Vanity, Thy Name...

Armed with camera and tape measure, I have been sent forth on a mission, in search of suitable rafters from which to hang things. Namely, me.

I'll be honest, my first thought on seeing the words "suspension fuck" was "oooooh!" Things got quite squirmy and I swear the temperature rose in the room. I floated to bed in a dreamy reverie of future fun.
Then sat bolt upright as a few harsh realities cut through my dreams.

Were they about pain? No.
Were they about danger? No.
Were they about the likelihood of supreme personal embarrassment? Yes.

I love that it doesn't cross his mind that it could be a challenge to hoist the lush tangle of curves that is my body up into the air. And he's very mathematically and quantitatively inclined, so I have no doubt that he has already accurately assesed a lot of statistics about me that I would prefer to keep shoved under the rug. So, the numeric revelation isn't even the primary discomfort.

It's the sheer ungainliness of it all.

I love to go watch Cirque du Soleil. I sit in the dark and pretend that the lithe, sylphlike figure spinning and twisting gracefully through the air is ME.
Reality is about as far from that fantasy as you can possibly get.
I am a klutz and a dweeb. I simply cannot imagine myself achieving this with even a modicum of grace.

Rather, I visualize the scene looking more along the lines of a Dead Horse Ceremony. A whole lot of inelegant and uncontrolled bobbling.
Except without the chanteys.

It's simply not the image I want to sear into the retinas of my lover.
BUT - it will be what it will be.
I'll just have to grit my teeth and channel my inner aerial artist, I guess.

Or change my name to Bobble Girl ...

(Did I mention these always end with the "horse" being cut from the line, to plummet to a watery grave?)
               *gulp*

The Other Side of the Coin

One of the things that I've always had a little trouble understanding is the workings of trust within a power exchange. Not that it exists. I well know that there is a huge degree of trust exchanged. It's just that I've always found it easier to see how trust comes from the sub. I'm pretty much putting my life in his hands, after all. It's grasping how, exactly, my Dom is trusting me that trips me up. Other than in not calling the cops on him, what on earth does he have to trust me for? (Yeah, OK, that's kind of a big one, I grant you. But still...)

Subs entrust our very being to the control of someone else.
Giving over that kind of trust, however, puts you in a position of vulnerability. Which is why it's so hard to visualize the process in reverse.
The sub knows she is vulnerable.
Hard not to spot that when you're naked and bound.
But the Dom? Vulnerable?? How can that be?
They are the Dom. Resistance is futile, and all that.
Yes, I'm teasing. Of course they share the vulnerabilities of all humans. But I'm talking specifically within the dynamic and that has confuzzled me.

When you stop looking at the forest, however, and concentrate on a few trees, things start falling into place. Break your dynamic down into component parts and it's easier to see the subtle counter-balances.
Let's take safe words as a example.

BG and I use them. I was told at the beginning that "yellow" and "red" will slow or halt the proceedings as needed. I believed him and even yelped out a "yellow!" during each of our first two scenes. He responded as promised, validating my trust in him.

Hmmm. Again- trust on side of sub.
As I thought about it, however, I began to recognize some of the ways in which he was trusting me and how that reciprocity of trust strengthens us into something far more complex than I'd ever anticipated.

He is, in fact, trusting me to respect his good faith and to not abuse it.
He is trusting me not to let him harm me.
He is trusting me not to test him. He wants to dominate me, not damage me, so the words are there for my protection and comfort. But I'd sure as shootin' better not go saying yellow every time my nose itches, unless I'm prepared for some major changes to our dynamic.
He is trusting that I will surrender my control, not force him to impose his on me. We would both hate that, as neither of us equates micro-managment with dominance. So, if he couldn't trust me not to put him in that position, I don't think we'd last more than five minutes.

The good news is that he can trust me for that and he does. In fact, I haven't actually used a safe word since those two in the beginning. I haven't needed to. With trust and time, he can now read what my body is saying before my mind can dredge up the words. But we keep them, as a safety net for both of us.

I'm sure there are plenty of other ways in which a Dom extends trust to his or her sub. This is simply the only one I've spent much time thinking about so far.
I'd love to hear more, if you'd care to share.  :-)

Under the Wire

What's Towel Day, you ask?
Well, Towel Day is an annual tribute to the late author Douglas Adams, author of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. On that day, fans around the universe proudly carry a towel in his honor.
(Read The Guide!)
After all, anyone who can think up the character of Wowbagger, the Infinitely Prolonged (an alien who accidentally became immortal and decided to pass eternity by insulting everyone in the universe - in alphabetical order,) deserves to have a towel worn in his memory, at least once a year.

And as a towel-wearing fan, I am deeply sorrowful that I cannot be in Portland, OR tonight, attending the Thirsty Lions Vogon Poetry Slam. (7:30 pm, for those who might still make it!)

They've even made it easy for us to participate:
"Not sure you are capable of writing torturous, horrible poetry? Not to worry! Click on the related link for an easy Vogon Poetry Generator. Rather than penning something butt-clenchingly awful on your own, you can rely on the marvels of modern technology--and a few fill-in boxes--to write it for you. Just print out the poem the website generates for you and bring it along to our Poetry Slam. And bring your towel!".

Well, I can't make it to the west coast in an hour and a half.
But I can (and did) fill in some blank fields.


See, see the lovely sky
Marvel at its big puce depths.
Tell me, friend do you
Wonder why the sloth ignores you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you think of the breath of a thousand and one camels?
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your sniggleblitz facial growth
That looks like
A Orange Dry.
What's more, it knows
Your fallacious potting shed
Smells of leprechaun.
Everything under the big lovely sky
Asks why, why do you even bother?
You only charm slugs.


I think that strikes the right note...
Should anyone care to stand up and read this for me, please send photos.

Oh, AND... if anybody has a soundclip for the Pellerator (Starship Titanic game) saying, "It's all very confusing, I know", please, I beg of you, shoot it to me?

Confused? Just google. 
It's a five-volume trilogy, after all. Too long to recap here.  ;-)

Or Maybe Not

I've said all along that one of the things I like best about BG is that he is truly a Thinking Man.

I'm on my knees in the bedroom, toys laid out on the bureau.
He hands me the beaded nipple clips. "Here. Put these on -- but I want the beads at the top."
OK, he's done that before, for easier pulling.

But why repeat yourself when you can come up with a different devious means of torturing your sub?
Yes, he pulled. Right up over his cock.
And left it there.

Can you spell, *YEOW!!!*?

Now, it's true that I'm tall.
But that fact just increases the distance between my mouth and my chest. A chest that is decidedly not "pert".
That little 18 inches of chain is just NOT workin' for me!

HE, however, is entirely happy.
Chuckling even.
While exhorting me to greater exertion on the bobbing front.
With a big, stinkin' grin on his face.

Wretch.

Did I say I like a thinking man?
"Rewind! Rewind!"
;-)

The Pros of Pollyanna

Did you know there is a thing called the Pollyanna Principle? It describes the tendency people have to agree with positive statements about themselves.
Initially, that struck me as kind of self-evident - we're all egotists, after all.

When I saw it rephrased in another way, however, a lightbulb went off:
"Research indicates that, at the unconscious level, our minds have a tendency to focus on the optimistic while, at the conscious level, we have a tendency to focus on the negative."

Just think about that for a second ...

The part that just is, believes in us.
It's when we start thinking that we create problems for ourselves.

Now, I have a long history of over-thinking almost everything (just ask SP) so I'm very familiar with the concept of being your own worst enemy. But I had never really considered the flip-side, that our non-thinking, intuitive center is actually, "A really big fan!"

(Sure goes a long way toward explaining a lot of the funny little dichotomies we all have within ourselves, though, doesn't it?)

It also made me wonder... I've mentioned that several friends have noted my increased self-confidence since I've been involved with BG. My assumption had been that this was because I was integrating an important aspect of me -- becoming more myself.
I still think that is a large part of it but now I wonder if there's more to it as well.

Remember I mentioned how submission brings me out of my usual state of detachment and into the here and now? In effect, makes me stop thinking, brings me completely into the physical, and lets me simply be?

Maybe spending time in that unthinking head-space is helping to change the balance. Maybe while I'm busy not thinking, my inner cheerleader gains a toehold because the critic isn't around to push her out?
Worth, errrr, thinking about, anyhow.

Which I will certainly do- as I don't intend to give up thinking anytime soon. Even if there are positive effects from occasional stints as a tabula rasa, don't expect me to relinquish cogitation. It's too much fun and I wouldn't know how to stop, anyhow! :-)
But maybe I can learn to quit before I think myself into knots.

Any knots are BG's job now ...  :-)

Can You Spell "Trepidation"?

See, here's the thing:
I'm really pretty much of an organic material kind of slut.
Ropes, fabrics, leather, wood, these predominate among our devices of torture pleasure ... and they're all very squirmy-making.

Metal? Not so much so. Kinda leaves me cold.
Metal with dangerously sharp edges?
Cold sweat and palpitations may ensue...

BG oh-so-casually asked me if I'd ever had a rape fantasy. Well, yeah. I have a vivid imagination, after all. 

So he started planning a scene-

"naked BG fucking naked jz after ripping off her t-shirt and cutting off her panties. yum."

That rape scene part? A big "Amen!" to the "yum."
The t-shirt ripping? Yeeeha!
The rough sex? Send me in, coach!
Even the potential violence doesn't deter me. I truly have absolute trust in this man.

But the sharp-edged-metal-thing part? Aaaaaagh!!!
(Have I mentioned that I've been known to pass out just from innoculations?)
Even knowing BG does NOT get off on blood (thank you, Jesus!) it still spooks me.

I do get the point of why he wants to do it - this would be the granddaddy of all power exchanges. And please don't mistake that statement for me condoning the violence of actual rape. Real life rape is nothing but power extortion and it's a horrible, horrible thing. But to scene one with someone you absolutely trust gives you each the permission and assistance to let go and totally push the edges of your boundaries. Just shoot the tube and FLY!

I'm imagining ... hot.
I'm imagining ... loud.
I'm imagining ...
The Damned Knife Again!

It will definitely be an exercise in submission, that's for sure. Because it's not him I'm afraid of - it's me and my reactions. (Like, oh, say, the ill-timed thrash of panic ...) But that's really kind of the point, isn't it?

*takes deep breath and stiffens her spine*

******************************************
Jz: so, what did you rip my bodice with in this fantasy of yours?
SP: a switch blade
Jz: dang!
Jz: i didn't realize that I had choices beyond hands or teethe!
SP: and you said How sharp is that???
Jz: (please ignore the Elizabethan "e" above)
SP: so I shaved off three pubic hairs perfectly - and one e too
SP: that's how sharp
Jz: I think I'm flushed...
******************************************

In Passing...

I love rope marks, can I just say that?
Unfortunately, they never last very long. Yes, there's residual redness. Bruises. Tenderness.
But the well-defined imprint is a thing of fleeting beauty.
*sigh*
Nothing gold can stay, I guess.

On Walking Alone

Something I read on Submissive Guide got stuck in my head.
A new sub wrote that she could feel her Dom changing her - and that others had noticed the changes and their feedback wasn't positive.

It got me thinking how isolating this whole lifestyle experience can be, particularly to new subs. It removes us from the milieu in which we're used to functioning and most of us flounder until we find our feet.

I suspect a number of people will read this and want to focus on the subject of the sub's allegience and to whom she should be listening.
But I'd really like us to bracket that, please.
This is not a consideration of procedure or right and wrong.
Instead, it's a musing on feeling -- the feeling of being cut off from life as you know it and how lonely it can feel as you adjust to your new reality.

No gender bias intended, but it seems that the majority of subs are female. And while there are always exceptions, most women tend to utilize a decision-making process that is much more socialized than most men's. (You know this. Why else the standing joke about how women can't even go to the public restrooms alone?)

To women, our friends are a support sytem, a second line of defense that may catch something we ourselves failed to notice. We want to hear what they say, in order to be more confident we have weighed all the possible ramifications of our decision. So even if we don't always take our friend's advice, we do have the habit of always considering it.

When you enter into TTWD, tho', you throw a wrench into that support system. Few of us, after all, share the details of what we're doing. Rather, we adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, make sure our clothing covers the bruises, and just side-step entire key elements of our relationships.

This is fine as long as we're happy and our friends are happy that we're happy.

But things rarely stay warm and fuzzy. At some point, there will be a hiccup and our friends will have a concern and will offer input. This is where it gets tricky, because the habits and inclinations of a lifetime now fail us. We begin the process of evaluation that we have always used before and immediately stub our toes.

We know our friends don't have all the information but we have no intention of filling them in. They're going to call it as they see it, yet we know they don't see it ALL.
Which means that before we weigh their advice, we first have to filter and re-examine it in light of the missing pieces.
And then:
  assess how those missing pieces might alter the given opinion,
  consider if our friend has a valid point or is just resisting change,
  examine our own fears of losing an important piece of ourselves,
  remind ourselves of the equally important things we've gained,
before, finally,
  we weigh all those pieces.

This is work! Work which frequently creates friction and often distance, as well. Because even if our friends are willing to calmly accept that something has changed and go along with us, we feel the strain within ourselves. It's not insurmountable but it's a lot coming at you at one time and it can be a bit overwhelming.

Unfortunately, it's a process we all have to work through on our own - with no easy answers, so I offer none. All I can say is that eventually, we do gain confidence and the mad gyrations ease. We do become comfortable with our course. And generally, the friendships survive.

So, take heart. There IS hope, young padawan...

I Blame Eric Idle

I watched a documentary on Monty Python the other night and got "The Philosopher's Drinking Song" stuck in my head. ("EEEeeeeeeeeMANuel Kant ...") So I was humming away as I flipped through my notebook in search of this month's quotation. (Quick! How many of you realized I change it?!?)
Anyhow, this meant that silliness, philosophers, and submission were all a-whirl in my head when I came across this rather unfortunate grouping under the name Whitman- 

"Resist much, obey little."
"And your very flesh shall be a great poem."
"And I will show that nothing can happen more beautiful than death."

I'm afraid An Idea Was Born.

"A Consideration of the Dominance Quotient of Great Thinkers Throughout History -as expounded by Jz  
(Includes Dubious References and Spurious Conclusions)"

You have to admit, it's a perfect fit. As a word-loving submissive who espouses the mind fuck above all, I'm really kind of surprised I hadn't thought of it before.

My first inclination was to limit the consideration to philosophers but as I flipped through my Bartlett's (Yes, I have my own copy of Bartlett's Quotations ... and an OED. Raise your hand if you're surprised...!,)
I realized that there was good fodder among poets and writers as well. So, I expanded my base.

Meaning, of course, that there are now far too many subjects to be tackled in a single post. So I will feed you occasional installments, until I run out of things to say, or you, dear readers, sicken of it and begin to shun me. (Although I'd rather you let me know before it reached that point. A quick email with the word, "Cease!" in the subject heading should do the trick.)

I expect some posts will be totally silly but some may actually contain meat. Or it could all fall flat and be discarded almost immediately.
You just never know.

Let us at least make a start, however...

Now, I'm going to pass on Walt Whitman because that little grouping raised the hair on the nape of my neck. Plus, the sheer, unrestrained superfluity of his beard just skeebs me out. 

But there are others whose words lend themselves to a quick overview.

Aristotle-
"That which acts is always superior to that which is acted upon..."
    He has certainly captured the correct tone, anyhow...

Bacon-
"Champagne for my sham friends; real pain for my real friends."
    No play dates until the acquaintance is firmly established, then...

Cicero-
"In everything, satiety closely follows the greatest pleasures."
    Ooooooooooo...

Hobbes-
"nasty, brutish, and short"
    That's just a FAIL right across the board, there.
    (Remember the sub-title, folks!)

Plato-
"Life must be lived as a play."
    hmmm, that has potential...

"I shall assume that your silence gives consent."
    before or after the ball gag?

"There is no harm in repeating a good thing."
    I'm starting to like this guy...

"Death is not the worst that can happen to men."
    RED!!!

(Anyone you'd like to suggest I consider?)