I remember watching an 80's sitcom in which one character said about another, "When I look at her, I don't see black, I just see my best friend." I discussed this with my best friend, herself black, and it turned out that she disagreed with that statement every bit as much as I did. We each see the difference in color… it doesn't matter to our friendship, but it cannot be overlooked, either. We are all shaped by the culture of our race.
Of course, color isn’t the only difference between the two of us. She's short, gorgeous, and sophisticated; I'm a tall, plain, taped-glasses kind of geek. She’s a polyglot with a degree in economics; I talk to machines. She left a trail of broken hearts behind her in college; I did a lot of baby-sitting.
We have been described as being Lucy and Ethel. (Not to be confused with Thelma & Louise!)
On the surface, it’s a classic case of “one of these things is not like the other” in almost every way imaginable - skin tone being the least of it. Yet for 44 years, our friendship has worked.
Differences can exist and still simply not matter.
Please take note, world.
7 comments:
I think is disingenuous at best, willfully ignorant at worst to pretend you don't see colour. The point is to see colour as just another definer such as hair colour, glasses or no glasses, height etc and that is something we DO have to work at being clear about it and up front.
I discovered this when my kids were in elementary still. I picked them up and they were chatting in the back (they are just a year apart in age). They were talking about a kid - George - and Declan was like "you know, the dark brown kid" - Kealin - the "black one?" - and Dec is like no - he's got really dark brown not black skin - and Kea was like, oh right, the kid with the glasses? And dec was like yeah- him... and on they continued on the point of the story. the reason I bring this up - to THEM - brought up in this INCREDIBLY wonderful RAINBOW of a city -with THEM actualy being the MINORITY - colour was simply a definer - nothing else. No preconceived notions about the colour, no engrained and often unlooked prejudices about the colour, nothing except this is what this kid looks like - THAT is being non-racist - and yet as they grew they learned and as they learned they owned their white privilege - the realities that come with moving through society with a white skin - not so much what it GAVE them (we were never wealthy and financially strapped regularly albeit they never went hungry and got what they needed)- but the reality what their white skin meant in a society which has embedded in it, innate and systemic racism.
There is so much work for be done in our society - but doing what you and your bestie do - SEE colour without attaching it to a whole SET of emotions, preconceived notions and beliefs - is a start!
I know I work every single day on recognizing my own engrained prejudices and recognizing my innate privilege.
BTW wasn't making a judgment call - just (badly) trying to explain my thoughts ! :)
s-
No worries - wasn’t feeling judged.
The reason this piece sat in my drafts folder for so very long is that whenever I tackled it as a full post, Expostulatory Jz ended up flailing her arms so wildly that she knocked Editing Jz out cold, then ran away with All The Words. Every. Time. So this year’s plan was to take the most coherent paragraph, tweak it into some semblance of epistolary shape, and hit Publish - with a whole lot left unsaid.
(In fact, I had to smack Expostulatory Jz, even here...)
We can't possibly touch on all we think about this subject in a single post or comment, so as a result, it's inevitable that we'll end up sounding a bit lop-sided.
As long as we think, pay attention, and try, we're ahead of the game.
The reality is we're learning all the time - and perhaps that's ALL we can do - try to keep open minds, deal with the painfulness of our own privilege by recognizing the pain of our fellow citizens...baby steps... but the importance is taking that first one - I am constantly having to revise my own thoughts.
To note differences as a means of recognition without letting them make a difference, there's the whole thing in a nutshell.
Hi Jz - both great stories ... just wish the poster one had used some apostrophes! I'm picky ... but we can all be friends and make our own. Stay safe - Hilary
s-
Yes, you have to pay attention or you get stuck in your own blinkers.
mm-
Agreed, ma'am!
H-
The apostrophes (or lack thereof) bothered me, too... but I couldn't be bothered to paste in a correction. I've done it in the past for some truly egregious ones but mostly, I just shake my head and let them go. :-)
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