So ... it's the end of February.
My drafts folder is de-bloated and I've milked this excuse for not living up to my new (already-defunct) "Sex Blogger" status for all it's worth.
(Which I have suffered some serious pangs of guilt over, btw. I can't tell you how many people have arrived here lately from some iteration of the Sex Bloggers list -- and the statistics of each visit tell the story of one very confused perver...
"This can't be right. Let me try again. (*click*) Nope, still elephants, beds, and books. Once more. (*click*) You've gotta be KIDDING me! This is no sex blog…! What was she…? (*click*) What the…???(*click*) (*click*) (*click*) Oh, man! This is just wrong!"
Sorry, Rori!!)
But I digress.
I was telling you about my angst over the end of February Fragments.
It's been a great delaying tactic but now I'm up against reality again.
The truth is, I am no longer a member of this tribe.
I don't fit, the commonality is gone,
I don't belong anymore
...but I don't know where else to go, either.
There are options, of course.
Fr'instance, I could become a Gnostic.
Gnostics believe that the world of the physical is evil (totally down with that right now, for sure!) and that we should devote all our time to thinking lots and cultivating inner knowledge in order to escape this tawdry existence for the true world of the spirit.
That feels like an excellent fit.
Except for the minor difficulty that Gnosticism petered out around the 4th century AD.
Which makes joining up with my new peeps a bit problematic...
I also briefly considered becoming a stylite -- but my vertigo disqualifies me.
Another possibility is breatharianism.
This would allow me, nay require me, to eschew all food and possibly liquids and be sustained solely by prana.
Hmmm...
Hmmm...
Lose weight, save money, find tribe…
Score!!
(I can't shake the feeling that this one isn't quite as straight-forward as they make it sound, however.)
Maybe I'll just keep lurking at the edges here a while longer, until the right tribe appears...
12 comments:
Oh, sweetheart, I hear you.
And you're ever so welcome to join me in blogging about food.
-R.
I actually feel like several of us are in in a kind of similar place - and I've hung on longer than you... so just stay, maybe we'll figure it out together?
-sin
I don't come here from a sex blog - or for a sex blog - i come - and i flip through pages - because your words, ideas, and thoughts are just that compelling.
R-
"Antipodean Bakers" to the rescue!!
(but I hate to think that you're feeling anything like I am, sweetie…)
s-
Maybe natural selection will gradually create our own personal splinter group…? ;-)
(All Welcome!!)
Flippancy aside, I'm definitely staying, at least for now.
It's just that's it's awkward, because this is a place that is strongly colored by his presence for me, yet it's also a space I carved out for myself alone.
So it hurts to be here, (can you say, "rubbing salt in the wound"?) but I still kind of need to be, conflicted feelings or no.
Hopefully you're right and it will eventually fall into place...
gg-
Thank you, I appreciate the kind words.
I'm really not so much fretting over not being a sex blogger anymore -- I frankly never considered myself one to start with, anyhow -- it's more about how I simply don't feel I belong here anymore. There is comfort to be found with my friends, to be sure. That's why I haven't actually left yet, but on the other hand, I really do feel like that mule -- abandoned and inarguably out of place.
But I refuse to do anything irreversible while I'm in this state of mind, so I guess you guys are stuck with me a while longer. :-)
Maybe you should change your blog name.
A Really Pissed Bitch?
A Reluctant wanna-Bitch?
I make light of it (as you do)...but the truth is...it does hurt and that makes me sad...because we're friends and friends hurt together. NO one has a perfecter reason to rant and rave and moan...yet you haven't. You're interesting and fun and a genuinely good read. Maybe someday you'll share your loss...you know there are others who have been in that boat. Whether you stay in the boat, or jump out and swim in new waters (have I used enough metaphors yet?)...will be up to you, my dear.
I come here because it's where my friend is. No sex? eh. Whatever. It's YOU, Jz, who makes this blog. The sex part is fun, but you have such a diverse series of thoughts...and I for one will continue to come and visit with you here, for as long as you continue to write.
nilla
you guys are killing me with all this nice-thing-saying!
I…
…don't know what else to say.
thanks.
the thing is, Jz, though some of us think we are in the same boat as you, the truth is, that it isn't the same boat. Most of us are merely juggling the fact that our doms are not as accessible to us as we'd like them to be. ....and you've broken off with yours.
That's just not the same thing.
Not by a long shot.
You're going through a time of deep loss (though you've glossed over it so beautifully that I'm not sure everyone really groks that you're in deep pain here).
I don't want to trivialize that by putting myself in that boat and saying that I know how you feel. Blogging is hard at the best of times, putting your personal guts out there... (which is why so much of my stuff is, yanno, fiction) for the world to see...and to have to deal publicly with this pain takes great courage.
No, my friend, I'm not in that boat with you...but I'm here on the shore with a life preserver and a line if you need one.
Bumpage...
nilla
n-
you're a sweetie.
And you're right. We're not all in the same boat.
Not everyone else has broken with their dom, not everyone else has (had) their dom as the only relationship in their life. And I'll admit, sometimes when I'm a little more down, it can bother me to hear people who still have the support and love of children, spouses, and/or dedicated partners mourning the loss of that one piece of the fabric of their life, whereas I feel more like I've lost an entire bolt of cloth.
But I remind myself that hurt is hurt; that we all process it differently; that I cannot know how anyone else feels; and that, really, this is not a competition, anyhow.
I'd rather none of us had anything to complain about.
(My fingers to God's ears?)
Hey you, just now seeing this. I love your blog no matter what you write cause i love you.
And i think you're still part of the tribe, just on hiatus. Who knows what the future may hold.
sofia
s-
you guys are seriously making me blush, here...
if it makes a difference, I don't feel the tribe has rejected me, I'm just uncomfortable being here.
Square Peg Syndrome, I guess...
you rock.
Thank you.
Yy
JZ... your writings have been, are and will be way more than a little bit of sex. They are insightful, funny, pensive and honest. While it was probably great to be part of the whole "sex blogger" (just wrote booger, is that a freudian slip, ya think?)- thing - I think your readership has more depth and sincerity of feeling than those individuals who seek a cheap thrill in a few words on the world wide web. While the whole nature of the internet connection seems still up for discussion - I believe people can forge real bonds through words and thoughts and experiences - many of which are common to many of us. Speaking from the Land of the Former Submissive (ex-BDSMer? s/m redux?), life goes on and at the core, you remain who you are - which is why your online buddies come here to chat. Not having a dominant at the moment does not impact in any or change who you are at your core. Keep on writing girl...
s-
more of the nice-thing-saying… goodness… thank you.
(and even if "booger" is a freudian slip, it's also a pretty danged accurate descriptor for how I'm feeling about sex these days, so I'll take it, by golly!!)
I certainly don't mean to disparage my readers (I really hope it hasn't come across that way) - my qualms have been more about me and how I feel dissociated here, wandering aimlessly among active, connected, mostly happy submissives. … I probably shouldn't even have brought the sex blogger side note into the conversation because it seems to have muddied the waters. In my mind, I was paralleling two distinct things and didn't register what my words conveyed when taken as a whole.
(Yet another reason proofreading matters!)
But I'm glad to know I have company I like so well here in the Land of the Former Submissives. Now we just need to reserve two rocking chairs on the veranda at the Home for Retired Kick-Ass Independent and Opinionated Subs and my future will be golden!
;-p
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