole lot of joy in what we do, and a lot of laughter and caring… just not as many stories at the moment. (Altho I do have an idea for one, if I can finesse it into the form I want!)

Finally, there’s BlogLand itself. 

It’s plain ol’ quieter in my little corner these days - and while I completely understand why that is, a lot of the desire to talk out loud here stems from the interaction it gives me with people. Many a good post has started with a thought that bounces off something that someone else has said, so when fewer people are writing and comments are down (that’s not guilt, just a fact,) there are simply fewer reflective surfaces for the bouncing ball that is my brain. Of course, I can still lob the odd thought out there by myself, but it's just not as much fun to do that when no one returns your serve.

None of which is anyone’s fault - but it is a factor.

Which is a big reason why I am so appreciative of all the LOL Day comments, from lurkers and known quantities alike. Your responses gave me a much-needed boost of blogging energy and I thank you all for that.

In fact, I’m feeling so good about it, I’m gonna bake you all some cookies! :-D

Stay tuned…

Did Someone Say Cookies?

On Wednesday, December 7th 2016,

the seventh celebration of the increasingly inaccurately named

Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza 

Returns!

And I hope that you (yes, you!) will join us.

The rules are pretty simple:

          1- Post a recipe on that day for a holiday goodie. 

That’s it - rules finished.  

       *dusts off hands*

The goodie doesn't have to be a cookie… or even be sweet.

That, in fact, is where the increasing inaccuracy comes in - because we have all KINDS of goodies on offer! (There are many forms of holiday goodie love, after all.)

The one catch is that if you want to get your name on the official list of participants: 

You must contact me (Jz) by Monday, Dec. 5th, with both your name and the address of your blog. (I don’t mind if you do this through the comments section below, but if you do, please make sure that you include an email address at which I can reach you. << why I prefer an email - two birds with one cyber-stone.)

I'll also be happy to post a recipe for anyone who'd rather participate that way.

I hope to hear from you (yes, you!) soon!

Oh, Lovely Lurkers!

This is it - the day you’ve been waiting for!

(Likely with dread, if you’re a lurker to the core.)

Because it’s Love Our Lurkers Day once again - that special time of year when I tell you how much I appreciate you, each and every one of you, my silent readers - and then beg you to please, just this once, change how you roll and leave a comment.

I know you’re out there - I see your visits in my statistics.

I love that you stop by, that you read, that you care.

But I know nothing about you - which is kind of unfair, don’t you think?

You know oodles about me, from my tenuous relationship with lingerie all the way to my unlikely obssession with sumo… Yet the only tidbits I can glean about you come from statistical analysis. 

Which is a start, I suppose, but fairly impersonal.

And for all my touch-avoidant disposition, I like hearing about people, not statistics. 

So I wonder about you, my lurkers.

What you’re like, where you come from, why you read here…

      What’s your favorite kind of post to read?

      Is it the occasional kink or the occasional humor that draws you more? 

But even more, I want to know about YOU.

      Do you like to cook? Bake? 

            Share your recipes?

      Are you good with home repair? 

            (Can you give me some pointers?)

      Got any book recommendations for me?

      Podcasts?

      Do you have a dog? 

            Is it goofy? Yippy? 

            Can I pet it?

      What do you collect?

            Paperweights? Mugs? Lovers?

      Where would YOU travel to if you could go anywhere in the world?

      Do you already live somewhere *I’d* like to visit?

      Would you like to meet for coffee?

            (Do you even drink coffee?)

Best beloved lurkers, the questions just tumble from my lips!

      Enquiring Minds Want To Know!

Surely you could take pity on me and answer one tiny little question?

      Maybe two?

(Or at least say hello?)

      (Limericks, round two, anyone?)

(Oh, and by the way, yes - I love and appreciate all you chatty-type readers with all my heart as well.

Just sayin'...)

P.S. - thanks to Hermione for organizing the day! (and the list of other participants)

LOL is coming!

It's almost time for us to Love Our Lurkers again!

This Friday and Saturday will be that special time, when we tell you how much we appreciate you, the hidden reader... and then ask you to decloak and leave a comment.

So start preparing your courage now!

(please?)

(at least think about it?)

maybe...?

The Basement Full of Men

So… I currently have a basement full of men.

I know that to those of us in this particular corner of Blogland, those words conjure up visions of dungeons… dark places full of intriguing devices that fill us with apprehension… and shivery anticipation. So you may well assume I’m setting you up to read a marvelously torrid tale.

But, no - it isn’t nearly exciting as it might sound.

Because I may have a basement full of men…, but I also have wet floors, no useable toilets, and a house that smells like burnt tar, epoxy, and welding. 

Not to mention a couple of thousand dollars less in my already-straitened slush fund.

Now, I’ve tried to squint hard and make a torrid tale of it…

     (lemonade from lemons, if you will)

My basement is indeed dark and gloomy, so that part works. 

Perhaps a bit too homey to really fit the dungeon bill, but still…

     Dark and gloomy… check.

And one of the men is certainly eye-poppingly attractive - I’m pretty sure I can manage to imagine him all in black, wielding an intriguing device… (Yep, that works.)

     Devastatingly attractive lead man… check.

The rest of the men, however, fall short as fantasy fodder. They just don't have enough of the right look or vibe to feature in A Tale. 

Especially the guy who scuffs his work boots as he waddles, wheezes loudly, and curses mindlessly - also loudly. The only thing my imagination can come up with for him is to cast him as a troll that guards the door. (Which sort of tips the tale into paranormal territory, but that’s an argument for another day.)

Plumber as sexy Dom, however, is where any salacious inspiration ends. 

It’s simply too dirty and dusty and noisy and smelly down there for me to transform my basement into the sort of erotic alternate universe that can host a torrid tale.

Even the intriguing devices don’t hold up under close scrutiny. There’s nothing more exciting in those toolbags than arc welders, plasma cutters, and a sledgehammer — NONE of which are tools I consider to be, in any way, shape, or form, “pervertibles.” 

(I’m just not that edgy.)

All in all, this experience has been nothing more than a defeat of my imagination.

A Basement Full of Men…

Who would have thought that could be such a let down?

Happy Halloween!

Here's hoping we all land in the top portion of the pyramid!

(seriously... ramen???)

Enjoy The Fun!

In Which I Continue To Pay For My Mistakes

He says that each time, he raises the bar to a certain standard and makes it our goal.

        “So, are you expecting infinite growth?”

“Not infinite, no. At some point, zero growth exists. 

     But slight improvements are always possible. 

Speaking of which, we haven’t used the magnetic balls in a while... 

     Set those out tonight.”

(have I used my numb tongue to mumble, "thank you" lately, gg?)

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Every year, I stall on raking my leaves…

Not just because I’m congenitally lazy (altho’ truthfully, what sane person ever itches to single-handedly rake up two tree-covered acres’ worth of leaves?) but also, simply from aesthetics. 

When those leaves first come down, they are still glorious. They may be on the ground, not the tree, but they retain their warm yellow color — and the grass, rejuvenated by the autumn rains, provides a vibrant, emerald green backdrop for the glowing gold. 

For a few days, there is splendor in the grass. ;-D

It can’t last, of course. Eventually, the glowing glory morphs into dull, dried husks and the visual appeal is completely lost. And naturally, by then it's chilly and windy and the leaves have molded and my sinuses are cussing me out for waiting.

So you’d think I would learn, wouldn’t you?

But no.

Just. Too. Pretty.

(wouldn't you agree?)

On Being Pleasing

Pygar wondered the other day:

If you are a submissive, do you like to please? Is that not what you are for?

Do you go out of your way to please? Do you constantly think of ways to please your dominant? Are you imaginative in seeking out new ways to give pleasure?

Or are you just there, available, for your  dominant to take their pleasure whenever, however, they want?

I found myself flip-flopping all over the place as I considered this. 

I don’t subscribe to the passive “serene lily” philosophy of submission.

Rather, I prefer mine to be active. No sitting around waiting to be needed here!

And yet…, well…, 

I have a life (as does he) and frankly, I don’t have the time to sit around thinking of new ways to please BG. I wish I did… it’s a lovely way to pass the day. (Plus, if I had that kind of time, I’d be able to blog more, too.) But it’s not realistic, nor does it reflect how I feel about submission. Quite honestly, my first reaction to, “Is that not what you are for?” is actually, “No. That is not what I am for ” - altho’ “pleasing” is certainly one of the primary things I want to be for him. But a constant, unadulterated absorption with my submission isn’t anything that either he or I want. (In fact, we both get pretty testy when it happens.) 

Which is not to say that he doesn’t want my submission accessible at all times - one of his favorite games is to flip the dom switch when I’m least expecting it (generally in public) and watch me slam into sub mode. (That brings a very particular grin to his face.) But the reality is that we structure our D/s more loosely than many. It's our foundation but not the entire frame - and as such, is simply not uppermost in my mind at all times.

Even more than our D/s style, tho', is the fact (as I noted in my comment to the post,) that when I try to imaginatively seek out new ways to pleasure BG, I tend to guess wrong. Like that whole snot and saliva question, what he likes is often something that I would never have thought of (and which, when I do think of, makes me go, “Oh, surely not…!?!”)

Turns out, I am simply not the best judge of my own pleasingness.

So I walk a line.

I want to please, I certainly make my best effort to please… 

      but I don’t go out of my way for it.

     (Which actually turns out to be what he wants, so I’m still being pleasing, go figure. ;-p)

I am open to finding new ways to please him… 

      but my brain does not churn over the question day and night.

I do my best to learn what pleases him… 

      but I’ve given up on trusting my own imagination.

Basically, I follow his lead.

Which feels passive in description, but is active in reality...

This is really a bugger of a question!