You Know That Thing?

The one where you're crumpled bonelessly in a spent, unmoving heap…

          and all they do is chortle?

Like they didn't have a thing to do with your current condition...

          and you are simply too amusing for words?

      Yeah.

      That thing.

I hate that thing.

Well ok, so maybe the boneless and spent part isn't that bad…

But that chortle has to go.

      I mean, really.

      How annoying.

      Just… stop.

And I'm going to tell him that…

      …just as soon as I can move again.

Places I Would Rather Be Right Now

If anyone wants to go with me, just note your choice in the comments. 

If we get enough of us lined up, maybe we can get a group rate!

A- Any porch with a double-wide lounger
is okay in my books!
(Hammock a bonus.)

B- So cute and appealing, I can
almost convince myself there are no bugs!

C- I might claim dibs on the swing, tho'...

D- I *always* wanted to live in a treehouse!

E- I happen to know they serve a great tea here!

F- Definitely dibs on the hammock...
(tho' I can probably be bribed with ice cream)

Free Flow

SP asked me the other night if I ever did vanilla sex anymore. 

Well…, no. BG and I don't really do vanilla -- altho' every once in a while we'll skirt the edges. I suspect everyone has those times when there are no ropes, no toys, no pain, and no protocol… but even so, there has never not been control and submission. He is always in charge and I am always able to turn off my brain and simply follow the flow.

It occurred to me during that conversation that being allowed to just flow during sex is actually one of the biggest satisfactions I get from a BDSM relationship… because being submissive removes performance anxiety for me.

Now, that may seem counter-intuitive -- SP quizzed me about it at first, but let me explain…

I know there are still "performances" to be given in submission, but the difference is in where the expectations lie. My experience has been that vanilla sex is all wrapped up in preconceived ideas of structure and framework; what things you do, what things you don't. Even the experimentation feels rote -- press button A for reaction 1, button B for reaction 2…

This makes it feel mechanical to me, not organic at all. 

Even worse, I feel faulted for how I react to something that doesn't feel natural. (Don't give me this, "Relax and go with it" bullshit… I am going with it, IT'S just not taking me where you think it "should"!) 

With D/s, however, there is an inescapable current that carries you along in a scene - you ebb and flow, maybe even bobble over to the shoals for a bit, but you don't lose your place. There's no stress, no anxiety, you simply have to be in the moment. 

Sure, I am required to behave within certain parameters, but those behaviors are things that I can control. They are expectations of what I will do, not how I will react. If I need to struggle, that's okay. 

My reactions themselves are allowed to just… flow. 

And that acceptance makes all the difference in the world.

(To my world, at least.)

And After A Week Like That...

The Week in Review

I've had a rough time in here in SlutWorld this past week.

He raised two back-to-back questions that really caused me a great deal of inner turmoil.

In fact, I was pretty nearly bludgeoned to death by my own insecurities. 

To the point that I've actually started wondering if I shouldn't just give up… throw in the towel and let him find someone who won't disappoint.

That's one of the downsides to being a submissive, I think.

Even if your head understands that it's okay to have difficulty rising to a challenge, you feel like a complete failure when it happens.

Which means I catastrophize it.

Which tries his patience.

Which adds to the feeling of failure…

Can I just say, "Ugh"...?

(and maybe get an "amen"?)

Oh, Look!

She's wearing her glasses, too!

            (should I warn her, do you think?)

I Got Shy

Once upon a time, Beach Walker looked at me and said, “You’re actually really shy, aren’t you?” (At which point, I looked toward my kneecaps and mumbled, while nodding my head.)

“I just realized that that’s why you never meet my eyes for long. It took a while to figure it out, because I would never have guessed it from the rest of your actions… but You're SHY!”

(At which point, I’m pretty sure I met his eyes long enough to give him the Scowl of Death… before returning to a studied contemplation of my kneecaps.)

Having had this “tell” pointed out to me, however, I began to address the issue. I have tried hard to be conscious of when I’m averting my eyes and to force myself to look people in the eyes when in conversation. Of course, having waited so long to try to master such an uncomfortable skill, I don’t really have the process finessed yet. I’m pretty sure that most of the time, my quest to *hold* a person’s gaze ends up making them feel a bit like they’re on the receiving end of a vulture’s stare.

But still, I’ve made headway.

Or so I thought.

The other night, however, I got blindsided.

See, most of the times when we indulge in amorous recreation, he’s either he’s so far above me that the details of his face are blurry to my (usually) non-spectacled eyes, or he is safely behind me, where I can both pretend he can’t see me, AND avoid his eyes at the same time.
(Win/Win!)

Not so the other night., however.

Nope, that night, he was right in front of me and pressed in close. 

Like, really close. 

Like, my entire field of vision was filled with his face.

And suddenly… I couldn’t do it.

It was simply too much -- I could not meet his eyes… 

There I am, smack in the midst of a glorious reaming by a man who’s been plumbing those depths for over six years…, and I get shy? 

Should that even be possible?!?!???

Guess I’ve got a little more work to do, huh?

That Test

So, I took that test. (You know, the one everyone else took last month?) 

I usually pass on these things because, well, they can be a bit dispiriting. But this one takes a slightly different approach... and my inner Cosmopolitan reader got the best of me.

See, this test doesn't try to carve you into categories. You're not 10% this and 40% that and 30% the other… until it all adds up to a 100% that is You. 

Rather, it claims to measure how closely you fit the definition of 24 different archetypes -- more of an analysis of strengths and weaknesses, like the SATs or GREs.

Mind you, I can still quibble with the results (hell, I can quibble with anything) but this approach is far less irritating than oracular proclamations based on 20 impersonal questions.

So I figured I'd give it a go.

Of course, there is always the liklihood of disenchantment.

Beyond the fun and the giggles, I think we are lured into this silliness in part because we are secretly hoping for some sort of affirmation, a validation of what we'd like to believe we are. (In this case, one seriously hot, kinky fuck.)

And, as often happens with these tests, my hopes were dashed.

At least partially so.

I scored as fairly weak (well below 50-percentile) on most of the truly kinky stuff. (*boo*) 

However, I am apparently: a very good fit for the Bondage Receiver archetype; an extremely good fit for the Submissive archetype; aaand... 

          I will soon be crowned Queen of the Experimentalists.  :-D 

(OK, I may have made that up, but experimentalists are known for having plenty of fantasies, so cut me some slack, alright?)

Experimentalists want to have tried it all. An open mind and an insatiable curiosity are their key features, and they will rarely form an opinion before they have gathered first hand experience. 

And, you know what? In my world, that's actually about as hot as it gets. 

(YMMV, of course.)

"Queen Weenie Girl"… I like the sound of that! 

um... ok

So, the other night, he had me keep my glasses on…

          specifically so that he could come all over the lenses.

Doms are amused by the oddest things…

Neat-nik The Third

This time I take a whack at greengirl's questions.

After, of course, showing you this fine award:

Aaaand…. we're off!

1 - If you were going to create a blog award, what would it be called or be about?

You know, I was going to take the high road and demur on this… 

     "oh, no. I wouldn't do that, no, no."

But then I thought, "Oh, screw it. You DO have one in mind that you'd give, it's just obnoxious to say it out loud."

But when has that stopped me before??

So here you go:

The ARB Gold Star Award for Rising to the Challenge of Being Interesting Through the Use of Grammatically Correct Sentences. 

(yes, I undoubtedly AM going to hell…)

2 - How would you describe your style of decorating?

In some ways, it's hard to answer this, because there are styles I like -- that I can't ever do because my house flatly refuses them. I think decorating is a kind of organic process. You can't really impose a style on any given room or dwelling, you have to work with what it gives you, as well. Compromise is often necessary. (Which is how i ended up with a room in gold - a color I normally loathe on walls, yet which pulled a serenity out of this particular area that I would have sworn it was never going to give me.)

So, style is not the determining factor for me in decorating. Rather, I tend to use "touches"… whimsy in one room, warmth over here, breezy over there, … and color in all. (Even my light colors tend to be very saturated tones.)

My furniture is mostly hand-me-down, but comes from the days when furniture was made from solid wood. (Or cast iron, if we're talking beds.) What I love about it, besides the fact that it's real, is that I don't see it in every house I go into, either. This matters to me, probably more than it should.

So, there's no over-arching theme or look to my decorating, but I am frequently told that I have a really comfortable house. Which is a much more gratifying compliment than any "as featured in House Beautiful" billing ever could be.

3 - If you could have your dream job/occupation, what would it be?

In my absolute perfect ideal world, I would get paid to go to school (avoiding any and all math and economics classes.)

A close second would be something I actually got to do for a while (which is going to sound hugely dorky) designing reports that compile information from a database. 

Because it's the next best thing to doing logic problems all day.  :-)

4 - Are there any people in your (vanilla) life who you think might actually be kinky, or who you look at and think "no way, but, yet, maybe..."

Oh, I'm sure there are, but I tend not to look at people in that speculative way most of the time. (This has far more to do with my vaunted obliviousness than any attempt at nobility, however.) Altho' I will confess to harboring secret suspicions about the eye candy next door. But that may be nothing more than wishful thinking -- he's got the voice to be a Dom, so I may simply be projecting... (or fantasizing…*ahem*)

5 -  Where would you put yourself (the sum total of your relationship) on a spectrum from incredibly stern and rigid to teasing and lighthearted?

Do you think anyone would even believe me if I tried to say incredibly stern and rigid?

Nope, as you might expect, teasing and lighthearted is the name of the game around here. There are certainly moments when he can be stern - which are marvelous at helping me focus on what he wants from me - but overall, we're more of the, "we're here to enjoy ourselves" crowd.

6 - If you had a fairly close friend with whom you really could discuss these types of things, do you think you would still blog?

Absolutely. As you can deduce from my response to nilla's question about blogging, talking about TTWD is actually not at the top of my list of reasons why I blog. It may have been the thing that kick-started me into action but it's not the primary reason I write. (And I am actually out to two friends besides SP, plus I suspect that a couple of others could dot the i's and cross the t's if they had a mind to.)

7 - If you had more time (in your day, in your week, in your life) what would you do differently?

I'm afraid I wouldn't DO anything differently. I got the sloth gene in my family. Everyone else is prone to running around like a chicken with its head cut off, being all productive and stuff but, unless guilted into assisting, I tend to just sit there and watch them. (Usually over the pages of my book.)

So, more time would probably just result in more reading...

IF, however, this were a perfect world…

I would exercise more and get a LOT more cleaning done around the house.

Perhaps not quite to the level of channeling my grandma, but close...

****************************

And finally, my last 3 questions for those of you who might feel like taking indulging my curiosity:

      1- What is your least favorite thing about TTWD? 

             (c'mon, you know you have one.)

     2- lil hated this question but I like it, so I’m asking it again…

If you could be friends with one famous person (past or present) who would it be?

(And if you can’t think of anyone to be friends with, who would you invite to dinner?)

3- You're a bartender - what name do you give to your "signature" drink?

Thank you to everyone who nominated me, reads me, and answers any of these questions!

Neat-nik, Take Two

Today, I turn to nilla's Real Neat questions.

Warning: I got pretty long-winded on these responses.

You might wanna run and grab some No-Doz before you start reading!

OK, award picture…

          and here we go!

1. How did you get into reading, then writing, erotica?

There was no one thing that started it, really. It was more of a natural evolution. 

My mom taught me to read at a very young age (and I do mean VERY - but she wasn't pushing me, it was something I clamored for) and from then on, I just did the sponge thing with anything written. I can't even remember the first erotica I read, altho' I'm quite sure it was something my parents thought they had hidden far better than they had…

I've also always loved writing. I fed the trash bins of many a school chum for many, many years with letters, silly poems, and "newsletters" (complete with laughably bad illustrations.)

Then I entered into a long-distance relationship with SP and, as you might guess, my literary offerings began to include erotic stories. He, bless him, was/is a very appreciative audience. (Who, in fact, still badgers me to take a stab at getting published.) 

I don't write much erotica, however. I think I do better when I write to my strengths and something about erotica brings out a self-consciousness in my writing that *I* find off-putting, so I can only imagine how someone outside of my head must feel. 

SP would say I should just keep practicing… but I honestly don't care enough to bother. 

(Wow, I went on for far too long on that one, didn't I?

sorry… moving on now…)

2. What do you get out of blogging?

Blogging has multiple levels of benefit for me.

Primarily, it gives me a place to write. I sit down and just ramble my way through whatever thoughts might be in my head at the time the muse strikes… This approach messes with a consistent subject matter but I'm not too keen on climbing into little boxes, anyhow. :-) 

Blogging also gives me a way to connect with the world. I live and work in little one-horse towns (lovely tho' they may be,) and I interact with a lot of truly good, salt of the earth people… with whom I have almost nothing in common. BookMan once observed, "You must have an awful time finding people you can actually talk to…" and it's true. Not that I can't carry on an everyday chat with the good people around me. But we don't sit down and really dig in, the way I like to. So, I come here to do that and, hopefully, start some interesting conversations as a result.

And lastly, by blogging here as I do, I like to pretend that I am doing my bit toward making at least one person out there feel more comfortable with the idea of being submissive. 

When I started investigating the world of TTWD, I couldn't find anyone who approached submission in a way that felt comfortable to me -- and if I weren't so mule-headed, that could very easily have made me feel inadequate and invalid. It's an oddly competitive world out there, in subbie-land. I'm not even sure if folks realize how dismissive they can be toward those of us who prefer to individualize our style of submission. 

So, I hoped that if I threw my hat into the blogging ring, perhaps someone else whose leanings ran outside the tropes might read my words and take heart from knowing they are not alone.

(Good lord, there's just no shutting me up today, is there?)

3. What are your favorite things to do/to be done to you by your partner?

I love doing anything that makes him moan appreciatively. Usually, that means a blow job but anything that has that effect, I'm totally on board with.

And altho' I love all the kinky stuff he does to me, I think my favorite thing is when he kisses me. He's a fantastic kisser, the first one I've been with in many a long year, so I have a lot of mediocre kisses to make up for! 

4. If you had the choice to live 24/7 D/s dynamic …would you? Do you feel it’s a realistic way to live in this day and age?

I think it can be done -- but not in the fairytale way a lot of people dream about. Real life trumps fantasies, no matter how much you want to pretend it won't.

As for me living that way, that's pretty much a "hell to the no".

Fortunately, BG clearly and specifically does not want that -- which is good, because it would undoubtedly strain my patience past the snapping point, anyhow. Not only because it is a very hard thing to manage but even more because 24/7 is simply not the right fit for me. 

5. What scares you about D/s?

This is a tricky one. There is nothing about D/s in my current relationship that scares me. I may be jittery or apprehensive about some of the actions we will/may undertake, but I have absolutely no real fears about anything I might do with this man. (At least not within the BDSM context… the possibility of "lurv" is an entirely different kettle of fish.) If I were of a different psychological makeup, I could see myself being very scared of getting sucked down the rabbit hole. But as things stand right now, that's not a worry.

On the other hand, if I were not with this particular dom…? I would like to think I could find someone else that I fit with and trust in the same way, but that's never a given, is it? And if I weren't, well, I'm not sure. I was going to say there are a lot of things I read about that I do find genuinely scary… but on the other hand, what are the odds I'd ever actually face doing them? Since I will probably never participate in a full-blown TPE anyhow, I'm far more likely just to say, "No, thank you!" and toddle on home, where a good book always awaits me…

6. Multiple partners and experiences in a scene–is this a fantasy or something too scary to contemplate–and why?

Ugh. Nasty question, this. (Well, the "multiple partners" bit, anyhow. Not quite sure what you mean by "experiences in a scene "- so I'll just address myself to the partners part.)

In fantasy-land, me with two men scores pretty high on the heat scale. 

Me and another woman and a guy? Not so much. Like, at all. Actually, negative. 

Nor is the thought of me with more than 2 others appealing, either. 

(More Ways In Which I Am Boring, by Jz)

In real life?

I truly don't think I could manage it, not even the hot MMF. (Unless the two guys were BG and SP - but that's about as likely as a blizzard in Hades, so it doesn't count as real life.) 
A large part of the reason why not is that I can't just fuck someone. I have hangups about casual sex, what can I say? (see "Boring", above.)
Plus, quite honestly, I don't think BG is interested in MMF.

What he IS interested in is MFF - which is another face of Mount Everest for me. I've got a shitty sense of self-confidence. (In the "I am attractive as a sexual being" department, at least. In other aspects, my arrogance comes close to knowing no bounds -- but those areas don't come into play in play…) So I would spend the entire scene assuming it was actually a test drive for her as my potential replacement, and I would curl further and further into myself until I ended up in a fetal position in the corner. 

No, I am not meant for the multiple life.

7. If you could fuck anyone, who would it be? (bonus—would you be the Top or the bottom of the scene?)

Silly woman! You know the answer to this is Sean Connery!

Who I don't think would let me top even if I wanted to, which I don't. 

Ever.

The relationship before BG ended because I was tired of fighting over who got to bottom. (Not that we ever phrased it that way but in retrospect, that was most of my dissatisfaction with him. I do not find topping at all hot, yet I always won that unrecognized battle, because he totally sucked at taking charge.)

****************************

Again, my nominees are: anyone reading this post who might decide they want to take a stab at answering these questions. Just remember to let me know, so I can come read them!

1. Do you read blogs:

to learn?

for the stories?

to get to know other people?

2. If you could be given one super-hero power (like X-ray vision, or the ability to become invisible) what would you choose and why?

3. You’ve won an all-expenses paid trip to a kink event.

Do you go?

If yes, where do you hang out?

Πάσχα

Neat-nik the First

I have been multi-nominated for having A Really Neat Blog.

Even though all three nominators know I don't usually do this stuff…

*clears throat and looks *significantly* over her glasses* 

Ah, well. To reward them for their boundless optimism (and faith in me) I *am* going to play along! (At least mostly.  :-D) 

So, here's the picture of the award:

And here are my answers to sofia's 7 questions:

       (sorry, 'nilla, she got the questions up first!)

****************************

1.  What’s the funniest thing that’s happened to you involving TTWD?

Probably the look on his face the time he unknowingly hooked my nuva-ring with the vibrator and it was pulled out, dangling merrily from the tip of the buzzing, cherry-red toy. The moment of utter astonishment passed quickly but the stunned expression is seared into my brain forever! ;-p

2.  Who is your role model or hero?  (In the lifestyle or not.)

Well, my mom… 

but I keep saying that, so let me try to come up with something different here… … …

Nope.

I march to such a decidedly different drummer than most that, while I admire many out there, there's no one I feel comfortable calling "role model".

So, back to Mom!

3.  What’s your favorite kink activity?

I would have to say, being flogged. It can hurt like a sonofagun, of course, but it has the highest ratio of erotic pain to "ohpleasegodjustletthisbeoversoonOWWWCH" of any of our kinky activities. And I do like me some erotic… :-)

4.  If you were granted one personal wish, what would it be?

Thicker hair...

Or maybe smaller boobs...

Or, ooh!, enough money that I could go on a vacation...

Mmmm... probably the hair.

5.  What is your greatest strength – the quality you value most about yourself?

You wretch! You KNOW how profoundly uncomfortable this kind of question makes me, and yet, here it is anyhow. A pox on your house!

OK, tho'… First off, I'm going to be cantankerous - I don't think I believe that a person's greatest strength has to be the quality they most value. And I flatly refuse to detail "My Greatest Strength, as told to The World… by Jz"

But…

To play fair and hold up my end of this here bargain, I will answer the latter part and say… that the quality I value most about myself… would probably be… (God, this is excruciating!)

Ah! Got something! (*phew!*)

I think I have a gift for seeing the big picture.

Which is an astonishing claim from a woman who goes around so oblivious to the world that she has literally walked into walls. On multiple occasions. But it's true, none the less.  

6.  If you could give one thing to your Dom/Master (or to your slave, if you’re the Dom) what would it be?

I would give him contentment if I could.

7.  What’s the most important thing to you about TTWD?

Just having a place for that part of me.

It wasn't so much a part that didn't fit, that I couldn't count it as a part of my whole, but it always felt a little itchy, like it wanted a place to sit down but there weren't any chairs...

****************************

So, questions answered.

However, if you've read here a while, you know I really, really dislike nominating other people for these awards. This is undoubtedly just a vestigial sensitivity from my childhood trauma of being the very last person picked for any team being assembled, but I really have a hard time with the whole nomination process.

Instead, I'm going to offer up some questions at large - if you are reading this post, consider me to be asking those questions of YOU. If you feel like answering them, using them as a writing prompt, or are in any other way moved to response, I just ask that you let me know (comment or email) so that I can come and read your answers! 

However, I refuse to come up with thrice-seven questions! That is simply too much.

I did manage nine, however, which will be evenly distributed across the three posts.

So, here is your first trio:

1. What is the thing in your life that you are most proud of doing?

2. If you could custom design a BDSM toy, what would it be / what would it do?

3. The fire alarms go off in your house.

What do you grab as you dash out of the building?

(and don’t worry, it turns out to be a false alarm.)

(Let me know who's brave enough to accept!) 

Thank you, sofia. For the award and the chance to have a little think.  :-)

Yy

Big in Finland

Looking at my stats, I noticed I'd gotten an unusually high number of hits from Finland the other day. The funny thing was, that day was precisely a hundred and twenty years from the day that my grandma was born -- in Finland. But I'd forgotten it was her birthday until I saw the stats and had my head jogged.

I don't know how you guys knew…  ;-p

But I'm sure my grandma would be very happy that you helped me remember. 

         "Kiitos!"

(And she'd be sure to offer you cake!)

(Answers to some Real Neat questions coming soon!)