A Holiday Visit From SP

In Which He Writes a Guest Post For Me!
(Even if I do kinda want to kick him in the shins for his topic of choice.) 
Nonetheless, a deal's a deal, so here we go...

Christmas 2019

Jz in the Concert of Angels

of Ferrari Gaudenzio

We all have read that our dear Jz is experiencing a very busy Yuletide this year with some unplanned events. In this guest blog I will allude to some of that even if I must remain somewhat restrained by Jz.  It is only fair after all that she has some sort of a turn and on top of that role reversal is a time-honored Christmas tradition.

Allow me first to provide a brief historic context.

Here is a paraphrase (not a transcript ha ha) of an interchange between Jz and me that took place a few years ago.

Jz:        Won’t you write a guest entrance for my blog?

Me:      I could, maybe, do you intend me to address some of our kinkier explorations?

Jz:        Well of course, what else would I expect from you, sp?

(note: sp is an abbreviation of the terms she uses to address me, particularly when she wants something from me. Actually, it does not stand for “scholarly professor”, that is just a ruse in her blog)

Me:      Let me think. I don’t know when I would get around to it.

Jz:        Ok, no pressure but… - Here follow some of Jz’s specialties, such as, fluttering of eyelids, encouraging high pitched sounds and a suggestive waving and undulating of lovely body parts.

(As an aside I wish to establish clearly that Jz, who in her blog tends to speak with some dissatisfaction about her physical appearance, is actually built in delightful curvy-bodied loveliness all supported by long shapely legs and a loose-jointed easy gracefulness in movement. How is that for some objectifying observations?  But I maintain that faithful readers have a right to glimpse at least that much.)

Some years went by in which the guest blog was occasionally mentioned but never did materialize. Jz indeed did not pressure about it but skillfully nurtured and sustained a slight tinge of guilt in me.

Now let’s jump to the present day.  Jz and I were talking about events during the fortuitous Christmassy meeting between herself, her Beau and me.  In this encounter we hit it off swimmingly well between the three of us with Sweet Jz to her vociferous delight stuck in the middle, very stuck at times.

So, our conversation only hours ago:

Me:      Now there is my guest blog! I could write about that.

Jz:        Don’t you dare.

Me:      I would really like to write about that.

Jz:        Don’t you dare.

Me:      Why this reluctance and monotony in your retort? You said, and I also remember in your blog…

Jz:        Yes, sure, but this one, I don’t know.

Me:      So, I really can’t mention those lovely glowing red marks across the white of your…

Jz:        Stop!!

Me:      Or you writhing on the floor while Beau and I …

Jz:        You heard me!  Oh well, do as you please, send it to me and I will post it; maybe.

Thus, dear reader, it came to pass that I gave in to her laments and I will not mention any of that. I must be getting too lenient with the years.  Instead, I decided to give you an image, appropriate for season and events.  Isn’t that supposed to say more than a thousand words?

With that and a loving kiss for adorable Jz the Angelic, I take my leave.

Blessed Yule to all.

I Laughed Until I Cried

In a most timely stroke of serendipity (I have no time to compose anything at the moment -- VERY busy weekend here,) I just received permission to publish this.

So once again, A Post Cribbed From SP.  :-)

"The Statement" was nothing but a little email joke that I forwarded along to him.

I'd expected that he would just laugh and agree. 

(Silly, silly Jz...)

It was hours before I was done wiping tears of laughter from my eyes.

Hope you guys like it even half as much...

The Statement:

SP's Rebuttal: 

“Nice, but I don't know if I can accept the first statement as axioma.  If we go with axiomatic statements I could just as easily say that: girls=time+money

Now, if BOTH statements are correct, it would mean that time and money both are two which would makes girls and "all evil" four  --  assuming that the saying "money is the root of all evil", refers to a square root.  (Does this mean that "girls" need to be in groups of exactly or at least four to reach the level of "all evil"?)

However if the only true statement is:

     girls = money + time

we get:

     girls - sqrt(all evil) =time

or, of course:

     girls - time= sqrt(all evil)

The first conclusion seeming to indicate that life is bloody boring without girls who aren't at least a little naughty.

The second one seeming to indicate that not spending time with girls leads to discontented misbehavior, possibly even petty crime.

In this formulation it actually doesn't matter if it is a square or cubic or whatever root.

So, the "+" statement is preferable because it is more in sync with reality as can be observed and the issue of the root has been rendered unimportant. 

We learn from this, at least from my perspective: 

1) girls should be taught from early on that some evil is very good (if not even yummy)

2) guys need to spend time with girls

3) then there will be happiness and peace all over this world

There, once again I have resolved all problems and have created a simple and attractive path to world peace.

All I charge for this tremendous service is: one (1) eurocent per person presently living, and one (1) eurocent from every new-born until my death. I am not a greedy person."

*****************************

(I wanted to exercise my editorial prerogative and add in "And a Nobel Prize" between the last two sentences, to keep a certain continuity of theme going, but I was asked not to. He wasn't at all sure, "that such a simple equation is really Nobel worthy ... plus, [he'd] rather have the money.")

And Now For Something Completely Different (guest post)

SP graciously agreed to my suggestion that he do a guest post.

"But what shall I write about?" he asked.

"Anything you feel like..."

He took me at at my word (as well he should.) I like the the change of scenery and hope you do, too. So, without further ado, I give you: 

IN THE LAND OF INFINITE CORRECTNESS

Things you have to know:

Infinite Correctness, another term for what in a seminal South Park episode was referred to as “Where People’s Shit Don’t Stink”.

Elephant Pharmacy, a now defunct pharmacy at the foot of  the Berkeley Hills where one could go for a quick, on the spot chakra cleansing and where every product label contained a word like “organic”, “holistic”, “macrobiotic”,  or “ayurvedic”.

     The Berkeley Hills rise on the east side of San Francisco Bay, facing the Golden Gate.  The moist west winds, coming straight through the Gate, are forced up against the hills, releasing rain in winter and moist fog that is caught and brought down by majestic redwoods in summer.  Things grow very well here and in great variety.  Also, UC Berkeley is partly in this area.  All of this has led to a large neighborhood with a funky living atmosphere, where eccentrics are still common. 
      As the neighborhood matured, the laws of real estate took their inexorable course so that when an eccentric dies nowadays, her heirs will put grandma’s “classic North Berkeley fixer-upper with rustic outhouse and Golden Gate view, waiting for an infusion of good taste” on the market for no less than five hundred thousand American dollars.  The recent market crush has done little to the area which remains highly popular with those who can afford to express their Infinite Correctness in the comfort of cash.
      Many enjoy gardening, competing in the growing of all kinds of delicious fruits and vegetables some of them common, some of them exotic, some of them illegal.  The deer living in the large nature area (Tilden Park) right behind the neighborhood have been quick to find out that many things they love to munch on are produced in copious amounts through sustained efforts with the best of organic soils and fertilizers.  At first it was cute to see a deer or maybe three.  Then they started to really ravish the gardens and cause ugly traffic accidents at night.  Something should be done.
      Now, one can’t give out hunting licenses willy nilly in such a densely populated area.  So, at social gatherings I would suggest to the People of Infinite Correctness that they hire qualified wild life control specialists who could cull the deer population, in this case especially shooting the does to diminish proliferation.  Also, the meat could be distributed to the soup kitchens serving the needs of the many homeless and hungry people in and around the area.  It would seem what is called a winwin situation.  The People of Infinite Correctness would stare at me, the Bambi killer, with more hatred than they can muster for your average Unabomber or parentally/socially misguided terrorist.  The rest of the evening I would have an invisible do-not-cross line three feet around me  --  okay with me, because the PICs compete in pouring excellent wine and I can be obnoxious across far more than three feet.^(NB)  Anyway, the deer now parade in groups of four and more through the streets in broad daylight and give you no more than an insolent eye when you try to stop them from eating your precious roses.
      The natural predator that should control the deer population is of course the mountain lion, but they are very reclusive animals who avoid people as much as possible.  They don’t come down from the park.
     Until finally, one brave - or hungry - mountain lion could no longer resist the veritable candy land of venison and came into the neighborhood, feasting on bambies and an occasional pet.  This dangerous situation created an uproar because the predator could easily snitch a juicy three year old right out of his Toddlers’ Yoga in the Yard class.
     When the animal was sighted again, the police was called.  The officers shot and killed him.
     At the bottom of the hills, in the parking lot of the defunct Elephant Pharmacy, the People of Infinite Correctness held a memorial service and candle vigil for the mountain lion.                 

^(NB)which I can personally attest to, after 29 years of transatlantic amour and cross-continental friendship  -Jz