'nilla Nearly Stumps Me!

If you could fuck ANY person in the world, living or dead, who would you have in your bed and of course, why?

This one's another doozy, in a different way. 

Because right now, I don't wanna fuck anyone -- I just want to eat a lot of chocolate and fish and chips. (Not all together! I'm not THAT depressed!)

I tried… I scanned through my mental list of do-able men… but right now, it's hard to think of anyone I think is hot, much less smokin'!

Just a whole lotta "m'eh…" going on in my head at the moment.

That's a cop-out to the question, tho', so I'm going to try to channel the pre-holidays Jz and answer as though I actually had some kind of interest in "doin' the deed" ever again...

I find I have moved past being drawn to the pretty young ones. Between not being particularly moved by the strictly physical, and having dated a much younger man for more than a decade, PYMen carry connotations I don't enjoy, with no compensating hormonal responses to offset the "no, thanks!" reaction.  So… I'll leave them for those of you who enjoy that sort of thing. (You know who you are!! ;-p)

But this does, sadly, eliminate a whole lot of popular heart-throbs.

Ooh! Ooh!

Wait!

I just totally thought of my answer!!

  (are you inserting a mental drumroll…?)

Sean Connery!!

Really, now that my "weary legionnaire's" brain has finally lit upon him, he seems so glaringly obvious that I'm not even sure he requires explanation as to "why", but I'll keep playing to the question.

OK, first thing - check out the eyes.

They've got "that look" -- and let's face it, even if that wasn't the exactly precise correct look, it's a damned close-enough facsimile thereto!

Second - embarrassing personal revelation #16 - I am reduced to near-swoon condition every time I watch the third Indiana Jones movie and they have those close-ups of Sean Connery as he lies bleeding on the floor, whispering the clues along with Indy…

  THOSE LIPS!

Holy Mother of God… 

   (:fans self:)

I've had to stop myself from crawling up and licking my TV screen…

And oh…

Anyone notice his Scottish accent???

Not to mention that he completely rocks a kilt??? (I couldn't include that photo here because I would have been too distracted to write the post.)

Do I really need to list any more reasons?

Lil Makes Me Go All Linus

   by asking me what I think about people...!

Most annoying personality trait in others?

I'm not 100% certain if this is THE most annoying trait (there seem to be quite a few that are ticking me off right now) but it's the one that I find the most difficult to handle with any sort of grace, so… 

Undercutting. Which may not be the technical term, but you see it demonstrated in people who try to bond with you by putting down anyone who isn't in the room, and inviting you to laugh along with them.

It's arrogant, disrespectful, negative, nasty, immature, and hypocritical. 

Any one of those traits can be bad enough by itself, but in combination?

REALLY distasteful.

What trait do you most admire in a person?

Oh, golly.

There are so many.

Honesty, fairness, courage, generosity, being considerate…

Overall, though…?

I think I'd go with open-mindedness.

There ARE more things in heaven and earth, Horatio… and even if we cannot agree with them all, I think it's incredibly important to at least acknowledge them.

My friend BookMan is past master at this. He will always listen and honestly evaluate any point of view. Any idea, no matter how distasteful to him, is genuinely given all due consideration, even if he ends up by saying, "I have to question that…"

And I find that truly admirable, both because it requires a great depth of understanding, and also because it's hard to step outside our own boxes. 

But nothing is ever gained by ignoring or denying that which makes us uncomfortable.

I Can't Decide

I'm honestly not sure whether I find this idea to be uplifting -- or scary...

kaya Takes The Gloves Off

"What is one of your hard limits? Soft limit? Is there something you've done (kink related) that wasn't as great as you imagined it would be?"

This one was both deeply difficult and highly awkward to answer.

Because, Weenie Girl, hello…

    Responding to seriously NON-Weenie Girl.

(and a whole host of others who outclass my kinkiness with one hand tied, well, whereever!)

But, hoisting up my big girl panties, I Shall Answer -- even tho' my response makes me feel like there's a big ol' "Puling Infant" tattooed on my forehead.

As far as hard limits, I honestly can't decide between "blood", "face slapping" or "being peed on" as the hardest of the hard...

For all of my hard-won experience with injuring myself, I am prone to fainting at the sight of blood, particularly my own. Nor do I react well to cutting or needles. Any of the above situations make me all shocky and wobbly and really not able to concentrate on much besides trying to sit down before I pass out. (No exaggeration - they've had to pry me up off of [some uncomfortably germy-feeling] lab floors on more than one occasion.) I absolutely cannot imagine voluntarily undergoing that, much less with a sense of joy in service… 

So, that's a no.

Face slapping is off limits because of all my neck and jaw issues. I can render myself incapable of eating anything sturdier than mashed potatoes just by falling asleep stressed -- I don't need anyone else whaling away at me with their hand.

(Altho' BG did enjoy cock-slapping my face on occasion and that was cool… But it's not an action likely to injure, unless he, like, caught me one as he swung past on a jungle vine that was describing a very high parabola…)

   OK, I'll stop now before I run any farther with that particular fantasy…

Being peed on is simply too far into the realm of humiliation for me.

Just Can't Go There.

Though I completely understand that many of you relish it. 

In fact, I'm reasonably confident I'm in the minority here. 

(Reason #791 it's not a bad idea for me to be quittin' the club...)

So that's those...

For soft limit, I think I will say breath play.

Initially, I would probably have said it was more of a hard limit… but altho' BG and I never got to the whole "choke and muzzle" scene that is so popular on Tumblr, he did enjoy rendering me incapable of breathing by stoppering all air intake valves with his cock and keeping it there just those uncomfortable few seconds too long - and that form of breath play, I didn't mind.

Like, At All.

So while I still don't want any panic-attack-inducing hands around my neck, I'm not throwing out the whole baby with the bathwater, either.

And finally, was there something that wasn't as great as I'd imagined…?

There really isn't much I can think of that didn't float me away -- but then again, there IS a lot I haven't done. So I'm sure there are disappointments out there that I would have eventually stumbled into. 

From actual experience tho', I think about the only thing I can come up with is that I discovered I'm not as much of a fan of stingy-pain as I am of thuddy-pain. 

So that slapper wasn't quite the Way to Ecstasy that I'd hoped it would be...

Things To Remember #27

This message brought to you courtesy of The Universe

Sofia & the Terrible, Horrible, Really Not That Bad Question

If you could be a character in a book, who would you be?

Hmmm…

Altho' there are a number of contenders for particular situations, I think that overall, if I must pick, I'd be Jaz Parks. I did, after all, choose my "inter-name" partially in tribute to her.

(She's not in a single book, however, but a series of eight. Does that still count?)

Jasmine "Jaz" Parks is a CIA operative in a contemporary world where mythical creatures are real. She and her extremely hot boss, Vayl, who just happens to be a vampire, are tasked with stopping paranormal criminals and their cohorts, supernatural or human.

See, if I were Jaz...

  I would be a kick-ass redhead who looks great in black leather, so I would be hawt.

  I would also have a slightly troubled past, which means I would be interesting.

  I would get to travel all over the world and see many astonishing sights, all while having incredible adventures. (That I probably couldn't talk about -- but still, the inner me would know…)

  I would have a deep, profound, and unbreakable connection to someone (cuz fantasy, hello!) --  so I'd feel like I had somewhere I truly belonged.

  

Yes, I think I'd quite like being Jaz... 

(Bonus Round) I'll give you this question back:

-As a special treat, you are allowed to relive the happiest day of your life and the happiest week of your life…

Do they overlap?

Could you tell us what they would be?

The happiest day of my life was the one when I became an aunt. 

Not just from the joy of that single event, but the timing also coincided with a truly magical night of snow, wonder, love for the world, and that 'boundless possibilities for a perfect future just waiting to unfold' that you can only fully experience at 18…

The happiest week of my life was spent with SP.

It was first love and discovery and laughter and finally feeling "right".

It was my first (and longest) experience with perfect happiness -- and I don't think you ever forget those, do you?

Bolstering, SP-style

SP: How are you? -- that's the question

Jz: I'll get there - one always does

SP: spoken like a somewhat weary legionnaire

Jz: well yeah, I'm pretty darned unhappy

Jz: dispirited, disillusioned, fed up, lonely…

Jz: but this is life - we can't all live the dream, right?

SP: I wish there was something concrete I could do for you, 

       but that is as unrealistic as saying "I'll go to the bathroom for you"

 Jz: How 'bout we just say I appreciate the thought and stop at that…? ;-p

'nilla and The Yummy Man Q

"I have a thing (a serious thing) for bald men...(I think it goes back to Yul Brynner) What is your "instant, immediate OMG yummy man" thing?"

You know, it's funny. 

Many a friend has gone mad trying to figure that out…

I'm not going to lie, there are certainly features and physiques that strike me as hot from time to time -- just not very often. (Remember, Non-Carnal Woman here…) But the thing is, they don't tend to have any one feature in common. (With the possible exception of that "intriguing intersection of delts, triceps and biceps" referenced above.)

I never really spent too much time thinking about it -- after all, when you're inside your own head, you don't need to narrow it down, you just know it's happening or it's not, right?

But at least one of my friends couldn't let it go. It bugged her and by golly, she was going to figure it out! And she finally did, altho' it took her six years.

So I think I will answer your question with her words.

I had just introduced her to a guy I had the serious hots for (and I do mean serious -- this man could make me come with nothing but three words over a phone line -- but I digress...) 

So, she came bounding up to me afterwards and proclaimed, 

     "I Have Finally Figured It Out!!" (:insert lilts and trills:)

"Great!!! … what are you talking about?"

"I have never been able to figure out what it is that you find attractive in a guy. It made me crazy, because none of them seem to have a thing in common. But meeting John, I finally spotted what is it. It's not a physical attribute, it's a look in the eye. I don't know that I can describe it to you better than that, but the point is, I Can See It Now!!!" (:more lilts and trills:)

    And she danced triumphantly away.

As she should, because she had nailed it.

However, having given that not-entirely-helpful and suspiciously lofty, "oh, it's not the physical that draws me" response to your question, miz 'nilla…

Once you've met them and gotten to the point where a little clothes-shucking is in order…?

Something like this never goes amiss.  (;-p)

(I really don't care for an excess of brawn -- I much prefer the look of a body that works to that of one that simply works out. But that play of muscle beneath the skin while he's doing ordinary, everyday things…? Yum!)

I Accomplish Something

So, I got my butt in gear this morning and finally did a task that I've been putting off for ages.

It had a very high nuisance factor and was driven only by personal comfort, nothing to do with safety or aesthetics - so I've totally been stalling over it.

But it's done now.

The multitude of tools are put away, all stray pointy bits of metal accounted for, spurting fingers disinfected and bandaged, blood scrubbed out of the carpet…

Really, a very successful morning.

Except for the fact that I now have "Blood on the Saddle" looping through my head...

     and a niggling desire to go to DisneyWorld.

Otherwise, things are great!! :-D

Lil Grills Me About Food

"Favorite food? Oh yea, and can I have the recipe?"

Crud.

This is like picking one favorite book.

Anyone who knows me (or has even ever just seen me) can tell you, I love food.

All kinds of food.

If you asked me this question at another time, I might have a different answer but…

I think I'll go with my favorite comfort food… mashed potatoes.

Plain, or with grated cheese and peas (whole!) mixed in, this is probably the one thing I could eat the most repeatedly without growing tired of it.

(My black-bottomed banana cream pie is pretty good too, tho'…)

         No! Stop thinking, Jz! 

Mashed Potatoes it is!

"I'm coming over, what's for dinner, and can I have the recipe?"

Hmmmmm… I'll steal from you.

     Here are your (seasonally dependent) choices, lil:

scalloped potatoes with ham (one-dish thing)

chicken and dumplings

grilled steak with garlic spice rub and mustard-caper sauce, with corn on the cob and herb-marinated, home-grown tomato slices

Spicy Moroccan cous-cous (includes sausage, spinach, carrots, and raisins)

Panzanella

Pulled Pork sandwiches (with slaw)

shrimp, asparagus, and white bean spinach salad

     (which would mean it's spring, so that would be followed by...)

rhubarb pie

oh... and there will, of course, be coffee.  :-D

(all choices friend-tested and approved)

Now, you tell me what we've having!
(decisions first, recipes later!)

Happy Vernal Equinox!

A Question of Kink

The second question from kaya:

Do you wish you weren't kinky?

Absolutely not.

I wish I weren't impatient, snappish, persnickety, short-tempered, and brusque.

Those are traits that get between me and how I'd like to connect with people.

Kinky, however, doesn't impact anyone else, it's just another piece to the jigsaw puzzle that is me. I see it as neutral, neither a pro nor a con in the evaluation of my personhood. I don't have moral qualms about it and, as I've mentioned before, it's never had any labels or judgements applied to it -- it's really "just a thing."

That said, however…

If I ever decide to leave my celibate cave again, kink will be an additional factor in the already complicated equation for "Meeting Someone."

I'm an unmarried, childless, intimidatingly pointy-headed, non-drinking, non-sports-loving woman. It can be very hard, in my little family-oriented region, to find men with a lot of commonalities or shared interests. (A love of beer and football would make me FAR more appealing as "a nice girl to hang out with…")

When you toss kink into the mix, particularly my Weenie Girl style of submission…? 

As SP says, "Man, when you go into the niche in the niche of the niche, how do you ever meet the right person, if not by sheer dumb luck?"

Good question.

Certainly, it would be simpler to have at least one niche removed…

But I'm not now, nor ever have been, interested in being anything but myself.

I found great fulfillment in exploring the kinky facet of my personality and it's nothing I would ever regret or wish away, even if it does reside forevermore under the aegis of "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt..."

TMI Tuesday - Consumer Satisfaction

I'd promised myself that I would play along on the next TMI Tuesday that wasn't too salacious and didn't make me cry. -- I think this fits the bill nicely!  :-D

1. Name a category for which you are very fussy and only one product will do. Name the product.

    I'll give you a hint:

2. Name a category for which you are fussy about quality and buy top-of-the-line brands.

    cotton swabs

I have yet to find a single Q-tips substitute which doesn't scrape the beejeepers out of my ears.

3. Name a category for which you are most interested in price, and will buy whatever brand is cheapest.

    dryer sheets

(I'll always go for the cheapest among the brands that I like -- in any category -- but at the moment, this is the only thing I can think of where I'll buy any brand…)

     
4. Name a category for which you are unable to find a satisfactory product.

    A good rust remover.

(anyone? Bueller? Bueller?)

5. Name a product that has disappeared from the market for which you have been unable to find a satisfactory substitute.

    Clear henna

I may be the only one in the world that remembers the stuff, but you used to be able to buy a henna-based hair treatment that didn't add color, just a ton of shine and body - plus left your hair smelling GREAT! (As opposed to the "decaying spinach" aroma of real henna…)

6. Name a product that you buy that your mother or father used to buy.

    Crisco

I'd use it in any event, but I also consider my purchases to be vindication of my mother's genius... I've got copies of letters that she wrote to the company in the late 1950's, suggesting they sell it in sticks, like butter. (Only took 'em how long??)

Clearly, a woman ahead of her time...

7. Name a product that you won’t buy because your mother or father used to buy it.

    Absorbine Jr.

Not because it's a bad product, but my dad used it a LOT in his declining years and the smell triggers unhappy memories.

8. Name a product that is over-rated.

    coconut water

seriously…

I was supposed to name something under-rated as well, but even tho' I can sense the movements of many thoughts jumping up and down in the back of my mind and crying out, "oooo! me! pick me!" -- I'm drawing a complete blank.

So that's what I'll leave here. 

 _________________

     

:-)

Sofia's Fantasy Q's

(SP refers to this kind of question as "hellish", because there really is no single good answer. But I have done my best, miz sofia.)

If you could take a vacation anywhere in the world, where would you go and what would you do?

This, as you may imagine, is a nearly impossible decision.

I have dreams of going to Florence and losing myself in the art and architecture of the city. (It's that whole Renaissance thing…)

Paris in the spring has always sounded like a fine idea…

I haven't spent nearly enough time in Scotland… I've been able to see many cool things but not to meet people and really get a feel for what it's like to live there…

I think Mongolia would be fascinating…

I really, really want to see the Perahera Elephant Parade in Kandy...

Pictures of the Taj Mahal are NOT an adequate substitute for actually being there…

I adore the Pacific Northwest -- I personally think that more of my life needs to be spent there, particularly in the San Juans. (The San Juans would probably be my answer to, "if you could live anywhere…")

But I suppose…

If I had to pick one place…

(really? just one???)

I think I'd choose New Zealand.

I'm quite interested in Polynesian cultures and would love to get a more upclose look at that of the Maori, plus the place just looks stinkin' GORJUS. You could experience a whole host of climates and landscapes, all in those few little islands.

It would be a "rent a car, and just follow my fancy" kind of trip.

(Oh, and I'd pick a route that would let me stop at Easter Island along the way. A friend went and his stories have left me quite taken with that idea, too…)

If you had a magic wand, what would be your first act of magic?

I'm afraid it wouldn't be anything at all noble and for the good of humanity.

Nope, I would be entirely mundane and selfish and *flick!* myself out of some very onerous financial obligations that I have. 

Then I would begin to work my way up from self-serving to philanthropic…

;-p

Inverting the Pervertible

Generally, in our little world, pervertibles are common household items that can be put to sexual use. Clothespins, hairbrushes, belts…, you know the stuff I mean.

But what is it called when you take things in the other direction?

Like, oh, say, shining your shoes with leftover silicone lube?

Was I Changed?

Petals Master wanted to know:

Do you think being in a TTWD relationship changed you in any way?

This is a bit tricky.
I was certainly different before to after -- but did I change or simply reveal?

Nor am I 100% certain if it was being in the relationship that made the difference, or just coming to terms with the fact that I am, whether active or no, a submissive pain slut.

Before my submissive "Eureka!" moment, I'd always felt a bit like a person with two or three items more than the grocery bag can hold -- you know how you end up juggling those items back and forth, arm to arm, trying to find the place that's comfortable to hold them…?

It may not be exactly heavy or arduous, but you're never really at rest, either.  

The initial realization that I was drawn toward submission forced me (if I may extend the metaphor) to see that, really, I probably just needed a bigger bag. Once I got that, everything fit with ease.

Finding and entering into a TTWD relationship then enhanced the confidence of that acceptance. It was like getting home and putting the groceries away where they belong. Nothing needed carrying anymore, everything was now in it's proper place.

At the risk of repeating myself (from last year's Q&A, actually!) ... when I settled into my submission, I settled into myself and became more wholly me. … I didn't change, I became realized.

And that is a difference that I can take forward with me, even if I never venture so much as a toe in anything wet again.

"Wheeeeeeee!!"

Still Working Through the Q's

(don't worry, I'll get to them all before the end of the month - I'm just spreading 'em out and mixing 'em up!)

Today, I tackle a couple from 'nilla.

Are you at all a sci-fi geek? Like ...star trek? (don't worry, I'll still like you.)

Ummmm,… well,…

If I say I still have a life-size poster of Spock on the back of what was my childhood bedroom door, and that there's a free-standing lifesize cut-out of Ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi in the rec room, would that suggest what my answer will be?

Those facts might be a smidge misleading, though. Because I'm not a full-blown sci-fi geek. 

I don't care for most fantasy and an awful lot of sci-fi doesn't strike the right note. Much of the genre simply misses it's mark with me, altho' there are always exceptions. But, for example, (sorry miss 'nilla,) I read your Heinlein and didn't particularly care for it...

Sci Fi shows do a little better, but are still hit or miss.

   I am a Trekkie, it's true, but only for the shows that took place on The Enterprise. 

   Didn't care for Deep Space Nine…

   Didn't like Battlestar Galactica, or Babylon 5.

   I've only enjoyed one of the Doctors Who (not that I've caught all, but of the few I have...)

   But I did like Farscape … X-Files … Quantum Leap … and yeah, there are more.

So maybe my answer should be... geek in training?

(one of the very few areas where I haven't achieved mastery already...!)  

:-p

Rope or chains to be secured with?

My first inclination is to trip over my own tongue in the rush to blurt out "rope, rope, ROPE!!"

But in fairness, I've never been in chains. Or anything metal, for that matter.

BG is (I will not say "was" - he's not dead, only our relationship is...) heavily into rope. 

(Actually, maybe I should say "was" -- all his rope is at my house now....)

But anyhow, I was absolutely fine with that -- I wrote a post way, way back that actually touches on my dislike of metal (amongst other issues discussed.)

I am more of an organic material girl - how things feel is very important to me and I'm really not keen on the feel of metal. It's cold and foreign and offputting and makes my teeth ache.

And, while I understand that we're not necessarily meant to enjoy all the sensations while in restraint, (certainly there are a lot of things we all say we "hate") the thought of being restrained by metal is sufficiently off-putting to me that it would actually make me more than willing to bypass this scene, thank you very much.

Whereas rope manages to both sting and caress at the same time.

My body welcomes it, and the sensations it brings, even if some of them are not entirely enjoyable in and of themselves. With rope, I'm still happily complicit in my own discomfort…

As I say, however, I've never actually experienced metal.

(If I discover in my next life that I actually like it, I'll try to send you a message, how's that?)

;-p

Poinsettia Update

Hedone wondered how the poinsettias are doing…

Well, I have set them outside. 

(I'm calling this "hardening them off")

The first night was 18º. (That's -7.78º C for you metricians among us)

I'm not sure what night number two dropped to, but there was visible icy frost on the leaves the next morning.

Still, I haven't managed to inflict anything worse than to render them a bit droop-ish. These suckers are tenacity defined.

I do not know whether to scream, hit them with a large gardening implement, or just steep a tea from the leaves and hope it imbues me with their resiliency…

This Q's on Blogging

The next question comes courtesy of mouse:

Do you ever worry about being misunderstood in your blog?

Oh, glory, yes!

For someone who is as taken with words as I am, I have a terrible track record with using them to communicate effectively. 

Even in face-to-face conversations, with sight and hearing to help me evaluate as I go, I struggle to fit my words into the parameters of other people's filters. In the written format, this is eighty-six times more challenging…

  You have to worry about clarity - have I used the right words to accurately convey my meaning.

  You have to worry about conciseness - because nothing causes people to stop following your train of thought quicker than the long, disjointed ramble.

  You have to try to step outside that framework of knowing what it is you mean and judge if the leaps that seem obvious to you can reasonably be followed by anyone NOT inside your head...

  Tone is a consideration.

  Awareness of your audience is another…

(it all sounds horribly deliberate, doesn't it? But, just as with speaking, you don't review those things in any kind of deliberate, conscious way, you just sort of do it.)

Even with all that, however, I don't really mind if any resultant misunderstanding is simply a case of people drawing the wrong conclusion or writing me off as a babbling fool. I might get a bit frustrated at my failure to communicate but that's hardly the end of the world.

What I really don't want to do though, is to make anyone feel attacked in any way.

But that can be hard when you're writing publicly for people you don't know -- and who really don't know you, either. 

Instead, it's only too easy to step on a toe you never saw and create bad feelings that you never intended. People who feel attacked can't always distinguish between, "I disagree with this thing you believe" and "I think this belief makes you a lousy excuse for a human."

That's never what I mean my words to convey.

But my biggest worry is that they might.

It Took A Second

but then I got it... 

              and laughed VERY hard...

I want this shirt.

(And I'm claiming ten points for avoiding the temptation to use "hooted"...)

;-p

gg wonders about... the young Jz

OK, that emotional regurgitation safely behind us, we move on…

gg wanted to know:

Do you think/remember any experiences or feelings from your childhood or teen years that you would, in hindsight, think may have been hints at your personal kinks?

My first reaction is to say that the incredibly uninteresting answer is "no."

I don't have any memories of, say, always wanting to be the heroine tied to the tree, or any of the other pervertible childhood games that submissives sometimes mention as "their first clue." I was too bossy to enjoy being told what to do, and I fell down far too often to find pain titillating...

I was actually a fairly good child, overall. Mischievous, yes, but deliberately naughty, no.
I found no thrill in doing things that would get me in trouble, just for the sake of saying I had. I didn't experiment in my teen years, my rebellions were fairly tame, and sexually, I was never tempted past first base -- not that I had tons of opportunities -- but there were sufficient that I could have been an unhappy statistic had I been cut from a different cloth.

But if I look a bit deeper, I'm not quite so sure if "no" is an entirely accurate answer.

Because I was excited by naughty stuff - just not interested in getting in trouble for it - and that mysterious world of "sex" seemed to be the place where naughty was allowed. 

(My parents never felt the need to scare us away from sex, so it wasn't an evil place.)

Rather, I seem to have formulated a vision of the sexual arena as kind of a big holding-pen, where all the tingly stuff got filed, without any judgement passed on whether the tingles were "right" or "wrong"; "good" or "bad"... They were just there to be rummaged through as the mood hit.

I'm not sure if that makes sense, but I guess the best way to explain what I mean it is that, when I got together with SP, nothing he said, did, suggested, or teased about made me think, "Oh, heavens, no!" 

It didn't always make me go "ooooh, baby-baby", but I never found any of it shocking or off-putting, either. (And you may be certain, that man has a soaring imagination -- there wasn't much kink that went unsuggested...)

So even if there wasn't a concrete "hint", there was a sort of mind-set that seems to have existed all along…

Dolor-Sub-Rosa

Before I move on to answering the kinky questions, I need to put something out there.

Here's the deal:

As might be expected, I'm suffering the common after-effects of a break-up: hurt, sadness, lowered self-esteem, anger, resolve to never put myself through this ever again, thank you very much… the whole nine yards.

This time, however, I'm finding my post-breakup struggles to be even more arduous than usual, because BG & I didn't "break up"… Rather, he dropped our relationship - a way that was both cowardly and cruel.

His choice of actions made it pretty obvious that he didn't actually consider me to be "his slut" (in that wonderful, desired, possessive sense of the phrase) but simply "a slut" -- as in, some easily available, drive-thru fuckmeat on offer.

I was apparently nothing to him but two tits, three orifices, and a willingness not to call the cops.

    It denigrated me and everything we'd done together.

    It denigrated my submission.

    It tainted my views on dominance.

And I'm furious.

At myself -- for not seeing it, 

                -- for believing in him.

At him -- for allowing, even encouraging, my obliviousness 

           -- for ruining the joy I'd found in submission.

And at… what? I'm not even sure. 

          Dominance? Submission? Life? The fantasy of it all?

Whatever. I can't pin it down yet.

All I know for sure at this moment is that:

  A- I can't stand the thought of intimacy again,

  B- Even thinking of being dominated again infuriates me,

       and 

  C- I am an idiot.

No, I haven't forgotten how wonderful it felt to be Slut Beneath The Table. 

But I no longer trust that there was anything more to that than the fantasy in my head.

I've lost my faith-

  In him, in men, in D/s, but most importantly, in myself.

Those may come back, I do realize that.

(At least, the men and D/s parts. I will get over being angry at him and those feathers will unruffle. Trusting myself again, however…? I'm not so sure about that one. I failed myself big time on this. We'll have to wait and see…)

In the meantime, though, I'm nothing more than one very large bundle of conflicting emotions. (Because, did I mention, angry as I am, I also haven't yet stopped missing and caring about him?)

Say it with me…

"I-D-I-O-T"

Anyhow, the moral of this whole ridiculous story is…

Well, there is none.

I guess I just wanted to tell you.

Maybe ask you to bear with me if my tone seems off at times...

(And yes, I'm taking the chicken-shit route and turning off comments. This was informational only.)

Kaya & Lil Try To Pin Me Down

(Only one succeeds, however...)

First, kaya wanted to know:

If you could sum up your life in one famous quote or one song lyric, what would it be?

This sounds so easy... until you get thinking and realize it's actually a pretty nasty question.
"One, Jz... just one..."
So I thought and hemmed and hummed for quite some time -- until at last I recalled this:

"I'm learning to fly, but I ain't got wings"

(thank you for saving me, Tom Petty!)

Then lil asked:

Favorite book of all time?

No, really, this is too much!

You can't pick five for me and I have to select one for you?? 

Well, I'll just fix your little red wagon… 
Here... I have Categorized!!!  HaHa!!

  --for "pushes all my buttons" enjoyment, "O Jerusalem" (Laurie R. King)

  --for atmospheric historical mystery, "Fever Season" (Barbara Hambly)

  --for elegant, understated prose, "Persuasion" (Jane Austen)

  --for sheer wordsmithing genius, "The Papers of Samuel Marchbanks" (Robertson Davies)

  --for grand adventure and romance, "Outlander" (Diana Gabaldon)

  --for steamy sex, "Sin City" (Lacey Alexander)

  --for deep thought thinking, "Self-Reliance" (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

  --for being wowed by human inventiveness, "The Discoverers" (Daniel Boorstin)

  --for curing insomnia, "The Republic" (Plato)

  --for laughing myself silly, "Fillets of Plaice" (Gerald Durrell)