Hurricane Zen

"If a transformer explodes before your eyes, does it make a noise?"

Yes.
Sparks and smoke, too.
(Don't ask me how I know this...)

"If hundreds of thousands in your area have no power, who gets it back first?"

Not the twitching woman with the sizzling transformer.
(Don't ask me how I know this, either...)

Back when I can, all!

A Sticky Wicket

Here's a question...
(OK, a bunch, actually.)

It's BDSM, right?
That means -- according to standard definitions and the way most of us like to live it -- open and honest communication.
I don't lie to him, he doesn't lie to me.

But...

What happens when his version of truth and mine are not the same?
When he doesn't like my truth and I cannot see his?
When I am told not to let him hear me saying that again?

I can do it, of course.
I can muzzle my truth -- voicing only his.
It's all subjective, after all.

But if I don't believe those words, isn't that encouraging me to lie?

Will forbidding my words make this one truth go away? Or will it take all of them with it?

Does lip service actually serve as honesty just because the words sound right to the listener?

Is there no way to accommodate his truth without invalidating my own?

Yeah, that's way more than one question, isn't it?

(Disclaimer in case anyone just saw a red flag, this isn't anything happening with BG.  But it IS something I've stumbled over in the past -- and have wanted to write about for a while. It just took time to find the words.)

I Actually Doubt the Universe Cares, But...

It's TMI Tuesday...
"What The Universe Needs To Know About You"

1. When you go to a party, would you rather show up accidentally underdressed or overdressed?
        Underdressed. That way everyone still knows it's me...

2. What is something you have won and how did you win it?
        Free airline tickets.
        Won them by being the top fundraiser for a charity.

3. Do you squeeze the toothpaste from the middle, end, or top?
        The end-- with occasionally bad aim.

4. What is something your parents used to say to you that you promised yourself you would never say–but now you catch yourself saying frequently?
        Can't think of any phrase but I DO hum like my Dad when mischief is afoot.

5. What 3 lies did you regularly tell your parents?
        Gad, I'm such a weenie. I really didn't lie much...
        OH, WAIT!!...
        "My homework's all done."
        I used that one an AWFUL lot...

6. What is something that you intended to do today but didn’t?
        Get over myself.
        Progress was made but this particular one is going to take a few...

7. What is something that people do in traffic that really bothers you?
        Tailgating and people cutting in front of me too closely.

8. Whose autographs have you collected?
        Sweet Fanny Adams
        ;-p

*phooey*

Some days it would be much, MUCH easier to inhabit someone else's body.

Anyone wanna trade??

Learning Curve

BG remarked to me the other day that I really have learned to submit and truly enjoy the bondage, and mentioned all the things he does now that I would never have withstood early on.

My first thought was, "Well, that's because I trust you."

But I realized that that's not strictly correct -- because I have always trusted him. Right from the very start, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind that I was completely safe in his hands. Yes, we've grown and learned about each other but that hasn't changed the level of trust I feel for him. It's hard to increase absolute.

Then it occurred to me what the difference is.
Through my relationship with him, I am learning to trust me.

I can trust myself to open up.
I can trust myself to cope.
I can trust myself to let go.
I can trust myself to give what he wants.

I think this is the change that makes it possible for SP to say, "allowing yourself to be "abused" is actually clearly boosting your confidence."

It is, yes. But not due to the externals.
It's my faith in myself that's making the difference.

Open Mouth, Insert ...

So yesterday, for the first time, I was gagged.

(I'll just pause here a minute to give everyone the chance to get all the "Finally!" "'Bout time!" and "What took him so long??"s out of your systems…)

:plays Jeopardy music:

OK, done?
Thank you.

Anyhow, I was totally floored by this. It's not anything that has come into play before and as a long-time TMJ sufferer, you can believe it has never appeared on my wish list.
However, that piece of t-shirt he had ripped off me was apparently too much temptation for him, cuz in it went!

"nhrrhOOOoooo!"
"W-i-i-i-d-e-e-r…"
*stuff, stuff, stuff*

He asked afterwards how I'd liked the gag.
I was honest, said it was ...ok..., but noted that my jaw was hurting a lot (he achieved a VERY ambitious agenda yesterday, this man) and maybe without that, I could have gotten more into it.

But did I stop there??
Oh, no.
Verbose Girl just HAD to keep talking.
"I'm just really glad it was fabric, not a ball gag. I look at those things and cringe visibly..."

The Evil Grin appeared.
"Oh, reeaally?..."

(*Shit! shit, shit, shit!*)

"... I'm going to keep that in mind..."

Anybody got another piece of torn t-shirt hanging around? 
I think I need it...

The Trick

BG has this trick.
I'm not sure it's strictly a Dominant trick but the only other person I've met who has it (or been able to use it on me, at least) is SP, so I do have to wonder sometimes.
Nor am I sure I can explain it to you properly...

Part of it is acceptance.
Like most people on earth, I am still a work in progress. There are realities about me that have to be dealt with, like them or not.
And he does.
Baggage, quirks, and mortifying factoids, he takes them all in stride, with no hesitations.

But it's how he accepts them that is the most striking to me.
His acceptance is totally without cost to me.
I'm never made to feel embarrassed, defensive, or beholden by it.
Not that those feelings are supposed to accompany acceptance but that's not how it always happens in real life. Too often, you end up being made to feel that the other person is doing you a huge favor by taking you as you are. (And do, please, remember this!)
BG does none of that.
He just says, "OK, we can handle that" -- and never mentions it again.

Some of this ability might, I think, have it's roots in his dominance. A good Dom is always paying attention, whether he appears to be or not. So doms generally learn to read people, particularly their subs, that little bit better than the average bear.
Which seems to give them a knack for just knowing.
Which is the other part of what BG does...

He knows just how far my patience can be stretched before it snaps,
He knows how to curtail behavior he dislikes,
He knows how to stop me from spiraling into a vortex of behavior I dislike,
...and he does all this using nothing but his common sense, judgment and words.

I've been reading a lot of thoughts lately by people who seem to feel that punishment is an integral part of D/s. While I don't question the right of the dominant to correct the sub, I do find myself on a different side of the fence in that discussion. Because I know from experience that correction does not have to come through punishment, or even through praise. Both are effective tools for many relationships, I understand. But they're not inevitable.

Sometimes, it's possible to control just by understanding.

And that way you get to save the fun physical stuff for playtime! :-)