That Kinda Week

When even the Friday lunch order goes wrong...

Stupid Human Tricks #14

"Self-sabotage is when we say we want something and then go about making sure it doesn't happen."

I would write further but I'm afraid I'd smear chocolate frosting all over the keyboard...

(And I value my computer, after all!)

(12 yards of fabric in that frock...)

Adjectives

I am always the wanton, cock-sucking slut.

That's a constant -- but all other adjectives are subject to change, depending on his mood.

Now, none of his choices are ever hurtful. He's not a man given to humiliation or belittling. He might tease me to embarrassment now and again but even then, he's careful with his words. So, rather than asking me if I feel "exposed", he'll use the word "vulnerable"… 

A subtle distinction but it makes a huge difference to my response. 

Yet, despite all his care, there are times when the differences between the male and female mindset muddy the waters anyhow. Because he will occasionally choose a word that is simply a neutral descriptor to him -- but that I really don't enjoy having applied to my person. The fact that I cannot deny truth of these words does not make them any more palatable. (I'm pragmatic but I'm not THAT pragmatic…!)

Unfortunately tho', the fact that they are true renders me incapable of protesting their use. 

At least, not to him. 

I will, however, share with you, my bloggy friends, that I greatly prefer "abundant' to "broad"… and I really don't like the word "pendulous".

Even if SP does assure me that "there is great sexiness in the word"…?

I'm just not feeling the love.

More Fresh Hell

Yet another wrinkle has developed in the life that is BG's.

While once again external and really nothing to do with the "between us" aspect of our relationship, it may yet prove to be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Because even naive idiots like myself reach a point where they can no longer say, "No, that's OK, I'll wait…"

And that point feels like it's closing in.

I'm saddened by the situation that has come up, concerned for him, hurting for him, worried about our future, ticked at life, resentful that I feel like the bad guy, peeved that he can't find some way to not put us in this position, angry with myself for having more optimism than sense, and overall pretty darned fed up.

“One person couldn't feel all that, they'd explode!" said Ron.

"Just because you've got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn't mean we all have," said Hermione.” 

Realistically, there's nothing to do but wait and see how it pans out.

And maybe fantasize about the days when life was simpler…

From the Trough of a Wave

My love life seems to run in cycles of five years.

(Well, OK, one relationship was 1 year and another 9, but look! That's an average of five!) 

All the rest have been five years, almost exactly.

BG and I are at four and a half. Despite the various challenges and obstacles which keep us developmentally at about a year, still, we're closing in on five chronologically.

Which means I've been starting to think about this…

My dad always said that you can never move ahead while you're won't let go of the past -- and I honestly believe the wisdom of those words. I don't think it's a good idea to stay stuck in a rut just because you're comfortable. But I'm also not sure it's a good idea to move on for no better reason than some externally-mandated principle, either. 

I've had wonderful relationships - with the wrong person - and they starved the inner Jz.

My current relationship has a less-than-ideal structure and glacially slow growth - but is with guy who only leaves me starving in a good way. ("Please, sir, I want some MORE…")

Talk about your opportunity cost analysis…

Stay, and risk not growing.

Leave, and risk not nurturing my soul.

(lil, what did you do with that rock we crawl under?)

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