Dolly Dimple and The Conundrum

I didn't mention this on these pages, but one of those stupid nagging thoughts that plagued me over the past few months centered around my appearance. 

You see, the very last time we'd been together, he had me rolled up into this tight little ball, balanced up on my shoulders while he reamed the beejeepers out of me -- and I thought to myself at the time, "he is NOT getting a very attractive visual here…"

   Aaand..., right after that, he dropped off the face of the earth.

And yes, even tho' I know that five years aren't flushed down the toilet simply over ten pounds, and no, he'd never implied *anything* negative about my weight or looks, still… I could not shake the thought that, "yep, I really must have looked every bit as fug as I suspected…" 

   A thought which became, unhappily, my mind's mantra of choice.

So naturally, with that kind of unhelpful attitude, things went south pretty fast. 

Being the persnickety soul that I am, however, I didn't address the actual issue and set about losing any of the acreage. 

   No, no! 

Instead, the inner contrarian apparently decided that "if you thought that was bad, just wait!"… and proceeded to lead me down calorie-filled, chocolate-lined pathways that landed me in an entirely new column on the BMI.

I'm not proud of myself for this idiocy, by any means. But on the other hand, I refuse to beat myself up over it, either. Yeah, I ate a LOT and no, my doctor's not too happy with me at the moment. But I'm a yo-yo girl at the best of times, and if a weight gain is the worst I have to show for those months of misery, I actually think I came out of it pretty well.

That doesn't mean I relish the additional avoirdupois, however. 

   Hell, no. 

I really, really dislike how I look at the moment, but unless and until I get off my substantial backside and DO something about it, I cannot, in good conscience, whine about it.
Fortunately, BG doesn't seem to be at all bothered by there being more of me to squeeze this time 'round.

   So I just quietly pretend that everything's fine… :-)

This stance made for quite the challenge the other night, however, when he decided to wrap me into a full body harness so tight that the rope squeaked when I breathed. Because you know that in my head, all I could picture were vast quantities of fleshy bulges, oozing forth all over my body.

I felt like a living Play Doh Fun Factory -- and I did NOT enjoy the visual.

I wanted to squirm and slap and slink away.

   BUT… I figure he can't hate the way it looks, or he'd stop doing it, right?

So I pu-u-u-shed the image as far away as I could (perhaps not that far as the crow flies, but sufficient to get it out of the front of my mind, anyhow) and just concentrated on doing what he wanted from me.

And funnily enough, while he's always generous with praise, that night there was more of it aimed specifically at my "sexiness" than I've ever gotten before. 

Which was kind of (<understatement alert) mind-boggling to me, but I'm not gonna look a gift horse in the mouth, either. 

Because logically, my mind knows that attraction lies in more than just looks. (Lesson #4, remember?)

   And I'm glad he sees something that pleases him. 

   Beyond glad -- downright tickled, actually.

It's just...

I guess I just wish that whatever he sees was something I could see for myself…
Cuz then maybe I wouldn't spend so much time trying to figure it all out.

Adapting

I saw this and really liked it.
It's a statement that makes me go *nod, nod* (especially in light of my life's upheavals in recent months,) but nonetheless, I have to admit that it's frustrating to me that you create yourself, but... other people have the ability to just come along and erase your leg right from under you, as well.

It hardly seems fair.

On the other hand, the ability to regenerate limbs is a valuable one. ;-p

The simple truth is that life is change and adaptation to that change. 

It's an inevitable cycle that we tend to ignore, because no one enjoys thinking they don't control their own destiny.

But I wonder if maybe we don't mis-identify the function of control -- if perhaps we view it as a way to keep things static, locked down, when, really, it's more of a gimbal -- something that allows us to adapt to externally-generated changes without completely losing our balance. 

Maybe control isn't what keeps us fixed but is actually the means to fluidity...

After all, speaking realistically, the new forms that result from our creation and re-creation are often far more appropriate and comfortable than the ones we had to abandon.

Why do we have such a hard time remembering that, do you suppose? 

MAWWIAGE

So, this week's TMI Tuesday wonders about marriage.

Now, I'm completely unqualified to speak to the matter, of course, but really, all they're asking for is some opinions… and I have plenty of those! :-D

So here we go...

1. Do you believe in marriage?

As it happens, yes, I do. 

Despite never having been tempted to indulge for myself, I do.

I think there's much to be said for that extra layer of commitment and stability that marriage *can* bring to people's lives. But it's also not something I see as a necessary component of a happy life -- because we all know that marriage doesn't inevitably bring those layers with it -- and things go wrong even with the best of intentions. So I don't think people need marriage to nurture a good relationship. In fact, I think marriage can make things just as much harder as it can make them more rewarding.

But still, I am heartened by the idea of two people loving each other enough to be willing to say, "I really want to try for forever with you…"

2. Have you ever proposed marriage or been proposed to marry? 

Well, no.

Neither.

I'm more prone to finding men who completely abjure marriage..., and then dash straight to the altar with the next woman they date after me.

Seriously. 

My track record is 100% on this...

3. What would be your dream way of proposing marriage?

I don't think I'd want it overly orchestrated or planned out -- no going on one knee required -- but I wouldn't want it to feel completely off-the-cuff casual, either. Probably during a pause while doing everyday things, asked in a simple and sincere way…

4. What would be your nightmarish way of proposing marriage?

Flashed out in neon in a large sports stadium.

This would be a huge failure to communicate, on levels too numerous to count...

5. Mainstream society has engagement rings; in your opinion, what token should be given to signify engagement?

I'm all for the engagement bracelet, a la Jackie Kennedy…

I love rings but I don't wear them well. They get banged up and in my way.

Bracelets, on the other hand, can be happily worn as a daily accessory.

6. Would you like to participate in an “open” marriage vs. a traditional monogamous marriage? Have you ever given it serious thought? 

No, I don't believe I'd like that a'tall, a'tall.

Altho' traditional can be a hard road to travel in and of itself, I realize this. 

But it's not impossible and frankly, I do prefer the thought of someone willing to "cleave only unto me"… But I also know monogamy can be tough, I know it's tempting to just bust out on occasion, and I know that the odd bout of infidelity does not have to threaten anything emotionally.

That said, however, I have personally witnessed a whole lotta hurt coming out of structured "open" marriages. It seems like there is inevitably one external relationship that comes along and breaks down the communication. Someone becomes too important for the other partner's comfort and the framework the two people have worked so hard to put in place just crumbles. Keeping a door open is every bit as likely to let things out as it is to let them in.

Nor frankly, is my self-confidence up to the strain.

I think I would prefer to struggle within the confines of a promise freely given.

Bonus: Tell us about someone you would have proposed to but never had the chance/opportunity.

Well, marriage and kids have never been big items on my agenda, so I don't think there's ever really been a "would have" for me...

In fact, truthfully, there's only been one man I've ever even, um, realistically fantasized about marrying… (yes, yes, oxymoron, I know... but if you think about it, you'll see what I mean!) but he was transferred back out of the country a month after we started dating, so it was kind of a moot point. And everyone since then has always brought up some version of, "well, I can't see that happening, can you?" in my mind...

So I can't really answer this question, I guess.  :-)

See Who Else Is Playing!

TMI Tuesday

Start Your Christmas Shopping Early

This, on a mug.

Please and thank you.

Out On A Limb

I had actually done some writing ahead of time, hoping to have a few things ready to post here during what I knew would be an awful month for down time.

You haven't seen any of those pieces, however, because to print them now would be a lie. I'm no longer in the same head space that I've occupied for lo these many months. (Well, except for the "Dolly Dimple doppelganger" angst. That's still ever-so-real.)

But I'm not ready to pour forth torrents of gushing happiness, either. 

I dare not. 

Because I have embarked on the ultimate crapshoot - a second attempt at a relationship previously deemed "Finished" ... and these are perilous waters.

In fact, it was a month before I trusted the rapprochement enough to even refer to it obliquely in these pages. I wasn't sure it wouldn't turn out to be just a flash in the pan -- and that would be a pain best held private. I also suspect it will be a while yet before he gets the same matter of fact acceptance that he had for so long. Because some important things have changed… but a few remain close enough to "the same" that I'm still cautious. 

The good thing about being pretty much over a breakup when you talk about getting back together, however, is that you don't have much to lose. With eight months of healing behind you, you really don't care if your new and somewhat revised attitude pisses him off. (What's he gonna do? Break up with you?? You're not even back together yet!)

There is a certain position of strength in that.

On the other hand, I'm still me... 

I'm not going to use that strength as leverage … but I am comfortable with being a lot more frank with him. I was honest before, but I used to try to frame things in careful neutrality. Which meant my points often got lost in Switzerland. So now I leave less room for travel. :-)

And just as I'm still me, he's still him.

He was not annoyed by my new attitude. He was braced for worse, actually. Because he knows what he did and he regrets that it hurt me -- but on the other hand, he won't apologize for doing what he had to do at the time. And I get that.

He's just not the type who will ever jump through hoops for anyone -- but I don't want him to. I don't get off on making anyone squirm, particularly not my dom. Nor am I interested in receiving anything that is not freely given.

I want meaning behind the gestures.

So we've talked, we've both agreed to some goals, and now we're feeling our way forward. That's about all there is to say right now.

I don't know how much of it will show up here but at least now you know what's going on with the woman behind the curtain… :-)

Eine kleine Nachtmusik

It was late and I had just gone to bed…

♪*ping!*♪

"Did you get your free U2 download yet?"

"whoops, no! Thanks for reminding me!"

♪*ping!*♪

"Listened yet?"

  "No, having troubles finding it."

♪*ping!*♪

"It's a bit convoluted. Try here…"

"Yes! You da best!"

♪*ping!*♪

"Listening now. It's good, if not awesome- very typical U2"

  "haven't heard it yet. download just, just finishing…

    but I do like U2..."

♪*ping!*♪

"Try this, from another album. I think it's even better. 

(sorry, can only send one MP3 at a time at the moment.)"

"Oh, I like this!"

♪*ping!*♪

"Here's another from the same CD"

"oooo, really like this one…"

♪*ping!*♪

"One more"

  "Duuude!"

♪*ping!*♪

"Oh, fuck it. I'll send 'em all…"

" ;-D "

♪*ping!*♪...

♪*ping!*♪...

♪*ping!*♪...

♪*ping!*♪...

♪*ping!*♪...

It ended up being another hour before I finally got back to bed --

  only to dream of nickelodeons...

All I want is lovin' you

and Music, Music, Music!

Mantra of the Month

I can do this.

I can get through this month.

(twenty-one more days to go…)

Did Someone Change The Channel??

He held my gaze as he straightened the kinks out of the rope.

A faint trembling started inside me.

It had been so long… did I still want this? Could I still take this?

He took his time, studying me intently after he'd tightened each loop.

It hurt. 

Not unbearably, but more than I remembered...

and still he looped the rope.

My breasts were thickly collared and my breath was squeaking out in small whimpers.
Time to move on to my wrists.

I stood, lip between my teeth, hands proffered before me.

My trembling was now visible, nerves starting to get the better of me...

and still he wound the rope.

I was led to the door, suspended, and clipped.

By now, my trembling had mixed with shudders.

*whack!*

"oh god"

*whack!*

"oh god, yes!"

The tempo increased as firm hand met yielding flesh, 

over and over and over…

I gasped

and mewled

and twisted

and panted

And then, oh sweet heaven, the flogger.

Across my ass…, my back…, my sides...

before I was spun to face forward so it could slash at my swollen, bound tits.

Someone wailed.

(I'm pretty sure it was me…)

A hand clamped down between my legs and swiveled me back and forth, controlling access to my entire quivering, straining, undulating, pleading body, ... and stroking me to the stars.

I was one seriously moaning, sobbing, incoherent mess... 

and I couldn't stop.

I guess I still want this.

Losing Yourself in Books

That was kind of my theme this summer.

I just went plain ol' face down into the analgesic effects of a good, known paranormal series. Or, in my case, several good, known paranormal series.

I didn't tell you guys much about them, tho', so this edition of Wha'cha Readin' Wednesday will include an overview of my summertime paranormal binging, as well as describing the book currently propped open on my table.

For sheer summer escapism, I first plowed my way through Yasmine Galenorn's Otherworld series. I'd already gotten up through Book 12, but I had to re-read those before I could move on to the next three!

If you don't know this series, it centers around three sisters, half-human/half-fae, who live in Seattle and work for the Otherworld Intelligence Agency… or that's where it starts. Soon they are busy trying to prevent an invasion by evil minions from the Subterranean Realms, in between running businesses, acquiring hot lovers, and making mortal enemies of some very nasty critters.

Camille is a witch, Delilah a shape-shifter, and Menolly a vampire, and Ms. Galenorn features one sister per book, in turn, and each round of three books completes one phase of their adventures. (Although each book can also be read stand alone, but you'll miss a lot that way.)

Then I moved on to Eileen Wilks World of the Lupi. This is an urban fantasy series that features detective Lily Wu, a sensitive, and her bond-mate, Rule Turner, a werewolf "prince". The books are hot romance, but with a lot of magical mythology and intricate backstories. (Not too intricate to keep track of, however.) There are also superb secondary characters, some of whom actually carry entire books of the series themselves. It's good stuff. (Ask sofia if you don't believe me!)

I also threw in some Patricia Briggs Mercy Thompson books (how can you not love a heroine who's a VW mechanic?) and Karen Chance's Cassandra Palmer series. (Klutzy, time-traveling seer and hot vampire. WhoooHOOO!)

So that was July and most of August. :-)

During these weeks known as Hell Month in my job, however, I don't have the energy at night for getting into a full novel. I need my escapism in smaller, more easily digestible pieces.

So, currently, I'm reading "Female Nomad and Friends" by Rita Golden Gelman. I've not read the original "Female Nomad", which is Ms. Gelman's account of her adventures of a life lived on the road and out of a suitcase, but this collection of short stories that her readers, in return, shared back with her, is a marvelous glimpse into the kind of wonderful and unexpected things that can happen to a person traveling alone amidst the unknown.

AND… speaking of digestible, it includes recipes!!

It's more anecdote than culinary but still, there are some terrific international meals to be found here…

(and I can't decide which to sample first!)

The book does cause a bit of an inner conflict for me, however. I'm really enjoying the stories, and some of them have given me a serious case of wanderlust...

Yet I am also forced to accept that my adventurous spirit is constrained by an equally strong love of running water and indoor plumbing.

Weenie Girl, First World Edition...