GB Asks, "Why BDSM?"

A fair question, GB.

Altho’ I’m tempted to quibble a bit over the wording, as this way makes it sound as though BDSM was a deliberate decision, picked at random from among many options. That simply isn’t the case. Instead, it was a realization of preferences - and the only decision involved was whether to act upon those preferences or ignore them.

The decision itself never seemed that big of a deal to me - but the realization was certainly unexpected. Unpleasant tropes abound around BDSM and many of them do not illustrate the kind of person most of us want to believe ourselves to be. So if you can’t see past the stereotypes, moving forward would be a difficult (if not downright frightening) decision to make - but if you consider your reasons as individual components, going BDSM feels a lot less outrageous.

So, even if there was no struggle, I did have to think about it a little bit first. 

(Raise your hand if you’re surprised by that…)

Here’s how it boils down for me.

1- First, there’s the physical component: 

 “A pulpy novel I read long ago offered, "Your body doesn't know right or wrong, it just knows what it likes." Something to remember.” 

My body likes intense sensation. Soft touches, while pleasant and relaxing, are not arousing for me. Not all of my parts are particularly sensitive, so I require a firmer, rougher touch to spark desire. Plus, I’m not overly involved with my body - I’m far too busy skipping around in my mind to notice much that’s going on, really. (Which, yes, men hate.) So, to be able to bring me fully into the sensory “here and now” calls for means that really get my attention. 

Intense sensation does that. Ratcheting up the input, pushing it farther and farther, both pleases my body and makes me interested in staying attentive within it. Keep that momentum going, increase that sensation right over the edge into pain, and you’ve pushed me into that heady space where I just want to growl in pleasure. (And maybe tussle…)

In the heat of battle, that progression of sensation is what feeds my arousal.

There are limits, of course. Past a certain point, pain for pain’s sake is no longer arousing - but that’s when submission takes over for me… Pain itself may no longer be erotic but that place where it has brought me? The sweet, melting heat of knowing you’re giving your dominant something he wants and needs, something that no one else gives…? That is a HUGE turn on. 

2- Which brings us to the partner component:

It’s not so much that I want “a” dominant, it’s more that I want to find someone who is able to dominate me (and then have a relationship with him!) This one may be tricky to unpick, tho', so bear with me.

My submission does not express itself as a deep-seated need to serve…

        what I like is to be challenged.

However, I don’t find it easy to meet people who can challenge me. That’s not meant in any braggish kind of way, it’s simply that people are different and not everyone delights in the kind of push/pull interactions that let me identify when someone is capable of..., not necessarily winning, exactly, but of staying with me - of not falling behind, of keeping me on my toes.

Without that ability to challenge, sadly, I’m, well…, sort of bored.

Which doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy people, but it does mean I won’t be intrigued enough to pursue a relationship into the realm of something more meaningful if that facet is lacking. After all, if I did, I would have to keep myself on my toes - and where’s the fun in that? But if you can challenge me, I can relax with you. (Contradictory tho’ that may seem at first glance.)

In and of itself, the ability to challenge me doesn’t make someone a dominant, of course. But there haven’t been a lot of men in my life who could achieve that… yet every one of the few who managed it has been some manner of dominant. And if you have successfully demonstrated that you can challenge me, that ignites something inside me that wants to prove that I’m worthy of being challenged. (Which, in return, seems to be rewarding to dominants. So, win/win!)

The distinction is that I’m not looking for someone who can make me do what they want, but that I'm hoping to find someone capable of eliciting in me the desire to do as they want. I want to respond to his challenges, both for his sake and mine.

Because he has tapped into the part of me that wants to please him because I can. 

Because he wants me to. 

Because interacting like that makes us each, somehow, more.

One last component we can’t overlook:

The simple fact is that I’ve always liked sex better when it’s spiced with a hint of the forbidden. 

I don’t disagree with the view of sex as something healthy and natural, but that wholesome, “oh yes, let’s fuck, that is very nice indeed” viewpoint is not a turn-on for me, either. 

I don’t think sex itself is naughty, but I like my sex to be a bit naughty - to push into the “edgy” realms.

So, basically, GB…?

It's less of a decision than it might appear. :-)

Any more questions?

Bueller…? Bueller…?