Let's Not Do That Again Soon

It wasn’t a particularly comfortable week here at casa de Jz…

Woes ran the gamut:

       stomach flu, agitated doctors, crashing networks, and a “talk” with my dom.

Well, not so much a talk. More like I yelled at him.

       Without actually yelling, of course.

              Because…, me.

In the general run of things, I have very little trouble telling people what I think or feel - but by nature, I am not confrontational. Blunt, occasionally tactless, and frequently oblivious, yes… but not confrontational. Disagreement is fine, but drama is not my thing.

But there was no way I could say what I needed to say without it being pretty clear that I considered him to have screwed up - which tends to make a person defensive, which makes me need to defend my viewpoint, and before you know it, you have a confrontation… and those often get ugly quick. 

Add onto that the fact that this was my dominant I was about to scold… 

Well, if you think that came easily, you’re living in a very different world than I inhabit. 

But things needed to be said.

So naturally, I fretted about “the talk” for three days ahead of time. (Which, btw, did not help produce a blood pressure reading to soothe my doctor’s soul.) Mentally rehearsing my words, anticipating his possible reactions, repeatedly exhorting myself to calmness…

There was no sleep in Jzville, I can tell ya.

As it turns out, however, the yucky conversation went well. We each said our piece, with no escalation, no drama (ok, maybe I did flail my arms and huff audibly at one point, but that passed quickly) and we both affirmed that we wanted to work on this, rather than end us.

I disliked every moment of it (except the hugging part at the end) but in a lot of ways, it was a good thing. Because this was actually the first time I've had to force a conversation like that - and that the process was unknown made it a scary thing. Not that it will ever be easy but at least now, we’ve got one successful head-butting under our belts and I can have a little more confidence the next time one rolls around.

Plus, ridiculous as this may sound, it was the first time we’ve actually verbalized commitment to our relationship. Mostly, we’ve just gone along happily without actually touching on the “C” word. And when you’ve never tested the strength of your relationship (and your partner is renowned as a Man of Few Words,) you cannot help but wonder (or at least, *I* cannot help but wonder) if he stays simply because it’s easy. You like to think that isn’t the case, but it’s uncharted territory, and what if you’re really just kidding yourself?

(Self-doubt, thy name is Jz)

So I was pretty happy that we survived it…

Conquered some of it, even.

Now if we can just resolve the original issue, the world will be a beautiful place!

Meanwhile, I think we should celebrate with cookies!