Happy Halloween!

Here's hoping we all land in the top portion of the pyramid!

(seriously... ramen???)

Enjoy The Fun!

In Which I Continue To Pay For My Mistakes

He says that each time, he raises the bar to a certain standard and makes it our goal.

        “So, are you expecting infinite growth?”

“Not infinite, no. At some point, zero growth exists. 

     But slight improvements are always possible. 

Speaking of which, we haven’t used the magnetic balls in a while... 

     Set those out tonight.”

(have I used my numb tongue to mumble, "thank you" lately, gg?)

Nothing Gold Can Stay

Every year, I stall on raking my leaves…

Not just because I’m congenitally lazy (altho’ truthfully, what sane person ever itches to single-handedly rake up two tree-covered acres’ worth of leaves?) but also, simply from aesthetics. 

When those leaves first come down, they are still glorious. They may be on the ground, not the tree, but they retain their warm yellow color — and the grass, rejuvenated by the autumn rains, provides a vibrant, emerald green backdrop for the glowing gold. 

For a few days, there is splendor in the grass. ;-D

It can’t last, of course. Eventually, the glowing glory morphs into dull, dried husks and the visual appeal is completely lost. And naturally, by then it's chilly and windy and the leaves have molded and my sinuses are cussing me out for waiting.

So you’d think I would learn, wouldn’t you?

But no.

Just. Too. Pretty.

(wouldn't you agree?)

On Being Pleasing

Pygar wondered the other day:

If you are a submissive, do you like to please? Is that not what you are for?

Do you go out of your way to please? Do you constantly think of ways to please your dominant? Are you imaginative in seeking out new ways to give pleasure?

Or are you just there, available, for your  dominant to take their pleasure whenever, however, they want?

I found myself flip-flopping all over the place as I considered this. 

I don’t subscribe to the passive “serene lily” philosophy of submission.

Rather, I prefer mine to be active. No sitting around waiting to be needed here!

And yet…, well…, 

I have a life (as does he) and frankly, I don’t have the time to sit around thinking of new ways to please BG. I wish I did… it’s a lovely way to pass the day. (Plus, if I had that kind of time, I’d be able to blog more, too.) But it’s not realistic, nor does it reflect how I feel about submission. Quite honestly, my first reaction to, “Is that not what you are for?” is actually, “No. That is not what I am for ” - altho’ “pleasing” is certainly one of the primary things I want to be for him. But a constant, unadulterated absorption with my submission isn’t anything that either he or I want. (In fact, we both get pretty testy when it happens.) 

Which is not to say that he doesn’t want my submission accessible at all times - one of his favorite games is to flip the dom switch when I’m least expecting it (generally in public) and watch me slam into sub mode. (That brings a very particular grin to his face.) But the reality is that we structure our D/s more loosely than many. It's our foundation but not the entire frame - and as such, is simply not uppermost in my mind at all times.

Even more than our D/s style, tho', is the fact (as I noted in my comment to the post,) that when I try to imaginatively seek out new ways to pleasure BG, I tend to guess wrong. Like that whole snot and saliva question, what he likes is often something that I would never have thought of (and which, when I do think of, makes me go, “Oh, surely not…!?!”)

Turns out, I am simply not the best judge of my own pleasingness.

So I walk a line.

I want to please, I certainly make my best effort to please… 

      but I don’t go out of my way for it.

     (Which actually turns out to be what he wants, so I’m still being pleasing, go figure. ;-p)

I am open to finding new ways to please him… 

      but my brain does not churn over the question day and night.

I do my best to learn what pleases him… 

      but I’ve given up on trusting my own imagination.

Basically, I follow his lead.

Which feels passive in description, but is active in reality...

This is really a bugger of a question!

On Overcoming the Force of Habit

Some of the things he wants me to do cause me to balk on principal.

Some of the things make me balk from apprehension.

And then there are the things that don’t make me balk, exactly - but that I struggle to accomplish to his satisfaction.

I’m stuck on one of those now.

As of this week, I’m no longer allowed to use the wand on settings that I enjoy… I now have to use the jarring, discordant ones - rhythms that I find distracting rather than arousing… yet I am still expected to come.

Yeah... 

Have you ever tried to change the way you masturbate?

To learn to respond whole-heartedly to a totally different angle/speed/pressure than what your body stubbornly clings to as its road to bliss? (Particularly when even this good road has been known to develop potholes from time to time...) 

Am I the only person who finds this to be a hard stinkin’ thing to do?

I'm giving it the ol' college try, however. After all, I have done this before… once, long ago, when I realized that my years-long habit of lying on my tummy was causing me to have difficulty orgasming when on my back during the good times, which was happening more often now that there were actually other people present...

But I will not lie, it was a long and frustrating process then…

…and I'm not having much better luck this time around.

Usually, his challenges serve to exhilarate me.

     I'm afraid this one just kinda makes me grumpy.