Thinking About Trust
Surfing and researching again. Quite a few of the concerns I see posted leave me baffled. I find myself thinking, "Do you trust your partner? If yes, why is this a problem? If no, why are you even considering it??"
On further reflection, though, I suppose I can understand. Trust is tricky. Most people equate trust with opening themselves to hurt, which is scary. But trust in a relationship gives a depth and breadth of joy that isn't worth going without. Granted, you can't make yourself trust. For some, trust has to be earned. For me, there's an instinctual recognition of the person. I trust first, ask questions later. Whichever, if you can't lower your guard, it's not going to happen.
But if you can find that trust and stand with no pre-conceived boundaries or limits, no defensive instincts, then there is no limit to how high you can go.
People don't have to have your trust to hurt you.
And someone can absolutely devastate you, yet still not violate your trust.
So, withholding trust won't keep you from being hurt. It will only keep your soul tied small inside you, afraid to fly.
I wanna soar.
******************************************
'Come to the edge', he said.
They said, 'We are afraid'.
'Come to the edge', he said.
They came.
He pushed them...
And they flew. -- Guillaume Apollinaire
******************************************
Friday, August 28, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
For Women Only
Once again, two disparate thoughts ran amok through my head, only to collide and produce an explosion of pointless rambling. So, brace yourself. The unofficial title of today's outpouring: Why I'd Never Make It As Deity's Sub.
Vesta wrote the other day about a former boss who always expected her to look smartly dressed and how she enjoyed complying. That reminded me of Deity's rant a while back about sloppy fashion on women. They both praise the look of a well-dressed woman, who appears the lady to her (well-polished?) fingertips. It's a really nice visual. I thought about it a lot today, as we launched a new dress code where I work.
Hi, I'm Jz and I'm a Fashion Failure.
Now, it's not entirely my fault.
Really.
YOU try finding pants with a 36" inseam.
Then refine the search-
Sturdy. Reasonably flattering. Within my budget. (which would be, po')
Let me know how you make out...
I had been dodging the bullet by wearing nice jeans but those have been mandated out of the realm of possibility. (Which is danged stupid for a tech who spends half her time crawling around in the un-dusted underbellies of people's desks. "Yeah, sure! A skirt is perfect for that!" - But I digress.)
An emergency shopping expedition yielded 3 pieces to get me through fall. A skort, a pair of black capris, and a funky Indian print skirt, knee-length. (Because anything longer gets stepped on and tugs downward when I crawl out from under said desks and stand up. Or ripped as it catches in the wheels of my office chair as I spin from desk to workbench. Don't ask me how I know these things...)
Inspired by Vesta's portrayal of the feminine sub and the appreciation she engenders, I decided to use the new dress code as a tool to help me become a more fashionable Jz. I donned the skirt for inaugural day. A flattering tee. Some very pretty lacy boyshorts, selected specifically so they would not show under bottom-hugging capris. I left home in a spirit of optimism.
Fifteen minutes into my day, I became aware that the reason my undies do not cause VPL is because they have scant amounts of elastic in them. Like, none. Oh my.
I tried periodic discreet tugs. Sadly, these just stretch things out.
OK, more emphatic tugs.
Self-imposed wedgie?
In desperation, I yanked the sides up so far that I could secure them under the elastic band of my very boho skirt, the insoucience of which was now marred by the bits of lace and satin bulging from the waistline.
Vesta's words flashed before my eyes. Deity's scorn rang in my ears.
I longed for my jeans and the comfort of a man who says, "Those ripped jeans give you a very earthy, sexy quality..." (actual quote)
Oh, well. Just means there's plenty of scope for improvement, right?
Vesta wrote the other day about a former boss who always expected her to look smartly dressed and how she enjoyed complying. That reminded me of Deity's rant a while back about sloppy fashion on women. They both praise the look of a well-dressed woman, who appears the lady to her (well-polished?) fingertips. It's a really nice visual. I thought about it a lot today, as we launched a new dress code where I work.
Hi, I'm Jz and I'm a Fashion Failure.
Now, it's not entirely my fault.
Really.
YOU try finding pants with a 36" inseam.
Then refine the search-
Sturdy. Reasonably flattering. Within my budget. (which would be, po')
Let me know how you make out...
I had been dodging the bullet by wearing nice jeans but those have been mandated out of the realm of possibility. (Which is danged stupid for a tech who spends half her time crawling around in the un-dusted underbellies of people's desks. "Yeah, sure! A skirt is perfect for that!" - But I digress.)
An emergency shopping expedition yielded 3 pieces to get me through fall. A skort, a pair of black capris, and a funky Indian print skirt, knee-length. (Because anything longer gets stepped on and tugs downward when I crawl out from under said desks and stand up. Or ripped as it catches in the wheels of my office chair as I spin from desk to workbench. Don't ask me how I know these things...)
Inspired by Vesta's portrayal of the feminine sub and the appreciation she engenders, I decided to use the new dress code as a tool to help me become a more fashionable Jz. I donned the skirt for inaugural day. A flattering tee. Some very pretty lacy boyshorts, selected specifically so they would not show under bottom-hugging capris. I left home in a spirit of optimism.
Fifteen minutes into my day, I became aware that the reason my undies do not cause VPL is because they have scant amounts of elastic in them. Like, none. Oh my.
I tried periodic discreet tugs. Sadly, these just stretch things out.
OK, more emphatic tugs.
Self-imposed wedgie?
In desperation, I yanked the sides up so far that I could secure them under the elastic band of my very boho skirt, the insoucience of which was now marred by the bits of lace and satin bulging from the waistline.
Vesta's words flashed before my eyes. Deity's scorn rang in my ears.
I longed for my jeans and the comfort of a man who says, "Those ripped jeans give you a very earthy, sexy quality..." (actual quote)
Oh, well. Just means there's plenty of scope for improvement, right?
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
A Question For The Doms
(whatever your gender...)
Sometimes the n00b just wonders about how people tick.
This week I've been thinking about how doms see what it is we subs do. I've heard a couple of different viewpoints and would like to hear more. I'm not judging. I know there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of... I'm just insatiably curious.
So, dear dom(me)s:
In theory, our submission is what makes us attractive to you. But what about that submission is the thrill for you?
Is it simply the fact of us doing what you want us to? (If there's something you really, really like but it doesn't seem difficult for us, is that thing still desirable?)
Do you enjoy the coercion and persuasion involved in getting us to do what you want? The triumph of overcoming our resistance?
Or are your wants driven by what we resist? (i.e., you only decide you want this when you see we don't.) The attraction of sheer, unadulterated button-pushing?
Or some other motivator that I've overlooked?
My musing started over a debate about safe words. They exist so we don't get pushed farther than we feel we can handle. BG and I use them and he respects them. But after giving me a break, he will return to that "yellow" border and see if he can push it. Gentle but relentless... He likes to see me bend.
Then again, I've read of doms who feel that once the sub has said, "I submit", that is the end of the sub's voice in the matter. Safe words do not apply. This approach concerns me a bit as I would think this could be where accidents are most likely to happen. But that's just one woman's opinion. Perhaps it's no better or worse than any other scenario.
As I read, I found myself expanding the scope of the question. There are also doms who specifically look for trigger points in their subs. (Hmmmm, what does this person really dislike? OK, that's what I'll require!) This certainly allows you to establish your dominance but for some reason, I have more trouble understanding this approach. Possibly because it appears fairly arbitrary. And that, in turn, feels less like you're getting off on my submission than you are simply flouting your dominance. I'd love to hear the flip side of the story. Or even my side, from someone who's actually experienced this.
Finally, I've read a couple of posts by doms who seem to like the process of totally objectifying their sub. I'm not sure how you do that without dehumanizing them and that, I think, could be dangerous ground. More speculation, though. I do not know enough to speak with authority.
Any thoughts or answers for me out there?
Sometimes the n00b just wonders about how people tick.
This week I've been thinking about how doms see what it is we subs do. I've heard a couple of different viewpoints and would like to hear more. I'm not judging. I know there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of... I'm just insatiably curious.
So, dear dom(me)s:
In theory, our submission is what makes us attractive to you. But what about that submission is the thrill for you?
Is it simply the fact of us doing what you want us to? (If there's something you really, really like but it doesn't seem difficult for us, is that thing still desirable?)
Do you enjoy the coercion and persuasion involved in getting us to do what you want? The triumph of overcoming our resistance?
Or are your wants driven by what we resist? (i.e., you only decide you want this when you see we don't.) The attraction of sheer, unadulterated button-pushing?
Or some other motivator that I've overlooked?
My musing started over a debate about safe words. They exist so we don't get pushed farther than we feel we can handle. BG and I use them and he respects them. But after giving me a break, he will return to that "yellow" border and see if he can push it. Gentle but relentless... He likes to see me bend.
Then again, I've read of doms who feel that once the sub has said, "I submit", that is the end of the sub's voice in the matter. Safe words do not apply. This approach concerns me a bit as I would think this could be where accidents are most likely to happen. But that's just one woman's opinion. Perhaps it's no better or worse than any other scenario.
As I read, I found myself expanding the scope of the question. There are also doms who specifically look for trigger points in their subs. (Hmmmm, what does this person really dislike? OK, that's what I'll require!) This certainly allows you to establish your dominance but for some reason, I have more trouble understanding this approach. Possibly because it appears fairly arbitrary. And that, in turn, feels less like you're getting off on my submission than you are simply flouting your dominance. I'd love to hear the flip side of the story. Or even my side, from someone who's actually experienced this.
Finally, I've read a couple of posts by doms who seem to like the process of totally objectifying their sub. I'm not sure how you do that without dehumanizing them and that, I think, could be dangerous ground. More speculation, though. I do not know enough to speak with authority.
Any thoughts or answers for me out there?
Sunday, August 23, 2009
The Right Touch
More things best not done alone...
BG and I are on the outs, with no idea whether it's permanent or not.
I look wistfully at the fading remains of the last bruises he gave me. Memories of the strong hands that created these marks flood through me and I sigh.
Will there ever be more?
At work, my arms were full of keyboards, cables, and a stack of hard drives. For all they seem solid and stackable, hard drives are slippery little critters and one slid from the pile. In a totally reflexive move, I clamped my thighs together and caught it before it hit the pavement. Hard edges and corners dug relentlessly into my flesh. Ow, ow, ow!
In the tub the next day, I spot a purple L-shape on the inside of each thigh. When pressed together, they form the perfect outline of a rectangle. I smile, then realize the colors gently echo the bloom on my knee, where I whacked it getting into the boat two days earlier. Oh, and look! The other leg sports fading glory from cracking my shin on the ladder while scraping last week.
I should know better than to think I will ever be without bruises.
But the self-inflicted ones are no fun.
I want those hands behind them.
BG and I are on the outs, with no idea whether it's permanent or not.
I look wistfully at the fading remains of the last bruises he gave me. Memories of the strong hands that created these marks flood through me and I sigh.
Will there ever be more?
At work, my arms were full of keyboards, cables, and a stack of hard drives. For all they seem solid and stackable, hard drives are slippery little critters and one slid from the pile. In a totally reflexive move, I clamped my thighs together and caught it before it hit the pavement. Hard edges and corners dug relentlessly into my flesh. Ow, ow, ow!
In the tub the next day, I spot a purple L-shape on the inside of each thigh. When pressed together, they form the perfect outline of a rectangle. I smile, then realize the colors gently echo the bloom on my knee, where I whacked it getting into the boat two days earlier. Oh, and look! The other leg sports fading glory from cracking my shin on the ladder while scraping last week.
I should know better than to think I will ever be without bruises.
But the self-inflicted ones are no fun.
I want those hands behind them.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Journal Musings 6
(I'm not sure if I made this clear but although I'm posting weekly journal entries, I started writing them back in February. So right now, we're still only up to about mid-March. Just mentioning it in case there seems to be some disconnect on occasion.)
Itchy Thoughts
It's been 3 weeks since I last saw BG and I'm experiencing something I didn't expect: My body is missing him terribly. But not as in, I'm horny. (Although I certainly am that!) It's more. I miss the mind-fuck. I miss the feeling of laying myself open to him. I miss the use. Which is kind of a surprise.
I surfed some to see if this was a common reaction. Didn't find much but one piece about "submissive frenzies" did refer to the sheer itchiness of subs who hadn't been played in a while.
So I guess I'm frenzied. (yikes!)
I also came across something else that struck me. It was a comment by a Dom that said basically, don't give me your submission unless I've indicated I'm receptive to it - how would you like it if a Dom did that to you?
This makes perfect sense but it still caught me off-guard.
Shoot. I hate falling into stereotypes.
Itchy Thoughts
It's been 3 weeks since I last saw BG and I'm experiencing something I didn't expect: My body is missing him terribly. But not as in, I'm horny. (Although I certainly am that!) It's more. I miss the mind-fuck. I miss the feeling of laying myself open to him. I miss the use. Which is kind of a surprise.
I surfed some to see if this was a common reaction. Didn't find much but one piece about "submissive frenzies" did refer to the sheer itchiness of subs who hadn't been played in a while.
So I guess I'm frenzied. (yikes!)
I also came across something else that struck me. It was a comment by a Dom that said basically, don't give me your submission unless I've indicated I'm receptive to it - how would you like it if a Dom did that to you?
This makes perfect sense but it still caught me off-guard.
Shoot. I hate falling into stereotypes.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Scratching My Head...
Vesta's recent post about playfulness got the n00b to wondering.
In particular, the thought she shared, "A top once told me that women who were into being spanked were more youthful of mind. Perhaps, the play keeps us feeling young..."
At first I thought, "That's the key. Playfulness."
I'm quite playful in general and I know that the aspect of play is a great deal of what attracts me to BDSM. Not that I'm rolling around giggling while my body parts are being bruised, I hasten to add. (I'm kinked but not THAT kinked!)
Presumably, everyone who's into BDSM participates because they enjoy it, in one form or another. It is a way of stepping back and escaping everyday life, of releasing our cares amid a cathartic rush of sheer feeling. Sounds like play to me.
The problem with that view, however, is that it doesn't cover the aspect of need. I once commented to Pygar that any extreme emotion can be addictive. Being a n00b, I don't know enough about the process to know if it's an addiction that will require more and more to satisfy or if it's like being a coffee junkie, where the amount of stimulant can remain constant, just don't, by God, tell me to cut down!
What I do know is that, having experienced BDSM play, I really cannot imagine going without. Sex without submission holds no appeal. Being submissive centers me, helps complete me. And that sounds more intrinsic than just a love of play.
I can't find a simple answer.
Can you?
In particular, the thought she shared, "A top once told me that women who were into being spanked were more youthful of mind. Perhaps, the play keeps us feeling young..."
At first I thought, "That's the key. Playfulness."
I'm quite playful in general and I know that the aspect of play is a great deal of what attracts me to BDSM. Not that I'm rolling around giggling while my body parts are being bruised, I hasten to add. (I'm kinked but not THAT kinked!)
Presumably, everyone who's into BDSM participates because they enjoy it, in one form or another. It is a way of stepping back and escaping everyday life, of releasing our cares amid a cathartic rush of sheer feeling. Sounds like play to me.
The problem with that view, however, is that it doesn't cover the aspect of need. I once commented to Pygar that any extreme emotion can be addictive. Being a n00b, I don't know enough about the process to know if it's an addiction that will require more and more to satisfy or if it's like being a coffee junkie, where the amount of stimulant can remain constant, just don't, by God, tell me to cut down!
What I do know is that, having experienced BDSM play, I really cannot imagine going without. Sex without submission holds no appeal. Being submissive centers me, helps complete me. And that sounds more intrinsic than just a love of play.
I can't find a simple answer.
Can you?
Monday, August 17, 2009
Friday, August 14, 2009
Journal Musings 5
The n00b had a bit of a rough week but I'm sure she'll be feeling curious again soon.
(Plus, she and Vesta are having fun contemplating a little project. There may even be twirling involved... That should perk her up!)
In the meantime, please enjoy the next journal entry. :-)
This Sounds About Right...
"Many submissives are strong individuals and their submission is to a strong partner, not to the world at large. There has to be a tension (in a good sense) between two people who are equal in strength and completeness, a push and pull between worthy opponents. What thrill is there for a Dominant in having someone weak surrender their teeny bit of weakness?" - unknown
I hope the last bit is true because the first part sure sounds right to me.
I could have chewed up and spit out most of the men I've dated, which meant I was always policing myself to be sure I didn't do just that. Talk about exhausting! I want a man strong and comfortable enough that the censor isn't needed. Just let me be me...
******************************************
Most welcome, bondage, for thou art a way, I think, to liberty. -- Shakespeare
(Plus, she and Vesta are having fun contemplating a little project. There may even be twirling involved... That should perk her up!)
In the meantime, please enjoy the next journal entry. :-)
This Sounds About Right...
"Many submissives are strong individuals and their submission is to a strong partner, not to the world at large. There has to be a tension (in a good sense) between two people who are equal in strength and completeness, a push and pull between worthy opponents. What thrill is there for a Dominant in having someone weak surrender their teeny bit of weakness?" - unknown
I hope the last bit is true because the first part sure sounds right to me.
I could have chewed up and spit out most of the men I've dated, which meant I was always policing myself to be sure I didn't do just that. Talk about exhausting! I want a man strong and comfortable enough that the censor isn't needed. Just let me be me...
******************************************
Most welcome, bondage, for thou art a way, I think, to liberty. -- Shakespeare
Sunday, August 9, 2009
I Should Have Read The Manual
So, I have occasionally contemplated the whys and hows of wax-play. It's nothing BG has ever suggested and I can't say the idea is particularly titillating but yeah, I'm sort of curious about the concept.
Fast-forward to my nephew's birthday. He had started to blow out the candles when his mother yelped, "NOT YET! The camera's not ready!" So there he is, with one smoldering candle among the lit. It's a significant birthday. He deserves the whole wish, dammit. Let's start over.
Being a good aunt, I reached over and plucked a lit candle with which to rekindle the dud. A blob of hot wax dripped onto my finger. The reflexive recoil plunged my finger right in a dancing flame. You could hear the little ball o' wax sizzling as it melted and puddled.
I am now sporting one seriously ugly burn on my finger.
Wax-play. It's not for klutzes...
Fast-forward to my nephew's birthday. He had started to blow out the candles when his mother yelped, "NOT YET! The camera's not ready!" So there he is, with one smoldering candle among the lit. It's a significant birthday. He deserves the whole wish, dammit. Let's start over.
Being a good aunt, I reached over and plucked a lit candle with which to rekindle the dud. A blob of hot wax dripped onto my finger. The reflexive recoil plunged my finger right in a dancing flame. You could hear the little ball o' wax sizzling as it melted and puddled.
I am now sporting one seriously ugly burn on my finger.
Wax-play. It's not for klutzes...
Friday, August 7, 2009
Journal Musings 4
Speed Bump
It's funny. While I won't say it was easy to accept that I enjoy submission, the most stubborn part to get past is not that I enjoy it. It's worrying about what other people will think if they find out.
I can be perfectly satisfied in my own mind that making the choice to submit to one man does not make me weak, unbalanced, or a ho. But I'm pretty confident that few who aren't of like leanings would view it that way.
******************************************
"Every mind must make its choice between truth and repose. It cannot have both." - Emerson
It's funny. While I won't say it was easy to accept that I enjoy submission, the most stubborn part to get past is not that I enjoy it. It's worrying about what other people will think if they find out.
I can be perfectly satisfied in my own mind that making the choice to submit to one man does not make me weak, unbalanced, or a ho. But I'm pretty confident that few who aren't of like leanings would view it that way.
******************************************
"Every mind must make its choice between truth and repose. It cannot have both." - Emerson
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Submitting to Love
This wonder will be peripatetic, I think.
Selkie had a fascinating conversation emerge from her Musing on Dynamics, which I read on the heels of Lunakm's piece about Dating in the Lifestyle (look! more capitals!) These were both topics that really got me thinking.
The subjects have danced around together in my head for a while now and produced this week's musing, in which the n00b finds herself wondering what people consider to be more important, love or BDSM?
That sounds a bit glib but the crux of the matter is, can you separate them? I don't believe I can. But how about others?
Surfing around, there seem to be quite a few happy partnerships out there that have learned how to incorporate BDSM into their daily lives and use it as an aid to living and growing together. However, I've also seen quite a few folk who have one person for love and another for fulfilling their needs.
I've always had a problem with settling down. I've spent 30 years in a series of long term, monogamous relationships - with something always missing. The last one ended because my terrific guy simply did not do it for me sexually. Physically, everything was OK. We just totally lacked the mind-fuck. When I realized I would end up cheating on him, that was the end of the story.
This was before the BDSM revelation but even so, I knew that I wanted more from my relationship. Once I acknowledged my inner submissive, I could still only consider exploring it within the context of a loving relationship. I wanted one guy in my life, who could satisfy both needs. If I had to choose one or the other, I'd probably pick neither. I don't want love without spanks or spanks without love. I've bounced around too much, trying to figure out what I want, to settle for an incomplete package now that I've finally seen the light.
Now, I lucked out. I met BG through a vanilla online site. (Proof that you should never limit yourself!) I was just trying to meet people, maybe find a movie-date. I had no real hopes of finding a good 'un. But I did, so I've been able to start integrating a lot of loose bits back into the whole. (I make so much more sense to me now!)
I also know that I was restless and dissatisfied before I was able to integrate these pieces, however. So I would never point fingers at people who choose to make themselves whole in whatever way they can, even if it requires two, three, or more people. All we can do is listen to ourselves and live life so we can look at our face in the mirror each day. To that end, I choose to combine submission and love.
What's your choice?
Selkie had a fascinating conversation emerge from her Musing on Dynamics, which I read on the heels of Lunakm's piece about Dating in the Lifestyle (look! more capitals!) These were both topics that really got me thinking.
The subjects have danced around together in my head for a while now and produced this week's musing, in which the n00b finds herself wondering what people consider to be more important, love or BDSM?
That sounds a bit glib but the crux of the matter is, can you separate them? I don't believe I can. But how about others?
Surfing around, there seem to be quite a few happy partnerships out there that have learned how to incorporate BDSM into their daily lives and use it as an aid to living and growing together. However, I've also seen quite a few folk who have one person for love and another for fulfilling their needs.
I've always had a problem with settling down. I've spent 30 years in a series of long term, monogamous relationships - with something always missing. The last one ended because my terrific guy simply did not do it for me sexually. Physically, everything was OK. We just totally lacked the mind-fuck. When I realized I would end up cheating on him, that was the end of the story.
This was before the BDSM revelation but even so, I knew that I wanted more from my relationship. Once I acknowledged my inner submissive, I could still only consider exploring it within the context of a loving relationship. I wanted one guy in my life, who could satisfy both needs. If I had to choose one or the other, I'd probably pick neither. I don't want love without spanks or spanks without love. I've bounced around too much, trying to figure out what I want, to settle for an incomplete package now that I've finally seen the light.
Now, I lucked out. I met BG through a vanilla online site. (Proof that you should never limit yourself!) I was just trying to meet people, maybe find a movie-date. I had no real hopes of finding a good 'un. But I did, so I've been able to start integrating a lot of loose bits back into the whole. (I make so much more sense to me now!)
I also know that I was restless and dissatisfied before I was able to integrate these pieces, however. So I would never point fingers at people who choose to make themselves whole in whatever way they can, even if it requires two, three, or more people. All we can do is listen to ourselves and live life so we can look at our face in the mirror each day. To that end, I choose to combine submission and love.
What's your choice?
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