So here we are at round…, what? I've lost count.
I’m skipping the details - you don’t need them and they’re not all mine to share, anyhow.
Suffice it to say that there was something going on when BG & I broke up, he’d just put off telling me until it was too late and everything had turned into a big hairball. So I never got the scoop until a month ago. Once we got the past straightened out, we started to discuss the possibility of salvaging the relationship.
Idiotic tho' it may sound, after a month of negotiation and internal debate, I've decided to give it a shot. I missed him too badly, right up to the day he called, to not. The situation is still far from perfect, yet with eyes wide open, I'm choosing to pursue an imperfect “with him” rather than one without. Although we are moving forward, however, it’s still in the probationary period, so I’m going to wait and see if it actually takes before I start sharing stories.
Yet I know that without details or stories, it can be tough to get a feel for situations so, in the hope of reassuring you all that I haven’t completely lost every last one of my marbles, let me offer up the responses of those who know me best:
SP, whose first concern was that I “be careful with [my]self” has grilled me to within an inch of my life during the entire negotiation stage… and is now satisfied that I am going into this with the proper attitude of “getting what I want - from BG and from life.” He has begun to actively urge me forward and is now eagerly anticipating prurient details. (Because that’s how he rolls.)
BookMan (who knows about the dynamic) just smacked his head and said, “Oh, man! There is NOTHING more frustrating that someone doing something that makes you angry - except they do it for such a principled reason that you can’t be angry.” We talked through my thoughts and, while I wouldn’t use the words "urging me forward" to describe his stance, he has expressed understanding and support... and absolutely no desire whatsoever to hear prurient details.
Thelma (who also knows) was a slightly tougher nut. Our friendship only revived after the latest split, so she never heard any stories of the good times. All she knows is that he hurt me and that her friends shouldn't be with people who do that. “I don’t like him”, she declared emphatically - and then peppered me with questions about his behavior. Disgruntled by my answers, she was reduced to pursing her lips, staring off into the middle distance, and muttering, “I don’t want to like him…”
The discussion ended with her saying that she understood why I was moving ahead and that it was probably a good decision for right now… but that her new Mission in Life has become to find me a replacement hot, available 60-year old man. (And then mumbled under her breath as she walked away, “Altho’ just where I’m supposed to find one of those…”)
It was Tiny Woman (who does not know) who was the big surprise, however. She’s a lot more pragmatic than I am, much more of a “over and done with, dust your hands off, and move on” kind of gal. So you could have knocked me over with a feather when her initial response to, “Here’s how things stand…” was, “Wow. That’s a tough one. I don’t know what I’d decide either, I really don’t…”
All of which left me feeling wonderfully supported.
Altho’ I will admit to a good 2-3 minutes of struggling to control my face when Tiny Woman insisted, “You make him toe the line!” {*oh yeah, that’ll work*}
I got around the difficulty with a little judicious rephrasing, however. “That’s a bit controlling… How about we say I will continue to be firm about what I need…?”
Compromise accepted. :-)
So now we wait and see...
