Jailbreaking Containment

I realized that, directly or indirectly, I've addressed two out of three of greengirl's "three C-words" (control, containment, challenge) of submissive needs, so I figure I might as well go whole hog and make it three for three.

"Containment" brings up the rear of these discussions because, of all of the concepts, it is the one that holds the least appeal for me. Intellectually, I can see the point. By forcing an immutable boundary and inhibiting outward movement, one should, in theory, encourage a turn inward - to center, contemplate, and calm. It sounds genuinely lovely. All, sort of, bamboo frond and lotus leaf-y.

The problem is that this is just antithetical to my nature. I find my serenity in the crashing of the ocean waves, not in the whisper of a breeze. I struggle with immobility. I genuinely loathe (and resent) being restricted. Physically and mentally, I become claustrophobic. I'll spend a brief moment struggling and then launch straight into hyperventilation. -- I need wiggle room, darn it! 

There's no denying that those of us with this sort of psyche could benefit from calming and centering. But it doesn't seem that containment is always the best route to that goal. Instead, I'd like to propose an alternate C-word:
Channeling.

BG is a channeler par excellence. And I doubt that he is the only Dom who finds it an effective tool. After all, it's really more like guiding. There are still boundaries, but they are not restrictive. Rather, they are brackets, within which there is some degree of flexibility. The sub's choices may be limited but they are still hers to make. As with challenge, channeling leaves room for active participation and reinforces that control is hers to cede.

It's not the way for everyone, I understand this.
But it centers me. And that's really what he wants.

Dancing at the Edge of Trouble

It's not a thing most people notice unless they know me well, but I've got a bit of a wild streak. Fortunately, my pragmatic and analytical sides are generally the ones in charge, so I've rarely ended up in TOO much trouble because of it. Generally, I'm able to keep myself in check. But it's always there, a rarely-tapped reservoir of tumult just waiting to bust loose.

I think it likely that this is a good part of the reason I'm drawn to BDSM. The S/M satisfies the urge to be unleashed, yet the D/s ensures that there's someone besides me keeping an eye on the wild thing. Because that wildness can feel unstoppable. Tempting, alluring, and seriously addictive, I've tasted it and know I could lose myself in it for a very, very long time - if I let myself. But that's a life out of balance, lacking in harmony, and not how I choose to be.
I need my frenzy tempered by control.

Usually.

Yet, every now and again, something comes along that calls to the wild one inside. Like a child drawn to a hot stove, I move in, testing the limits, poking a finger over the perimeter, then snatching it back before anyone notices. Soon it's followed by a hand, then a foot. Over, back, over, back...

I rarely stray all the way into outright trespass. Unlike the child, I am capable of understanding what happens if I venture too far. I know the meaning of the word "consequence" and have a great respect for it.

But each time, I wonder if this will be the time my control fails...

Challenge and the Sub

When I read greengirl's post about adding "challenge" to her list of submissive needs, it very much struck home with me. Although I probably have a somewhat different perspective on it, I am a great proponent of challenges. BG uses them to increase my submission, both in playful ways and in more serious moments, and it's one of the things I enjoy most about our relationship. Not just because challenges are fun but also because they are very effective means to an end.

Brooke and Pygar have both posted lately about domination by force. I think it's safe to say that a lot of us don't respond well to that approach - indeed, it may well backfire if attempted. Challenge is a much more effectual tool for dealing with those of us with a recalcitrant nature. (*pauses for gentle clearing of the throat*)

There's a wonderful line in Pride and Prejudice where Elizabeth says, "There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises at every attempt to intimidate me."
Exactly, Lizzie!

It seems to me that many of us enjoy a challenge simply because we're too stubborn to just roll over and give in. These are the challenges we accept for no better reason than, "I'm damned if I'm going to give you the satisfaction of triumphing over me."
(Altho' I do want to note that there is a distinct difference between not liking to lose and not wanting to be triumphed over. My objection is not to losing fair and square but to having my nose rubbed into it.)

In the context of D/s, this sort of stubbornness may sound self-defeating - but I don't think it has to be. Because equally often, the attraction of a challenge is more that it offers a way of achieving a goal while both keeping and earning respect.

Challenging your sub may be one way of asserting your will. But it lets you do that while allowing her to keep her self-respect. Certainly, it's a form of training - one that utilizes her own nature to achieve the desired results. However, this type of approach also allows her to stay invested in the process. You may be leveraging a tendency but you are also reinforcing that it's her control to give over. It's a form of coaxing that diminishes neither side.

Kind of a win/win situation...

More Sub-Tech Follies

(editor's note: Brain-dead and buried these days. Please bear with me...)

Our last visit was fairly intense on all levels - physically, emotionally, intellectually. As a result, I had my first-ever case of sub-drop. It wasn't too bad, all things considered. I just spent a couple of hours wrapped in modified fetal position around a pillow, then got up and life gradually settled into place.

The next morning, everything was back to normal.
Or so I thought.
Until I entered command-line mode on my computer.
I needed to run some processes as the "super user" - a.k.a. the big, bad kahuna inside your computer. But rather than telling my machine that "sudo" commands xyz, I found myself typing "subdo"...

Apparently that sub-drop affected me more than I realized...
AND- my machine is secretly Dom -- because it just laughed at me.

Lesson #327

He arrived, a man with a mission, ready to put his plan into effect.
By the time he left, we'd punted all the way to Plan D.
Because of me. Three times, I couldn't. Couldn't make something, couldn't do something, couldn't take something.
None were my fault particularly, just how things fell that day.
But I did NOT feel good about it.

He, on the other hand, shifted gears gracefully and without complaint. Like my falters were simply a turn signal. As though this next thing had been the idea all along. I wasn't to worry, just to follow.

I'd been disappointed with myself because I thought I was letting him down. But he sure didn't seem let down. He left looking every bit as pleased, relieved, and satisfied as if things had all gone exactly the way he'd meant.

In thinking about it, I realized that often happens. He doesn't so much follow a plan as he harnesses our energy and directs it the way that feels right to him at the time. He cares less for the how of it than the what. So, things actually did go to plan, because it's play, not a test. All he asks is that I give the best I can and he'll take care of the rest.

This is something I knew intellectually but am only now starting to relax into. And the more I internalize and trust that, the better things get. What we have is not just the pairing of two parts. It's a thing all it's own, a single unit consisting of give and take, ebb and flow.
You know, something dynamic.

I may get the hang of this yet...

The Bed

Of all the, um, "vintage hand-me-downs" in my house, one of my very favorites is my wrought-iron bed. Airy and open, it is a compelling mix of welcoming warmth and cool, hard metal, with sensuous, sinuous curves that beg to be gently traced and strong bars you can wrap your hands around and hang on to for dear life.

I consider this bed to be nothing but pure pleasure but I also find it interesting to observe people's reactions to using it.

-One complained that he always bonked his head on one of the decorative bobbles.
-One enjoyed the fact that he could stick his feet out through it.
-Another liked that he could stick his feet out through it but hated the ensuing tangle when he tossed (as he did frequently) throughout the night.
-One philistine (of limited relational duration) couldn't figure out why I didn't get rid of this old thing and buy a nice NEW bed.

No one, however, has ever looked at it, wiggled his eyebrows and enquired, "Got scarves??" So, for years, my scrumptious bed went lacking in full appreciation. Until... (can you guess?)

BG has never done anything so mundane as waste time discussing the possibilities. Rather, he takes them as given and steps right into action. Sometimes I am tied to the supports. Sometimes I myself am woven through the open-work. Last night, as he tied my bound hands up over my head, a loose end of rope caught his eye and the next thing I knew, I was dangling hand by foot off of the headboard, like a hobo bundle.

"You are trussed."
"Yes, Sir, I am."
"You can't move."
"No, Sir, I can't."
"This is going to be fun..."

One instance in which I would have to agree:
The Dom is Always Right!