This one is kind of an abstruse ponder, and nothing that really needs an answer even, but much in the way that greengirl got wondering about how doms truly feel about subs, I got wondering about our wants, needs, and desires in this world of BDSM -- how mutable are they, really?
I'm not talking here about the normal fluctuations of degree that are built into every relationship. What I'm pondering are the inherent, foundational definitions we all carry within our heads.
Just how granular do these things get?
For example, BG likes bondage, dominance, and sadism… but does he express those things differently with me than he has with previous subs? Are there particular actions he has to take to satisfy those needs? Or could an entirely different set of behaviors quench those urges, instead?
Is the devil in the details or the overarching theme?
It's a bit of an odd question to ponder, I realize, because every relationship changes and grows, just as every new relationship is different from the ones that came before. So there will always be some degree of fluctuation and change -- I get that. It can also be a bit tricky to pick apart the threads of wants and needs, because you can only go so long with having your wants neglected before satisfying at least some of them becomes a need. They are distinct, yet entwined.
I think it's this very complexity that makes me so curious, tho'. It makes me wonder about what this all really looks like at the deepest level, beneath the snarls and tangles - at the place where our definitions live.
Do we enjoy domination and submission in whatever form our relationship gives it?
Or do we need very specific behaviors to quiet the voices?
10 comments:
Hmm..interesting questions. I do not know, but my gut or instinct is telling me it is the domination that we need.....the specifics that we want, add to the enjoyment....maybe??
hugs abby
My threads are so tangled at the moment--I can't really distinguish between my own wants and needs and with him there is no difference--, there is no way in seven Hades I could give an answer to your pondering. I heart how you think in this though.
Does it have to be one or the other? Maybe it's a little of both??
Now I have to go think...
Yep, I'm out here thinking too. Although, I think that I think some of it is me and some of it is what's offered. So spanking is always, rope and nipple clamps and floggers are options. And I have no idea how it works for them. Great question though.
a-
Well, our guts don't usually lie to us. :-)
The answer is, of course, bound to be different for every person so I can't say I think there's one big "Right (or Wrong) Answer" -- but I do think it's worth thinking about.
B-
oh, I'm so glad you heart the thinking! :-)
M-
That's certainly the tempting answer… yet when I squint at it up close, the two seem inherently contradictory… (As well as quite likely to co-exist despite it all!)
l-
I'm sorry if I made your brain hurt… ;-p
(take some chocolate, it will help!)
s-
Oh, you can't fool me… I suspect you were already thinking!
On a more serious note, it does seem that for you, a lot of it is you, yes.
Seems like a useful thing to pin down, tho', no?
(and what a grammatically interesting set of sentences THAT is!)
Ha, Jz. There you go with your little noggin - think, thunk, think!
"[Needs/wants] are distinct, yet entwined."
Think about as an abacus. A good dom will slot in a sub's minus bead (needs/wants) to balance the sum. Some needs/wants sooner than others but eventually the arithmetic gets evened out.
Let's get back to that butt plug....!
Dear One-Track Mind,
So, the thrill of dominance for you is in doing Chinese math?
I'm teasing -- I have experienced this long-term balancing, so I do know what you're saying.
I don't mean it to sound like I don't realize how much personalization goes on in every relationship.
I guess what I was wondering was more along the lines of how you might pre-set your own abacus. Is it all based on how you manipulate her beads, or are there some beads you glue to the dowel? (<<further insight into why I suck at math… ;-p)
Haha!
Basically it boils down to this: I have needs/wants - supposed or otherwise. She takes care of those as instructed. That's half of what she wants/needs. If I'm paying *attention*, her other half will get sorted with various approaches. Attention. Praise. Compliments (sometimes - okay, most of the time - with backhanded negs - but all in good fun). A good cuddle or hug when's she's flipping out and sometimes when she's not. The latter sort is mostly manipulative, to be honest. It lets her think she's finally tamed the beast. But she really doesn't want that. Et cetera.
It's a complex dynamic that looks one-sided on the surface yet is anything but(t)! ;) (See I ended up there again. I always do!)
D-
"A Man Who Always Gets To The End, In The End"?
I'm a bit saddened to hear the non-crisis hugs described as manipulative… you're just determined not to leave me ANY illusions about the male of the species, aren't you?
::she trudges off, dejected::
;-p
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