TMI Tuesday - Are You Listening?

1. Who has been the biggest influence in your life?

That's not as easy as it sounds… 

     My mom taught me the things that helped shape my comportment as a person (even tho' I often fall short)

     My dad is the critical voice of reason in my head

     SP has been the biggest support.

Do I really have to choose between 3 people I love?

2. What kinds of things really make you laugh?

Wit and absurdity.

No banana peels.  :-)

3. What’s your favorite place in the entire world?

There's this biiiig rock, right at the edge of the water, and it has a little indentation where a person's backside can rest comfortably, as they watch the waves and sky. 

And maybe listen to the seagulls. 

4. Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?

Again, you're trying to make me pick one!

I have several close friends, all of whom appeal to different sides of me.

    Tiny Woman is the sensible, mischievous sister.

    Cathy is the garrulous charmer.

    Nurse Jane Fuzzy Wuzzy is my traveling bud.

    Kraken is a cosmic twin. (So what's not to love? ;-p)

    Book Man is my Big Ideas chum.

    And I could probably put SP in here too, but that would give him a swell head...

5. What’s your biggest goal in life right now?

Financial solvency.

It's also my biggest dream...

6. What was your family like growing up?

More fun than a barrel of monkeys.

Seriously, my youth was just one big tangle of laughter and love.

Bonus: What is one thing about you that would surprise us?

That I'm really pretty much like I seem to be here. :-)

See Who Else is Playing!

Can't. Stop. Laughing.

Whoever thought of this is my hero for life...

found here

Because everything is better with googly-eyes.

Temporarily Defeated

It's not that I mind being independent… 

       I'm honestly glad I can stand on my own two feet.

But still, sometimes I really, REALLY wish I had someone to lean on.

Not to encourage me, I have that.
I mean to LEAN on.

       Like, heavily.

Just for a while.

Just until I catch my breath,

until things look manageable again.

(*pause*)

Oh well.

If I did, I'd probably forget how to stand up straight… 

       and I doubt I'd like that any better.

(*trudges off to kick something.. and retrieve her big girl panties*)

(oh, just in case you're wondering, this is simply life, not a BG thing...)

Sofia Turns the Tables

I should know better than to pose hard questions for March Q&A -- they have this nasty tendency to rebound back on a person...

I requested that sofia, "Describe yourself for an online profile in ten words, please"… so now guess what *I* have to do. (*harumph*)  ;-p

The whole reason I asked this question is because I was asked it once myself, maybe 10 years ago (long before BG and Blogland,) and I really found it an interesting challenge to pare down my vision of myself into ten short words. I think the result offers an intriguing glimpse into what we consider most important (and attractive!) about ourselves. 

I couldn't remember how on earth I'd answered it previously, however, so I thought it might be fun to do a comparison. I'd choose my ten words for now, then go back and look up my old answer and see how they matched up. I was kind of curious to see if any of the changes of the past decade would be reflected in the different word choices.

So, the ten-word Jz profile for 2015 is:

"Bright, witty, reserved, many-layered onion who loves laughter and logic."

Now, to find the other… When I finally unearthed my previous answer, however, I realized the question was phrased just a tiny bit differently - you were supposed to describe yourself for a dating service - which would slant a person's presentation a bit. Nonetheless, a ten-word profile is a ten-word profile.

The Jz of 2005 reckoned she was:

"sharp, funny, tall, curvy reader; imaginative, intellectual, klutzy, curious traveller"

In both cases, you'll notice that I felt compelled to abandon grammatical structure in order to cram as many positive adjectives into the allotment as possible! 

Vanity, thy name is Word-Lover.

Other than that, I guess I'm mostly bemused by the differences I see. Not so much in the words -- with the exception of curvy, I'd still claim all the old ones. But there's a distinct difference in tone, isn't there? It makes me a bit wistful, really. I'm not sure whether to appreciate my new serenity or miss my old exuberance… 

But of course, this is just my perception -- both of me and of my words.

YMMV. ;-)

Anyhow, Miz sofia, there you go.

Thank you for the question - and the chance to go tromping down memory lane!

Yy

Wha'cha Readin' Wednesday - The Doomsday Edition

I have to tell you…

This one, I'm not here to recommend.

Rather, this post is a cry from the heart, a plea for you all to help me find the strength to finish this wretched book.

I have this book club obligation, you see.

So even tho' I'm loathing this thing so far, I must finish it.

Come hell, high water, or off-putting plots...

Now, in fairness, I have read reviews that said, "I hated the first half of this book - but the second half will make up for it!" And no, I'm not half way through it yet.

So maybe there's hope... but I'm skeptical.

To give Mr. Johnson his due, it's an extremely well-written book. Tightly constructed and nicely shaped. I cannot fault him on that account. 

He definitely earned the Pulitzer Prize this won him, as far as writing goes.

But stellar word-craft isn't enough to drag me through 450 pages of a story I'm not enjoying.

Because I simply don't like books where not a single soul is likable.
Books are so much a part of my life that the characters become my friends -- and who wants friends they cannot stand??

Plus, it's a grim story, full of unhappiness and deceit. No one likes anyone, no one trusts anyone, no one enjoys their life. I see no hope for a happy ending, or even a redemptive one. Even worse, it's depressing as all get-out to consider that this may actually be an accurate portrayal of a very unhappy portion of our planet. 

Really, pretty much everything about the book makes me flinch.

So, I've been stalling and stalling on this beast, picking it up and putting it down. 

But I can stall no longer. The due date looms nigh...

In a last-ditch effort to push through, I've started using the reward system on myself.

"Read 100 pages of this and THEN you can take an hour and…" (bake cookies, work on your jigsaw puzzle, read something you actually enjoy…)

Thus far, this strategy has taken me completely through Jacqueline Carey's "Poison Fruit " (Agent of Hel #3) which was a truly fun, if slightly frothy read -- but, you know, after going from a dank North Korean fishing boat to danker prison camp, a little froth seems in order -- and a good chunk of the way into "Anatomies - A Cultural History of the Human Body" (which I am TOTALLY loving! There may be a WRW on that in the future…)

 

Sadly, however, I'm still only 289 pages into the libellus horribilis. (Jz-latin, but it feels apt!)

Pray for me?

Oooh! Another Question!

gg asked, "How does it make you feel to see that he is training you at such a fundamental level?" 

Oh, you do ask good questions, you!

I'll admit, the way you phrased this made me blink a bit initially, because I hadn't really thought of it as "training". Training sounds like such a formal, pre-scripted kind of experience that I hadn't equated it to our current situation. Which is silly, because once you think about it, it seems pretty obvious that that IS what's going on here. I had been seeing it more as just him "teaching me what he likes" - but really, that's a hairline distinction, isn't it?

To the question itself…

I have mixed feelings about it. Mostly, I love that he's pressing and molding and personalizing me into something beyond what I was when we met. I might have expected to resist being changed (given how stubborn I am,) yet the changes feel right. They feel more like I'm being encouraged to blossom rather than being pushed into some mold that does not fit.

And I adore being made more and more his, especially now that he seems more invested in the relationship. I'm still wrapping my head around the changes so I may not explain this well, but… Previously, all molding focused solely on me - a one-sided, "Make Jz the Fucktoy" situation. Now it feels more like he is creating an Us. I'm still being pressed into his form, but he's pressing back a bit, too… Dunno. Not sure that piece is going to come across well, so I'll stop there and get back to the question at large…

I find the changes from this training to be deeply erotic, not just in how they effect me sexually but also in terms of how the intimacy they create binds me to him. It effects me at a very profound level and really gives me great calmness and, dare I say, joy.

On the other hand…

This personalization has altered me sexually. My responses have become much more dependent upon control and pain (I know, I know… Captain Obvious has entered the building) and I suspect he intends for that to grow. And while I love what that does to me (I got quite the little rush just typing that, even,) I am also a bit leery of it. 

Not of what I'm becoming with him - I'm more than happy to follow where he's taking us.

No, what sometimes gives me pause is thinking about where the alterations will leave me when the relationship ends. Because after I get over being wrecked and devastated, I will have to relearn how to move forward - into a very different-looking world. My old maps and plans won't be of much use any more, I will truly be a jellyfish out of water. Which is not to say I won't be able to handle it, it's just going to make everything much, MUCH harder.

But please don't think I'm looking to borrow trouble. This isn't a worry that gets in my way or holds me back. We're here now and I fully intend to take full advantage of that to enjoy, learn, and grow as much as I can from it. But it is a reality I have to stare down on occasion -- sort of nod to it and then set it off to the side.

So, in short... I feel mostly "happy and fulfilled" -- with a small side order of "gulping now".  :-D

I hope that makes sense.

Thank you for wondering enough to ask! :-)

Do They Make Those?

So… 

I can't really give a good blow job unless I'm focusing,

I can't really have a good orgasm unless I'm focusing,

  ...and he wants me to do both at the same time.

I think I need a splitter for my brain…

hooooboy, yeah

really.

Gobsmacked

Once again, SP has floored me. 

I was explaining about that "limping bunny" hangup that I have -- my worry that I'm not enough of a challenge for BG, that there's no thrill of the chase with me… 

Now, usually when I go off on these tangents, fretting about what's in BG's head, I get the cyber-equivalent of a shrug and a, "Hard to say, of course…"

But this time, he said, "Oh, I can help you with that one… He has to work for your willingness -- and that is a bigger task than you may think. He wants to be subtle yet effective, and "working" that takes a lot more than just picking an amiable subject."

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Yep, another one of those "knock your perspective sideways" moments for Jz. 

Truly, in all the times I've thought about dominance and submission, I have never before considered the idea that a dominant might work for the submissive's willingness… 

It's not the generally perceived framework is it? 

(Or is it, and I've just missed the boat yet again?) 

Because to my mind, the more common explanation has always seemed to run more along the lines of, "the dom sets the way, and the sub accommodates that." 

Sure, there can be talk about "how he helps me adjust" or other ways in which he assists the sub in reaching compliance but I've interpreted them as being couched in terms of "I am wrong and he is helping me adjust to right", rather than "he is making it be right"...

I don't know. 

Am I blathering here?

Does this feel a bit stunning to anyone else besides me?

If Only It Worked This Way...

(or die trying?)

;-D

Touch

A gorgeous phrase, no?

One that expands in meaning the more you consider it. 

Memories of how it felt to touch - and to be touched.

     The feel of a child's cheek or lover's body beneath your fingers; a mother's love encapsulated in recollections of her hand on your hair...

Old memories revived by touches received - and new ones created by touches received. 

     A brush of skin that recalls people you thought you'd forgotten; the snap of sensation that you know will burn this moment into your brain...

It's a complex interaction of mind and body,

     all perfectly distilled into four simple words.

GG Asked...

"I think i remember you saying that you fell into D/s when a former beau pointed out to you that what you were/were doing was submission. Where did you go from there? Did you get more info from him, or look around? Was the internet an option? Where would you send your self now?" 

You remember correctly. I was sharing fond reminiscences with SP about aspects of my sex life with BeachWalker and he said, "Ah, so you like to sub. And I like to dom! We match!"

A lightbulb went off … and so it began… 

Where I went from there first was into my own head. I had to decide if I was comfortable with the idea -- which ultimately, I was. I am very fortunate in that I've never had any kind of "well, doesn't this make me a sick fuck" issues to work through. I've always been such a bundle of idiosyncrasies that to me, this was more of a new wrinkle than anything awful or shameful.

Once I decided I was okay with being submissive, then I started "researching" what exactly that looked like out there. I poked around the internet, found a lot of stuff that… well, didn't so much scare me, as just made me think, "oh, that's not very appealing…" -- and a bunch of stuff that really sounded terrific. :-)

And yes, I discussed it with SP. Ad nauseum, in fact. (Altho' he was terrifically patient with me.) Those talks with him, I think, were what made all the difference in the world for me. 

Because SP is kinky, but not really "into the scene", so he helped me realize that it's perfectly okay to approach this kind of relationship on your own terms. That those "Gospels" out there should all be taken with a grain of salt, because there are really no Rules to BDSM other than what any set of partners/couples/what have you decide on amongst themselves. It's all valid.

So, with him, I'd already worked through a lot of questions and anxieties (and a lot of new-sub frenzy, as well) long before I ever met BG. Which was a pretty big advantage all around, actually.

That was only seven years ago, so I'd likely do exactly the same thing all over again today. Even the stuff that I looked at and dismissed was valuable in helping me understand my own framework. 

But if I were to suggest a good starting place to myself (or anyone new) I'd send them (me?) to Submissive Guide. I think luna has a really terrific, sensible approach that gives you a good, healthy foundation to build on.

Oh, and I'd also probably recommend a couple of good podcasts, resources I didn't stumble upon until fairly late in the game. Erotic Awakening, Passion and Soul, and Femme Domme Mystique (all found here) are all really good sources of information. (I've also heard good things about the other podcasts available through Erotic Awakening Podcasts but just haven't been sucked in to them yet.) 

Hope that fills in the blanks adequately, sunshine. :-)

(Anyone else with questions, the lines are still open!)

A Curve Ball

He was less than fifteen minutes away from my house when he texted, “Oh, and I want you to have some of your favorite porn playing on your laptop so I can watch it while you’re under the table. I want to see what Jz enjoys.”

Doesn’t that sound lovely and hot?

  Really, I get all flushed reading it, even now.

Except for one minor detail…

“Um, Sir? I don’t watch porn. I’m more of a pictures and gifs gal - I can show you my current favorite in those…?”

“No, I want clips, of something you really like, playing when I get there. 

Better get busy…”

So, No Porn Woman has to find a free porn site, drill through page after page of contrived, unarousing clips to find something that’s actually erotic — and still leave enough time to set up the laptop, get his dinner on the table, warm the washcloth, and assume the designated vibrator-straddling position on the cushion under the table.

I did manage to find something - it wasn’t drive-me-to-my-knees wild but it did set off some significant tingling — as opposed to the first 3 pages of silicone and crap acting. (I also opened a tab to the gif that’s currently fueling some serious orgasms, as well. Because stubborn, don’cha know?)

I think he was a tiny bit surprised by my selection, not so much for the activity — we've done some tit-slapping, he knows I enjoy it — but because it was an amateur piece with no bling to it, just an ordinary, chubby woman with some seriously mobile boobs being swatted by her husband's hand. 

But it’s real. 

    I find nothing erotic about someone slapping huge tits that moveth not. 

    There's nothing compelling about phony passion and chemistry. 

    I simply don’t enjoy Bright Lights, Bad Dialog. 

But I did like this and I found it and it was playing… and that's what counts.

Well, that and the fact that he enjoyed watching it, as well. Both the clip and my gif selection.

And I certainly enjoyed his response to them. (ahem). 

So I think I smacked that pitch into left field -- 

      but it was touch and go for a few minutes, there!

One Part Too Many...

Cracks. Me. Up.
     (nod, nod, nod)

from PostSecrets

To the unknown author... you are my hero!

The Dark Side of the Moon

We've gone over this before, chewed the subject to death, in fact. You know, my whole "submissive to the dominant, not the dominance" wiring story. Been there, done that, designed the t-shirt...

But I have to admit, I've also wondered about it from his side.
Does he prefer the born submissive, or the triggered one?
Or does it even matter?

Because it's almost like virginity, isn't it? 

To some, dominant-specific submission is a big plus; to others, it's a failing; and the rest wonder why this is even a thing? And I couldn't decide where I thought he fell along that spectrum. 

Part of me figured it was likely a non-issue, simply because he has a certain liberality of character that I could easily see being indifferent to the question. ("As long as the equation is solved properly, I don't care about the method used…")

And yet…

He loooves the fact that he is able to challenge me when almost nobody else can… and he's territorial when I least expect it. Plus, there is a definite thrill of the chase mentality in him. (Which actually kind of worries me, because I'm not convinced I qualify as much more than "limping bunny"…) Each of these qualities would seem to me to indicate that he might prefer my submission as something that only he can tap into. 

Yet I'm not sure.

So I've wondered...

       …and finally asked.

Happily, it turns out that yes, he does like the additional heat provided by knowing he's the only one who can get me to do this stuff … that knowledge intensifies his pleasure in seeing me yield to his desires.  :-D

It's not really a thing I had to know…

     but it is a thing I'm glad to know.  :-)

One Door Closes, Another Opens

That's it for February Fragments!

Hope you all enjoyed it, even if I did go a bit random on you.  :-)

I haven't seen anybody out there hollering that March is Question and Answer Month… but I've done it for the past three Marches and I'd hate to stop now. I think I'll just continue the tradition, even if it's been cancelled this year and no one told me!

So prep your questions, because once again, our operators are standing by...