I asked

The good news is that the whole kerfluffle with the ex-beau gave me an opening.

I decided that if I was so bothered by the fact that no one had ever taken the time to talk to me about what they saw as a problem, then I probably shouldn’t make the same mistake myself.

So I pulled up my big girl panties and asked BG if either my lack of direction and/or the offshoot that I’d feared might be a problem actually were problems for him.

It wasn’t exactly a protracted discussion that ensued.

He wrinkled his nose a little, gave a dismissive shake of his head, and said, “No. That doesn’t bother me at all”… and then moved on to a more interesting topic of conversation.

But for once, a few short words felt entirely sufficient to me. ;-D

(Good thing I asked, tho', cuz look what I stumbled across the very next day…!)

(See? It wasn't just those four guys talking...)

Closure and Questions

I got a phone call the other night from a beau of 20 years ago.

Talk about your blast from the past! A potentially painful blast at that… 

Our breakup had been pretty ugly - he’d handled things appallingly and caused a lot of hurt - of the kind that makes you question everything you thought you knew - and we’d never had a conversation after that to get the air clear.

So in a lot of ways, the call was good. I got my looong overdue apology and I realized that the bitterness is gone. I talked to him and never once felt like spitting... which I told him. (To his credit, he laughed pretty hard at that.) I was able to see the good traits that had caused me to fall for him (meaning I hadn’t just imagined them, which had been one of the questions) but I was also reminded of all the things that didn’t fit well, qualities that made it A Very Good Thing that we were no longer together.

Even at this much of a distance, the call really helped me get that last bit of peace to truly put the whole thing behind me, and that is worth a great deal.

Unhappily, however, some of what he said has magnified other doubts I’ve been grappling with lately. Basically, he pointed out that I lack direction in life (which the jellyfish fully recognizes) and said that lack made it difficult for him to judge what I wanted and how we might align our lives. So, he took his best guess... and left.

The bad news is, this is not the first time I’ve been told that upon breakup. The first time I heard it, I simply ignored the information, because it came from that jerk guy I’d dated just because I thought he was the kind of man I was supposed to find, so his opinion that my lack was a problem had actually been easy to dismiss.

But this same “problem” has made guest appearances in my life since then. Online Guy held fairly strong opinions about how I was wasting my talents, and even SP (who I do at least know loves me to pieces anyhow) has chided me gently about it on more than one occasion. 

The suckiest part, however, is that lately, I’d already begun to think that an offshoot of this same fault may be part of a stumbling block that BG and I are facing… and now I have this fourth bell chiming in on the chorus that the issue stems from me.

And I’m not sure how to proceed from here.

It’s true that I haven’t found my “what” in life. 

It’s also true that I’ve refused to grab onto to just anything to say I have a “what.” 

I didn’t want to be one of those people who stick with something that makes them miserable for no better reason than "it's something", nor did I want to be one of those who jump erratically and with great enthusiasm from one unfinished attempt to another.

Instead, I made the decision to live my life with the most contentment possible, while still trying to remain flexible and keeping my eyes open...
I put my focus on the "how", rather than the "what."

I didn’t realize that this decision would have such a negative impact on me finding a “who”…

Did I mention I’m not sure how to proceed from here?

Do They Make Those?

So… 

I can't really give a good blow job unless I'm focusing,

I can't really have a good orgasm unless I'm focusing,

  ...and he wants me to do both at the same time.

I think I need a splitter for my brain…

The Dark Side of the Moon

We've gone over this before, chewed the subject to death, in fact. You know, my whole "submissive to the dominant, not the dominance" wiring story. Been there, done that, designed the t-shirt...

But I have to admit, I've also wondered about it from his side.
Does he prefer the born submissive, or the triggered one?
Or does it even matter?

Because it's almost like virginity, isn't it? 

To some, dominant-specific submission is a big plus; to others, it's a failing; and the rest wonder why this is even a thing? And I couldn't decide where I thought he fell along that spectrum. 

Part of me figured it was likely a non-issue, simply because he has a certain liberality of character that I could easily see being indifferent to the question. ("As long as the equation is solved properly, I don't care about the method used…")

And yet…

He loooves the fact that he is able to challenge me when almost nobody else can… and he's territorial when I least expect it. Plus, there is a definite thrill of the chase mentality in him. (Which actually kind of worries me, because I'm not convinced I qualify as much more than "limping bunny"…) Each of these qualities would seem to me to indicate that he might prefer my submission as something that only he can tap into. 

Yet I'm not sure.

So I've wondered...

       …and finally asked.

Happily, it turns out that yes, he does like the additional heat provided by knowing he's the only one who can get me to do this stuff … that knowledge intensifies his pleasure in seeing me yield to his desires.  :-D

It's not really a thing I had to know…

     but it is a thing I'm glad to know.  :-)

Firsts

I'm pretty sure I've mentioned here before that I was a slow starter in the heady world of relationships and sex. Even as a hormonally-charged teenager, it was always more about the mind than the body for me, and I just didn't meet people who intrigued me "that" way.

Which is fine. 

I do not regret being particular for my whole life ... except in one small way.

When you're a late bloomer, it's not hard for the rest of the world to outpace you in experience. Most of the time, you're the one being taught, the one having a "first time."

And there's just a little something extra about a "first" isn't there?

    First love, first kiss, first scene…

We remember them. Even if they're not otherwise all that memorable, they still have a bright shiny coating simply by virtue of their novelty and the excitement that evokes.

But when you're the pupil, knowing that all the wonder is largely one-sided can temper the afterglow a bit. Not that the other person didn't enjoy themselves, or that you can't still be special to them, I don't mean that -- but you're not giving them that extra bit of shiny. 

I'd like to, though. I want to reciprocate, to give as I get… and sometimes, frankly, to carve out a tiny place just for me in their hearts. This hasn't seemed meant to be, however. 

Which is okay - but still leaves me a little wistful once in awhile.

So I'd pretty much come to accept that I will forever be a non-firstie.

     ... and happened to mention that minor disappointment to SP...

Who then decided that 33 years was long enough for the statute of limitations on Manly Silence to have expired, and proceeded to run through a list of firsts he'd had with me.

It wasn't a long list, they weren't all occurrences of exactly the type I had been envisioning in my wistful dreams, but it was a list. As in, more than one thing! 

I had achieved the creation of multiple shiny moments and never knew!

Which got me thinking…

Why don't we tell each other these things?

I was going to chalk it all up to Men -- after all, you don't catch many of them stepping up to admit they haven't Done It All Already. 

But more likely, it's all of us.

Maybe we all hold our firsts close to our heart, unwilling to share them, even with their creator, because we fear losing the shiny. 

Maybe it's fear -- we don't want to seem too eager, or too weak?

Maybe we don't want the other person thinking they've now carved out a tiny place just for themselves in our heart...

Or we simply hope to avoid being drawn into comparisons, which have the potential to dull and disappoint.

There are a lot of valid potential reasons.

I guess when I think about it, I can understand why we stay quiet.

I'm just not convinced it's a good idea…

An Unexpected Pax

I never really know who's going to walk through the door when he comes over… he's an endlessly changing mix of characteristics, so there's no getting cocky about thinking I know who he'll be on any given day.

   Sometimes the dominant shows up, sometimes the sadist.

   Sometimes the generous lover, sometimes the man who simply takes.

   Most times, it's someone somewhere in between.

And that's okay.

Because they're all parts of him… and you may have noticed that I am rather taken with him? So all variations are welcome, -- and generally accommodated without a second thought. Sometimes there can be a touch of disconnect...

   Maybe the sadist shows up when I could use a little gentleness.

   Or he wants service and I just want to be fucked until I can't think.

But we've been good at navigating to the same page pretty quickly. (Or, more accurately, he is good at navigating us to the same page. I cannot claim to contribute anything to this process except the part where I follow his lead...)

So I don't really worry which version of my dom will show up.

Except, there's someone new who's been coming around lately. 

He's not someone I've really met before -- in fact, seeing him kind of makes me wonder if BG's body has been invaded by aliens -- but he feels like the BG my heart believes in and has stuck by, the guy I've always thought was in there, the one who knows me and gets me and maybe even can come to care for me. This may be the man behind the defenses.

And that's someone I'm surely glad to see.

But Weenie Girl isn't so sure. 

This BG kind of scares her…, although probably not as much as I scare her. 

She's afraid I'm just seeing what I want to, that I'll follow what I perceive as his lead, when really, it's only a dream -- that I'm chasing right off the edge of a cliff. 

She's not so chicken-shit that she wants me to run away, exactly… but she doesn't want me moving toward him, either. 

Weenie Girl would much rather I just sit tight for the moment.

And for once, I think I agree with her.

Deal-breakers and Sticky Bits

There's some truly incredible eye candy that has moved into the office next to mine. 

  (oh, to be 20 years younger!)

I encouraged my more age-appropriate co-worker to check him out…

But, no.

"He's really cute, amazing voice, gets a lot of points overall -- but he wears cargo pants… and I just can't."

Which makes me laugh pretty hard, even tho' I get it.

We each have our own deal-breakers, whether or not they make sense to anyone else. There are just some things that make certain people a "no-go".

I got thinking, tho', about the other side of the equation.

That place where certain people register as "can't-stop's"

And I'm wondering... what exactly gives them that sticky bit? 

       (a sticky bit, roughly speaking, is a tiny permission setting on a file that makes it impossible to delete that file unless you are the creator.)

I suspect it's tempting to say that the "stick" comes from love, but I don't honestly think that's what it is. Love may certainly be part of it but I've been able to walk away from someone I love, just as I've been walked away from by someone I know truly loves me. And BG's sticky bit kicked in well before any higher emotions (of whatever name) were formed.

So, what is it that triggers that deep-seated sense of commitment, do you suppose?

(I don't have an answer here, I'm just sharing my wonderings.)

Ideas, anyone?

A Brief Show of Hands...

Does this title strike anyone besides me as just the tiniest bit contradictory?

(actual e-book)

A Muzzy-Headed Musing

So, as part of Old Home Week (which was an absolute blast, btw,) Tiny Woman came over and joined Cathy and me for a good ol' gabfest. The talk was mostly children, adventures, and love (fortunately my cough gave me an excuse not to have to contribute much) and near the end, Cathy turned to Tiny Woman and said, "Our next mission is to find someone for Jz."  Two faces swiveled to look at me, to find me shaking my head. At which point, Tiny Woman swatted Cathy on the arm and said, "Well, Jz isn't like you and me -- she doesn't really need anyone, anyhow." (At which point, two faces swiveled to look at her…)

Days later, I'm still mulling over how I feel about that statement.

At the moment, certainly, I felt grossly misrepresented, even tho' I know TW spoke in the spirit of support.

I can't say she's completely wrong, however -- I know why she said what she did. I've never been encouraged to lean on anyone, and I've never found anyone who wants to be leaned on… so I've learned how not to be dependent.

I can't say that that's the same thing as "not needing", however … and I'm danged certain that it's not the same thing as "not wanting"…

But the words got me wondering… is that muddling of terms part of my trouble?

A lot of subs here in the blogosphere have openly fretted over being "too needy" - worrying that their doms will be put off by the vast miasma of suffocating need that they seem to feel is emanating from them. And we always counter that with, "Don't be silly, your dominant wants you to need him"  - which genuinely does seem to be the case. 

Maybe that lack of dependence that I apparently project gets misinterpreted as lack of need? Maybe that puts off the people who want to be needed? And maybe the ones who are attracted by the independence think it means I won't ever want from them, so when I do, it feels like I'm changing my tune?

I dunno.

I'm not entirely sold on any one explanation.

But I still can't get that statement out of my head, either...

I Can't Decide

I'm honestly not sure whether I find this idea to be uplifting -- or scary...

Differing Opinions

I sent this to BG as one of this week's photos:

It came in last in the ratings.

Now, the other two were of wax play and predicament bondage -- which also managed to include nipple clamps and an up-close and personal crotch shot of the woman receiving anal (not to mention some very hot seamed stockings,) -- and we haven't seen each other for longer than usual, so I know he's not feeling particularly "subtle" right now.

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this rather atmospheric shot wasn't his top pick.

But I don't think I can agree that it's the least compelling of the bunch, either.

Not when you look closely.

Because what I see here is that moment when he's pulled you in while leaning down to growl a command.

When he's close enough that your skin is tingling and your tummy fluttering…

When every fiber of your being is melting in response to his dominance…

When your breath quickens and your heart stops -- and your libido just plain rolls over and splays shamelessly on it's back like a puppy needing a tummy rub.

I think that moment is about as hot as they come -- even without seamed stockings.

(maybe I'm just seeing it from the wrong side of the slash?)

Random Thoughts

1a) - What IS it about having a laptop bag over your shoulder and a computer under each arm that makes people think this is surely the ideal time to stop you for long and rambling questions that in no way pertain to your actual job?

1b) - AND- in all the literally dozens of times this has happened to me, WHY has no one ever added, "I'm sorry, I can see you've got your arms full…."????

I don't care if I don't look strained, I'm carrying three frickin' computers right now, people! (Next time, I'm going to hand over the heaviest machine and say, "Here, if you're going to stop me, you need to hold one of these for me until you're done talking.")

2) - I keep finding recipes for yummy summer dishes ... that serve 8. 

I'm single and I live alone -- that's way too many leftovers.

I want to throw a Blogger's Picnic so I have help eating all these goodies! :-D 

(Will you come?)

3) - How can my tank tops be so hermetically sealed to my body by sweat that I can barely peel them off and yet still let in half a house's worth of paint chips to adhere to my covered bosom?

4) - They recommend hanging heavily-scented soap in your garden to deter deer from eating your tomatoes. The theory is persuasive but… what happens when it rains?

5) - There are many, many things I genuinely appreciate about BG.

The fact that he has NOT done this may actually top the list…

words fail me...

Attention, Botanists & Gardeners!

Help Needed, Please.
The mystery flower is beginning to bloom.
Does anyone recognize this plant?

click thru for closeup

I have one in white, a couple in darker pink, and this.
Currently, it's about 6 inches high but I believe everything I bought was predicted to be at least a foot tall, if not higher, so don't let the size fool you! (sage advice for so many things, really...)

Additionally, another mystery arose, something I have never ever seen before:

again, click thru for closeup

It's plunk in the middle of an area I just cleared of crocuses and daffs. Years and years they've been there but this thing's new for 2013. It cropped up unexpectedly, like my own personal alien invasion.
It formed an eerie circular spray of these insipidly pale, bean-sproutish stems (most of which have already been whisked away but these were stragglers,) which are about 3 inches long with brown pods and pinkish brown seeds.

I have No Clue.
But I'm a bit concerned that I may be propagating triffids in my back garden...

Any input, words of advice, and other useful commentary gratefully received.
Further details available upon request.
Triffid-expert reassurance particularly welcome.

Thank you!! :-D

good question...

I said to SP, "In my next life, as well as coming back all lithe and sexy (with smaller boobs and better hair) I also want to be an unsentimental, heartless bitch. Because I suspect they sleep better at nights…"

SP: can you be a heartless bitch and a sub?

Interesting to note that I think that the two are not compatible.

Jz: I was just thinking that... 

SP: Now I'm wondering why my gut reaction would be that... 

Maybe because the few real sub women I know/have known certainly weren't heartless bitches?

Jz: Or perhaps you were just thinking about me specifically? (*mad eyelash batting ensues*)

SP: indeed you are my prime example ... and shining star.

Egotistical smart-aleckyness aside, this exchange got me wondering, too.

And I can't make up my mind, so I'm throwing the question out there… 

What do you guys think?

I know that many of the sisterhood (mutatis mutandis) are geared toward service and like to deem ourselves selfless givers. Yet I sometimes pause...

Because occasionally, the degree of self-avowed insistence on being the one who gives and serves could almost seem like a socially-acceptable mask to disguise a certain degree of self-centeredness. And while self-centeredness isn't the same thing as heartlessness, the glimpsed possibility opens doors for further consideration, I think…

Yet I also have a fairly strong gut reaction that is much like SP's, so I am by no means decided on the matter, myself. Which makes it good that this is not a question that actually needs answering. But it does make for an interesting ponder...

Anyone feel like jumping in?

I Make Myself Dizzy

So there I am, drafting out a heart-felt post about how we really need to let go of these stupid body-image-induced fears:

***************************

Sure, different guys like different body types. Maybe he will think you are too heavy/thin/lopsided/proportional for him.

But here's a clue:

Clothes really don't hide that much.

They provide the illusion of disguise, of course, but remember, guys have that "X-ray Imagination" gene. If he's seen you, he's already formed a pretty decent idea about what you look like naked. Spent a lot of time on it, even.

So if he's pursuing you, drop the fear, cuz he's interested. 

He's not going to react to you taking off your clothes as though you've suddenly been revealed as one of those hairless farting aliens from Dr. Who.

Instead, the hands are going to come out and the groping will commence -- with fervor...

Because sex is not about your body, it's about what you do with your body. Or even better, what you let him do with your body.

***************************

And while I'm composing that draft?

I'm surfing tumblr and catch myself thinking, "shit, I really want to apologize to BG for not looking like these women…"

WHERE IS MY BRAIN??????

(if seen, please send it home. I have a hard enough time with it -- without it, there's practically no hope at all…)

Do I Hear a "Maybe"?

Further thoughts on my struggle with not struggling…

It's a difficult balance, to be as independent as life can require and yet remain willing to relinquish our death-grip on autonomy and even (*gasp*) accept help when needed. Especially for those of us involved in D/s relationships, where the consequences of each action are both more threatening and more crucial... 

I once mentioned to a friend that I could understand why a woman might choose to end a comfortable relationship for no other reason than to find out if she could stand on her own two feet - that I had, in fact, done that with Penultimate Beau.

She Who Has Known Me For Over Forty Years was absolutely floored to hear that I had ever entertained doubts about my ability to stand alone. "Really?? You've felt that way? You're such a free spirit, I would just never have thought... Really??"

(Ever wonder if there is anyone in the world who actually sees the same person you do when you look in the mirror?)

But yes, I felt that way. It was during the time of Jz the Obscure, when I realized I no longer recognized myself. An unfortunate side effect to this time as the Amazing Disappearing Woman was that I lost faith in my ability to take care of me. I had to put myself through the crucible to test this -- but I emerged armed with the knowledge that yes, I Could Do It! 

So it's not that I haven't had my struggles over losing control -- it's just that mine were largely resolved before I ever discovered D/s.

I wonder if that accounts for some of the difference?

umm... what??

There's a lot I don't understand about blow jobs because, well, I haven't actually been giving them that long.

You see, waaaay back in the day, when very young and even more naive than I am now, I had an unfortunate date. The only one, in fact, I've ever come away from with non-consensual activity-type bruises. I managed to get myself out in one piece by giving the swine oral - only to find I could no longer stomach the thought of ever doing that again. The associations of fear and anger and disgust were too strong.

I'd try - the front part of my brain was willing but the more instinctual regions would take over and my flesh would recoil -- and my stomach heave…

I Just Couldn't. 

Blow jobs were simply not on offer if you dated me. 

For nearly 28 years.

But time did it's healing thing and eventually, thankfully, I realized I'd finally gotten through this -- just in time for BG to begin his tutelage in the fine art of cock-worship. (yippee!)

One result of the long delay, however, is that this service has not yet become second-nature to me the way it seems to be to many of my contemporaries. Rather, it's still a thing of wonder and joy. I keep getting lost in the pleasure of it all, both given and gotten.

So I'll admit I was a little taken aback to read the question, in one of the many memes circulating out there, "What's going through your mind as you give a blow job?"

Huh?

I'm supposed to be thinking about things, too?

Apparently there are memos I still haven't gotten…

A Ponder With No Answer

I've been thinking lately about the human propensity to cut off our noses to spite our face. What on earth is up with that???

Why is it that when we are hurt or angered by someone else, the knee-jerk reaction for many is to say, "Ha! I'll show THEM!" and we proceed to think of a list of things we can do *to ourselves* that will make the other person sorry they treated us badly?
They've already hurt us. If that doesn't bother them, then why should our breaking a leg, or failing a test, or performing some sort of harmful violation on ourselves change their mind?

I can empathize with the initial impulse. When I'm hurt or depressed, all sorts of vindictively morbid possibilities occupy my head. But all I actually DO is wallow in despond. I can't imagine myself ever *acting* on these urges. But I have to wonder why is this such a common reaction, anyhow? What is it about humans that cause us to be so incredibly contrary, even at our own expense?

Sure, it's a bid for control, a way of asserting ourselves against a (seemingly) uncaring world. What I don't understand is why it takes the form it does.
I suppose maybe we are the only tool at our disposal? 
Or the only thing we're willing to hurt, maybe?

Limits and Pleasing

I had a hypothetical encounter with a hard limit a while back and it has really provoked an internal dialogue that just won't die...

SP made the comment that someday he'd love to get an opportunity to Dom me, to see if I could respond to his style of dominance, which is much more psychological and "tyrannical" (his word!) than BG's use of pain.

Well, I pretty much already know the answer to that. I would follow happily up to a point, and then things would come to a screeching halt. He and I have discussed the reasons, I don't need to get into them here, but the conversation set me off on a train (vicious circle?) of thought.

Even having to say "I couldn't" about an imaginary situation with a Dom who isn't actually mine (despite it all,) made me feel awful. Complete submissive failure, bring on the hair shirt...
I don't WANT to let my dom down, I want to please, at all times, in all ways.
You know, The Little Submissive Who Could... (Or Wants to Think So, Anyhow)

And yet, strong tho' that desire is, I have an even stronger belief that limits really do exist. I genuinely believe I have the right and responsibility to take care of myself, even in a submissive situation. So if there's something that I know is honestly, truly going to cause a me problem, I must say so, even at the risk of disappointing my dominant.

Now, I'm not saying I have the right to be recalcitrant on general principles. If we hit a limit, I have an obligation to do my very best  to make it past that. If I still balk, then hopefully my dom can navigate a different way around the obstacle to arrive at the desired goal. Physically, that's usually possible. But it's not so easy when the obstacle is psychological -- which means there will still be situations where I'm simply stuck at "I can't..."

This is where that vicious circle starts for me. Not because I wonder, "What do you do then?" -- that can't be answered, as it varies completely with situation and couple. No, where I'm still at a loss is on how to reconcile my belief in my right to safeguard myself with the guilt of doing so.
Because knowing and believing still don't cancel guilt out...

Layers of Lust

I sent him pictures, as I often do. I know he likes the ones that highlight hot details of a scene but this time he got photos that show very little action and even less flesh but that create a very strong impression of dominance and possession.

He responded that those pictures had circled in his mind for days, making him want to use me - selfishly, roughly, repeatedly. I could actually hear the growl beneath the sentence.

It was a purely visceral expression of dominance. My specified role was simply as a means to his end. No implied mutuality, no sense of desire for Jz-the-person, or any of those softer feelings that warm a girl's heart. The actual terms used, in fact, reduced me to nothing more than his own personal glory-hole.
Fucktoy, indeed...

I read the words, blinked, and waited for my indignation to set in. Disconcertingly, however, it never did. Instead, I glowed quietly.
Which struck me as so very peculiar that I had to stop and consider, "why?" -- because I would have expected that little display of objectification to set off every knee-jerk reaction I possess. But no.

So... what just happened here?

I'm still not certain and please bear with my fumbling explanations but I think that the difference lies in the fact that it was his dominance that was triggered, not simple sexual desire. Yes, yes, the two are interwoven with us, that's a given, but...

Sexual desire is, quite frankly, not really person-specific. The libido is a restless, demanding, itchy little bugger that really just wants to be satisfied, object be damned. You can talk yourself into wanting just about anyone if the internal craving is strong enough.

But dominance and submission really are incomplete without the other half of the symbiosis. You can't play those mental tricks on yourself that render anyone fair game. For D/s, like requires like.

Which means that to vent that dominant energy surge, he needs a submissive. And it seems to me (and OK, here's where I may be veering onto the "Delusional Slut's Sugarplum Fantasy Trail",) that for him to specifically want to, um, surge "repeatedly" means he wants to reinforce his dominance, to both strengthen and draw from that synergistic energy loop that he already has with someone.
This is not something he can do with just any sub, he needs HIS sub for that -- and she would be me, the tall, mouthy one over here in the corner.

So, as best I can figure it, the reason I didn't get upset over the objectification is because my subconscious recognized that it wasn't actually an impersonal desire, despite the phrasing. It was genuinely ME that he wanted -- and that's not something he often expresses. (Hence the glowing.)
Or at least, that's the comfortable explanation that my conscious brain likes.

(Should you hear a loud, anguished wail echoing through the blogosphere sometime in the future, it might be me, reacting to being hit upside the head with a 2 x 4 by an uncomfortable reality -- but that'll be another post entirely...)