Last Call for Cookies!

Just a reminder that this Thursday, Dec. 5th, is the Fourth Annual Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza -- and Tuesday is the deadline for getting your name on the participant list.

If you want to play along and haven't already signed up, please email me with your name and the URL of your blog.

Otherwise, happy baking!
(and happy browsing :-D)

Let the Holidays Begin!

When I was a kid, you always dressed up for holiday meals.

That doesn't seem to happen as much any more and I find I miss it.

So this year, I'm making up for lost time!  

Enjoy the day, everyone.

:-D

Boundaries

(This is kind of a rant, but it's been stuck in my craw for a while, so let me just get it out and then we'll move on, OK?)

A while back, I posted about declining a date with BG because I had a previous engagement with a friend to see the new Star Trek movie. I only meant it as a light little piece, so I was kind of surprised by some of the reactions I got off-post, where I took a fair bit of teasing about my priorities.

Most of it was in fun, I know that. But there were also liminal undertones of "The Shock Of The Better Sub" -- and that part bothered me.

Because for one thing, were you to check page 37 of Jz's Handbook of Life, you would discover that, in my world, you do NOT blow someone off simply because a better offer is received, no matter who issued it. My mama would rise from her grave to bitch-slap me if I did that, and when I staggered back onto my feet, I'd have to bitch-slap myself -- because that is just not acceptable behavior.

Even disregarding the question of common courtesy, however, these comments got under my skin because they touched on a trope within D/s that I actually quite object to -- that the good submissive never says, "No" -- context be damned. 

That's just not how I (nor, thankfully, BG) see(s) it. 

To my mind, a power exchange is between dominant and submissive only.

Certainly, whatever two people agree to do between themselves is no one else's business -- but the key words there are "between themselves."

I may cede to my dominant all sorts of control over me but that control does not extend to any and all independent entities I interact with -- those maintain their right to autonomy.

So while I may be willing to change my pre-existing plans, if they involve someone else, the plans stay as is. My friends didn't sign up to be controlled by BG and I'm not going to play fast and loose with them as though they had.

Now certainly, we're just talking about a movie date here, so my rant undoubtedly seems excessive. But the underlying principle touches on an issue I have seen crop up often enough to concern me -- where subs stretch a "no limits" policy until it becomes virtually "no boundaries" --  and suddenly anything they've ever seen, read, or touched becomes eligible to be laid at their dominant's feet.

"Here, have my mother's credit card number!"

"Of course I'll give you the combination to the safe where I work!"

"Well, my friend didn't expect you to assault her, Sir, but that's OK, you are Master, after all." (I only wish this one were hyperbole…)

(OK, mostly exaggerations -- but the underlying message is the same as in statements I've actually read out there... and that message makes me crazy.)

Those are not your things.

The fact that you have access to them does not make them your things.

And things that are not yours are, by extension, not yours to share with anyone else.

Please stick to the stuff that is actually yours.

(thank you, I'm done now)

In Which I Rethink My Stance on Accurate Speech

"…and you are such a good slut, giving pleasure to your Dom, worshipping his cock and letting him torture your tits… Well, I should say 'tit' -- I'm only mangling one at the moment..."

*mwheeEEpf!*

"There -- Now the use of the plural is correct..."

A Choppy, Pointless, and Highly Parenthetical Ramble

My relationships seem to vacillate between men who appreciate my independence and men who need more "live in my pocket" than I can offer.

I'm not very good at being smothered so I can completely understand why I tend toward the ones who like my independence.

But…

I still want to be needed.

Needed, appreciated, desired, cherished...

in my own ruggedly independent (and occasionally submissive) way.

This is not an easy balance to achieve with the AOI. (Appreciators of Independence) Largely, because they usually appreciate it in me because they want it for themselves. 

So it boils down to a juggling act. 

From my side, I need to convey that I just want to feel included and remembered, that it doesn't mean I've totally changed my tune, or that I'm trying to lay a guilt trip on him.

From his side, he has to overcome his kneejerk reaction that what I'm asking would mean losing our independence, that my needs don't mean I've been misrepresenting or wearing a false face.

It's not an impossible task, but it doesn't happen overnight, either. 

Kaya wrote a post recently that talks about how there's a lot of work that goes into reaching the point where your relationship becomes one that people envy.

Now, I'm not by any means claiming that mine is a relationship to envy (well, okay, the "what we have between us" part is kind of enviable - but the rest of it would NOT work for most people) (as my friends continually remind me) (in supportive fashion)

but (to finish that sentence up there ^ that I left hanging wide open) my relationship is dear to me - so it warrants the work. (In fact, I'm pretty sure that any relationship worth it's salt is one that people have worked on.)

Where it gets tricky is in discovering how to keep the work productive. You have to be vigilant about allowing for the perceptions and desires of the other person, while expressing yourself honestly, and remaining willing to recognize and accept compromise.

This can be an absolute bugger of a dance, can I just mention?

Because really, it's much, MUCH easier for any of us (I don't like to think it's just me, anyhow) to simply pay lip service to the other person. Or to frame their words based on past experience (generally unsuccessful) with someone else (or even this same person) and end up not hearing what they're saying. 

Clarity, consistency, neutrality, and openness can be a nearly-impossible combination at times.

BG & I are both fairly decent at most of those, tho' not always all at once. However, the thing that has helped us the most is patience. We've both been willing to work down until we found a bedrock of faith in each other. 

I suppose it boils down to trust -- but it feels a bit wider in scope than that. I'm not just trusting him, I'm trusting in him -- and in him-trusting-in-me. And I'm acting in a manner that (hopefully!) shows that his trust is not misplaced.

Most of the time I think we're doing well.

Progress is slow but steady, with each learning and accomodating.

But I won't lie, there are times I wonder if I'm just plain kidding myself.

Out of Curiosity

Does this seem just wrong to anyone besides me?

The "Hello Kitty" Pocket Rocket

Aural Fixation

My voice always husks up when I have a cold, as I do now.

And when I'm in this condition, it's not uncommon for me to receive a comment, as I did today, that I should really consider work in the phone sex field, cuz my voice is HAWT! (Personally, I think I sound like Johnny Cash, but whatever.)

The point is that the comment highlighted something I've been considering this week, about all the different sensual components that go into finding someone attractive, and how the input of a single sense can convey so much disparate information. 

Not to mention how individually we all prioritize our senses...

I've long known that I'm not particularly visual but it took a while before I realized just how driven I am by sound.

It shouldn't have come as a surprise… I dislike most sports because I find the clamor of the masses to be unpleasantly discordant. I can only stay in big art museums for so long before I am wincing with headache brought on by the nearly imperceptible whine of lighting and electronics bouncing off of marble.

But those sounds frame my reactions to things, not people.

The other day, however, I was listening to a podcast that was a round table of dominants and I realized that, despite liking most of what was said, I absolutely could not see myself submitting to any of these people. I wasn't sure why initially, so I sat down and picked it apart -- and realized the problem was what I heard about them in their voices.

It wasn't just the speech acoustics, altho' modulation of tone was certainly lacking for the most part. But I also kept tripping over elocution, articulation, and for the love of god, people, grammar. (OK, that last one falls more under the purview of "Jz as Persnickety Bitch" … but still, the fact remains. One more "where's that at?" and I just may issue The Scream That Is Heard Around the World…) 

Now, before you quibble, No. None of those details have any bearing whatsoever on whether someone is a good person or not, a good dominant or not. 

In general.

But -- attention to these details DOES say something about the values of the person presenting them -- and those values are indicative of traits that I personally find attractive. It's an extension of individual taste, like heavy or thin for the visual, stinky or fragrant for those driven by their noses -- it's simply what I like.

So in specific, to me, how you speak is a good predictor of how well we'll mesh. 

(Seriously… can you imagine how black and blue I'd be if I was with a dominant who only spoke in sentences I felt compelled to correct?!?)

Reason #892 I am thankful for my deep-voiced, non-mumbling, complete-sentenced, grammatically-correct, magic-handed (but that's another post) Dom.

I can just relax and enjoy his hawt without any distractions.  :-)

One Gauntlet Down...

Are you good at trying to become better at something you know you don't do very well?

I'm not - never have been.

I'm not sure where it comes from. 

But wherever... boy, does my inner brat NOT like being pushed to improve!

(Surely my standards of adequacy should be sufficient for anyone!)

It's one of the biggest challenges of my personality, because that kind of pressure makes all the traits I struggle with -- impatience, arrogance, immaturity, petulance, temper -- fall into a ditch together where, rather than cooperate to get the heck out, they just snort and turn their backs on each other.

While the ditch fills with water…

In my defense, I try.

I don't like this facet of my personality, so I really do attempt (when cornered) to rise above myself, to be gracious and good humored, and to genuinely expend energy working toward improvement. Those efforts generally only cover the surface, however. Inside, I'm usually still having a temper tantrum, thrashing and snarling out every colorful phrase I know. (And I know a lot of phrases!)

So, right or wrong, it's not an issue I like to force too often.

Well, BG threw down a gauntlet the other night.

In actuality, the terms were so win-win for us both that it hardly seemed worth making it a challenge. But he did… because it addresses something he'd like to see me do better. 

(do you sense where this is going?)

Then he quirked an eyebrow and asked, "Do you accept?"

Now, I have said in the past that I love a challenge. 

I believe I've also claimed to see my submission as being active, not passive.

Apparently I am a big fat liar.

Because that challenge, touching as it did on a point of weakness, went right up my nose, under my skin -- and BAM! 

There I was, tossed right back into the ditch.

Oh, and… embarrassment decided to hop in as well, just to further churn up the mud. 

It was touch and go for a moment whether I'd scream, bite something, or just run away.

But when he nudged me and prompted, "Well??", I realized the ditch may have met it's match. Because much though I dreaded agitating the inner troll, disappointing BG was even less attractive a prospect…

"I'll try, sir. But I will probably need some help."

"That's fine..."

******

I can't claim I aced it.

I won't say I wasn't squirming inside.

But with his help, I squeaked out a "pass" --

which in this instance, felt like a rather large "win" ...

I think I'll take it.

Start Your Ovens...!

Because on Thursday, Dec. 5, 2013 the Great Online Cookie Exchange Extravaganza returns ... and we hope you'll join us for the fun. :-)

The rules are simple: 

Just post a recipe for a holiday goodie on Thursday, December 5, 2013. (We don't limit our holiday eating to just cookies...)

Anyone is welcome to join in  -- but --

    There's One Condition:

If you want your blog to show up in the official list of participant links, you MUST contact me (Jz) by Tuesday, Dec. 3rd, with both your name and the URL of your blog. 

(If you're not sure what I'm talking about, Years One thru Three can be found here.)

Hope to see you all baking!