What Is It About Rules?

Another hodgepodge of colliding thoughts...

Greengirl had a post a while back about her initial discomfiture over the fact that D/s the way she and her husband experience it didn't quite fit into the popular ideas of how this all works.

She got past it but her post made me start thinking about people's fixation on rules. It's an understandable obsession. Rules exist as a way for us to reach a goal. They create structure and procedure and protocol, and give us a starting point when we don't know where to begin.
The problem I see with rules, however, is that we often focus more on the formula than on the end goal.

For example - I was once whupping a friend at a strategy game. He got very frustrated, so I gave him a couple of tips. In the next game, he followed these "rules" to the letter. Well, I wiped the floor with him yet again. He literally pouted and said, "You said if I did this, I'd win!"
"No, I said those things could give you an advantage. You still have to pay attention to the situation." He was so focused on those tactics that he totally ignored what was happening on the board.

A didactic insistence on rules has the possibility to strangle the life and spontaneity out of a situation. Of course, depending on the given goal,  that may be exactly what you need. Many, many things should not be left up to individual interpretation. Nobody, after all, wants to drive where the rules of the road are "suggested". Rules do have their place in society.

But I think personal relationships call for personalized rules. (Or even better, let's call them guidelines.)  We are all individuals, so each couple (or whatever unit you function within) only needs to be accountable to "What Works For Us". Some relationships need a lot of rules and negotiations. Some require very few. What we need to remember is that the rules do not validate the relationship, the outcome does.

Especially when you start factoring in lifestyle involvements. Popular lore would have it that D/s is awash with rules and dicta, but to my mind, there are really only two that are universal: The sub sumbits, the dom takes care of the sub. Other than these, there are an infinite number of ways to reach an infinite number of goals. We are still individuals that come together to form unique relationships.
Your results may vary...

So, forget the obsession with external standards. They're self-defeating, unnecessary, and far too easy to fall into.
Far more useful, I think, to gloss over the letter of the law and focus on the intent...

Further Fortune Cookie Advice

"You may attend a party where strange customs prevail."
    Cool! My first munch!!
    Oh, right. They don't have 'em where I live...

"Your winsome smile will be your sure protection."
    How very nice! I'm not sure 'winsome' would have been my adjective of choice but I'll take it...

"A thrilling time is in your immediate future."
    Ooooh!  I shall unleash my inner Boy Scout and strive for preparedness at all times...

"If everyone around you is jumping out a window,
there may be a good reason."
    Ummmm, .... Taxi!

Decidedly- A Turn for the Better

OK, there are a couple of disclaimers before I embark on my tale of wonder and delight...

First, my decision itself did not miraculously change our situation overnight.
In fact, I spent Valentine's Day self-medicating with an excess of stroopwafels and mentally rehearsing the manner in which I would drop-kick him into next week.
The resulting spat, however, cleared the air. We expressed our frustrations from the last several months and gave ourselves a clean slate for moving on.

Second, my mindset was not the only factor that changed. Around the same time, BG resolved a couple of outside issues, which took a huge weight off of his shoulders. The timing was pure coincidence but I am not one to disparage serendipity.

However we got here, the fact remains that he's calmer and I'm calmer and we've both made some adjustments to how we handle our relationship.

He:
   -makes more effort to be in touch.
   -makes time for us more often.
   -stays in the moment with me rather than going into multi-processing mode.

I:
   -am actively avoiding borrowing trouble.
   -am learning to listen to what he says, not what I hear.
   -have stopped repressing my inner slut.
(Who has a voracious appetite for excessively well-ventilated clothing and knows how to use a credit card, may I just add.)

Now, I fully realize that we're still in flux and changes will continue.
Hell, I may have to muzzle the slut again for purely budgetary reasons.
But I am chuffed as anything at the fact that we've somehow finessed an improvement to what I thought was very much a static situation.
Despite thinking my choices were to get off the rollercoaster or remain patient, in the end, I've managed both.

Well, I say I've managed but it's really we've managed. That's the nicest part about the outcome - we each contributed. The changes aren't all mine or all his. With a little effort from both, we've made a significant difference to the tone of the relationship. It's calmer, more open, more playful.

Where will it lead?
No idea.
Am I enjoying the ride?
See Jz smile...

Decisions, Decisions...

Which picks up with me pondering the question of whether I should get off the rollercoaster or remain patient with BG...

It really did take quite a bit of thinking.

I thought about what I had known about his availability right from the start. I reminded myself that the HUGE 24-month project that consumes his time was more than two-thirds complete. (Cleverly, I met BG within a few short weeks of it's beginning. ) I repeated to myself, "The end IS in sight..."

I reflected on the reasons I'd entered into this relationship.

I thought about how very much I like him and how nothing of what he's actually doing is bad. He's not out cattin' around or home on his couch. He's putting in 12-18 hour days, spending time with his kids, and trying to keep up with life maintenance, two houses, and multiple cars on the weekends. While still trying to find his post-separation feet amid the chaos.

I also thought back to hellacious times in my life when I've been over-extended and recalled how even the bare minimum of effort often seemed impossible.

The end result was Decision Part One: We warranted a grace period.
One in which I would continue to roll with the situation until a couple of months after the Big Project is over. (We'll allow for a little recovery time, too...) Barring major changes by either party, we're a lock 'til then. At which point we'll revisit and regroup.
Fine.

But a funny thing happened while I was working out my mad at him.
As I picked apart the underpinnings of the relationship, I gradually became aware of how inconsistent my own behavior was, as well. I was telling him I would go with the flow but I wasn't letting go of my expectations, either. I know he has no more room on his plate right now and WISIWIG. I know it, I said it, I believed it. But I wasn't acting on it. I realized that I was just as responsible as he was for the rollercoaster. I could say "grace period" 'til I was blue in the face, but if I didn't change my mindset, the ride would remain the same.
Time to either shut up or start walking the walk.

Basically, it was the slut issue that was hanging me up. It can be really hard to drop your defenses and let the slut shine through when you want to be more than that.
I like being "My girlfriend, the slut."
I do NOT want to be, "This slut I'm fucking every fourth Wednesday." 
Reconciling that distinction in a relationship where he only has time for you every fourth Wednesday is tricky, however. I was so doggedly determined to maintain a balance between girlfriend and fucktoy that I ended up rigging my own scales.

Realistically, he's never been anything other than highly appreciative of me as a person. I'm not just the fucktoy ... but he expresses that in his own terms, not mine. I need to learn how to hear what he's saying, not wait for him to use my magic words.

That resistance to slut-hood hampered me in another way, as well. Even though I adore being his fucktoy, I was holding back. Not during scenes but at all other times. I wouldn't let S-girl come out and play. She couldn't instigate naughty cyber-playfulness, or indulge in the mischief of planning fashion surprises for him. She had to sit tight, lest she be taken advantage of...
Really, I let my fear of disparity effect the amount of enjoyment I was getting out of the relationship.

Once I saw that, the silliness of it slapped me right upside the head.
Circumstances are forcing us to half-ass in a good portion of the relationship right now and I have no choice but to accept that. However, I am damn well not going to half-ass the rest of it, too! I'm here to learn and experience and experiment and enjoy. Get a move on, woman!

So, Decision Part II was that I will ride the coattails of that grace period, myself. I'll stop trying to channel the direction of the relationship. I won't fret about being taken for granted. I'll just take the pressure off of both of us by sitting back, relaxing, and seeing where we end up come fall.

I'm still anxious that this won't turn into what I'm hoping for once he gets time, of course, and leery that things will come crashing down around my ears at a later date. But this is my chance and I intend to take full advantage of it. I'm going to suck all the fun I can out the relationship, while I can.
Even if we don't ride off into the sunset, I will know I've lived.

Which is really kinda the biggest thing worth knowing.

Next time on As The Decision Evolves, find out how this is working out for me!  Stay tuned...  :-)

Prelude to a Decision

The Voice

We all have voices inside our head. Generally, they're pretty much just the different extremes of our personality, wanting to be heard. There's the petulant brat, the peacemaker, the snark, the insecure weenie, the arrogant snob, etc. ...

I've got another voice, however. One that almost never speaks but says things that startle me when it does. Unexpected things that turn out to be, well, right. It's just another form of intuition but it still takes me by surprise.

Like when I met a girl whose name I almost didn't catch because I was so distracted by the fact that something in my head had just said, "Oh, THERE you are!"
She turned out to be one of those dear friends that you seem to have known forever. Weird, but OK...

Or when I was blindsided by SP telling me that he had to leave me. Now, most people in this situation lurch straight into anger or denial.
Me? I hear The Voice: "He's right. This part's done."

Then there was the time I was chatting with a dear young friend, who spoke of the kids he'd have someday. The Voice quickly rebutted, "Well, that's not gonna happen..."  What the...?
I chalked up the negativity to an subconscious protest against a teen rushing to grow up too quickly. But one year later, that boy got sick. Two years later, he was dead.

I don't always enjoy hearing The Voice but I've learned to listen to it.

Fast forward to this January. Thoroughly fed up with the emotional rollercoaster of BG's relentless schedule and chronic inability to even keep in touch, much less make time for us, I composed a "this is not working" email. I finessed my words, purging rancor and hurtfulness, just calmly stating my reasons. It was a fine letter, if I do say so myself.
I went to hit Send.

"Don't."

Shit!
Shit, shit, shit! No! Don't do this to me!
Again, I moved the cursor to Send.

"Don't. It's not over."

I stare at the screen, snorting in frustration.
Fine. You've got until the weekend.
(Is it bad when you talk back to The Voice, do you think?)

BG emailed the next day.
 "I don't even have time to explain right now but I will. Please stay patient?"

*sigh*

(to be continued...)

Journal Musings 15 - The Primer

I found a primer on breast torture the other night. I was going to send the link to BG but decided I'd better take a closer look at it first.
Whoa, dawggies! DO NOT Hit Send!!

Well-written, humorous, and sensible but still, I don't think I really want to plant some of these ideas. He's probably had them all already but let's not make it seem like I'm suggesting knives or jumper cables here. Yikes! (Altho' BG has already said he stops short of drawing blood, so that takes care of several of the more cringe-inducing scenarios for me.)

Some of the ideas were quite attractive, tho', she muses...
Perhaps I could edit the page in Photoshop and send that as a pdf..?

Love, Lust, & Control

One of my friends here in BlogLand is a part of a happily married couple who have expanded their world to include TTWD. We've had more than one discussion about our differences in approach toward the issues that concern us.

Having a solid marriage, she has great faith in their relationship but worries how to integrate D/s into it's structure. I, on the other hand, had reservations about getting involved with a separated man but was determined to seize my chance to experience submission with him. So, for me, the D/s is the solid part and the emotional commitment is the work in progress.

Now, every couple treads a forked path of love and lust - two emotions that don't always go hand in hand. Sometimes they merge together to form one wide track but sometimes they diverge into two solid yet distinct trails. So my situation doesn't surprise me. What I'm discovering, tho', is that the addition of D/s seems to put another tine on the fork. And that IS confuzzling.

The trust and intimacy of the power exchange, in fact, seem to create a DMZ of blurred feelings; a middle ground where you can reap the benefits of each emotion without being fully committed to either. Lust is seasoned by trust, emotions flare with heat, yet distance can be maintained. I am subsumed by the Dom while still cautious with the man.

The transfer of control appears to be the key to the existence of this middle ground. Initially, before his control was a given, this area did not exist. As I deferred to him however, a brave new world began to emerge beneath my feet.
Currently, he has the control of my body and we share an intimacy that mirrors one created by love. But I still maintain control over my heart. While I hold that, this new land is my turf.
The interesting thing, however, is that I suspect when that final control is also conceded, the DMZ will collapse in on itself, no longer needed, and only the two original paths will remain.

Of course, this reaction may be unique to me. Maybe it's simply another way of manifesting detachment, I don't know. What I do know is that I feel committed to him, bound not by love or lust, but by this brand new thing that is neither, yet with elements of both.
In a situation that would ordinarily have me running for the hills, no less.
It's disconcerting, yet it feels totally right.

*shakes head*
It's a good thing I'm used to life in left field...  :-)

More Notes on My Desk

OK, I've bound a COW...
Created a Master...
Now I've got to mount Staff.

I think maybe techs are just naturally wired for kink...