SP asked me the other night if I ever did vanilla sex anymore.
Well…, no. BG and I don't really do vanilla -- altho' every once in a while we'll skirt the edges. I suspect everyone has those times when there are no ropes, no toys, no pain, and no protocol… but even so, there has never not been control and submission. He is always in charge and I am always able to turn off my brain and simply follow the flow.
It occurred to me during that conversation that being allowed to just flow during sex is actually one of the biggest satisfactions I get from a BDSM relationship… because being submissive removes performance anxiety for me.
Now, that may seem counter-intuitive -- SP quizzed me about it at first, but let me explain…
I know there are still "performances" to be given in submission, but the difference is in where the expectations lie. My experience has been that vanilla sex is all wrapped up in preconceived ideas of structure and framework; what things you do, what things you don't. Even the experimentation feels rote -- press button A for reaction 1, button B for reaction 2…
This makes it feel mechanical to me, not organic at all.
Even worse, I feel faulted for how I react to something that doesn't feel natural. (Don't give me this, "Relax and go with it" bullshit… I am going with it, IT'S just not taking me where you think it "should"!)
With D/s, however, there is an inescapable current that carries you along in a scene - you ebb and flow, maybe even bobble over to the shoals for a bit, but you don't lose your place. There's no stress, no anxiety, you simply have to be in the moment.
Sure, I am required to behave within certain parameters, but those behaviors are things that I can control. They are expectations of what I will do, not how I will react. If I need to struggle, that's okay.
My reactions themselves are allowed to just… flow.
And that acceptance makes all the difference in the world.
(To my world, at least.)
6 comments:
"Well…, no. BG and I don't really do vanilla -- altho' every once in a while we'll skirt the edges. I suspect everyone has those times when there are no ropes, no toys, no pain, and no protocol… but even so, there has never not been control and submission. He is always in charge and I am always able to turn off my brain and simply follow the flow."
Yes, same with us. Sometimes it is not elaborate, but he's still in charge and it never feels vanilla.
a-
I knew there had to be others! :-p
It is interesting how it can be so much the same as vanilla and yet feel so very, very different.
Hmmm.
Sex without toys, is just sex without play...maybe that is vanilla, never thought of it that way.
Interesting point, that D/s is something you can control because you control the behvaiour of the expectation being fulfilled. That ebb and flow, when it does flow is lovely.
Just because there are no toys etc doesn't make it vanilla. Things are the same around here, the M/D/s thing never leaves this relationship.
...I was being on the side of sarcasm.
Jz: This is a really thoughtful post and I loved your last two paragraphs. I agree, the acceptance and the allowance of being matters so much. Sorry if my previous comment was crass.
J-
Glad you agree.
(you can suspect you have company but it's nice to know it.)
:-)
B-
Not crass at all… and I didn't feel any sarcasm.
But I was having a little trouble framing a response, so I'll just say "thank you" for comment #2 and smile pleasantly, shall I? ;-p
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