This ramble brought to you courtesy of Dubs, who's been pondering ageism over in the comments section... ;-D It probably won't ring a whole lot of bells out there in reader-land but I've been thinking about it, so I'm going to share, nonetheless!
Much like my father before me (and his mother before him,) I'm largely unfazed by growing older. There are moments, of course, when time whaps you upside the head as it rushes past, but for the most part, I trundle along happily, taking the changes in stride and not worrying too much about them all.
One change, however, is a bit hard to come to terms with:
Becoming invisible to the men of my own demographic.
Being a single-yet-hopeful woman of middle-age is not for the faint of heart, let me tell you.
The men that you've always considered to be members of your dating pool become less and less likely to notice that you're treading water right there next to them, because they're far too busy eye-balling the women two pools down.
This discouraging fact is particularly evident in the online dating arena, where initial meetings are virtual and prospective dates cannot see how your eyes twinkle or that you move with a fluid grace… (Clearly I'm not describing myself here, but you get the idea.) Nope, online, your hope tends to lie in pictures and numbers… and sheer dumb luck.
It's not a total loss, of course, Being summarily eliminated because of age takes care of having to weed out the shallow men -- they've already done that that for you. But conversely, it is frustrating not to be given even a chance to dazzle with a sparkling personality! (;-p) After all, it's one thing to not really enjoy a party, but we'd all like to be at least let into the room, to circulate a bit and make up our own minds about whether we want to stay or not.
It may sound ridiculous if you've never had to run this particular gamut, but that was one of the things about BG that most impressed me from the start - that he was looking within in his own pool. Because at the time we met, he was newly-single (at not quite a year,) and fifty … tall, trim, intelligent, and good looking. On the surface, he was someone you'd expect to see browsing in the 30-something chicky-babe range that most of his compatriots head for. So I was a bit stunned that he chose to approach this tall, pudgy, kinda plain, and very lippy 49-year old. Pleased, but stunned.
Had he not noticed the part that said I was nearly his own age?
Apparently, he had, however, and it didn't matter-- because he found me "intriguing" and considered it "refreshing to find someone with a personality."
w00t!! He's not a cliche!!!
Now, don't get me wrong - I'm not saying that age differences are bad or that everyone should stay strictly within their own age bracket. That would be silly and incorrect. After all, I myself have had beaux ranging from 29 years older to 12 years younger. People fit together in the darndest combinations and that's fantastic.
Nor am I saying all guys do this -- obviously they don't.
But there is a definite tendency…
And being invisible…?
That part is hard.
6 comments:
Well, thank you very much for putting me in the crusty, ol' curmudgeon corner, Jz.! ;)
The problem is not the middle aged, female beauties - such as yourself - out there; it's, as you allude, the meat market of the internet. Go to England or France - outside of the big cities and into villages and hamlets. Sure the internet has changed the 'dating' scene somewhat, but in the main they still rely on face-to-face interaction in their public houses or cafes. In short, there's still a human scale to their lives.
Where's my proof of such scale? Breadth of vocabulary. That comes from either two things, imo. Reading and talking. Involving oneself in a face-to-face conversation where pithiness, transparency, and even wit are valued. That happens much more over there than here. (Although it used to valued down here - the South - we've pretty much lost it.)
And that's insidious problem of the internet/telecommunications - and even, I might add - the transportation revolution of 50's and 60's (1950's, etc. - Not that I remember it!) A person or child or lover or working colleague appear close. They seem near, but they're not.
Life is tangible despite my curmudgeon comments on your hugging post. Love and personalities are tactile.
D-
If you really feel I put you in the curmudgeon corner, I apologize. That certainly wasn't my intent, because it isn't how I feel.
I will agree that the internet has exacerbated the problem, but I cannot agree that the issue didn't exist before the then. I've spent just about the same amount of time dating before it arrived on the scene as I have since, and the invisibility of age has been a topic of discussion among my female circle all along. (Many of whom were Eastern European, so you can't claim cultural bias there, either. -- "You must secure a man while you're still young and pretty, my darling, because they don't look at us once that's gone…")
You are right, however, that the issue is somewhat mitigated by genuine human interaction. As I said, the twinkle of an eye or fluidity of movement both can and do have an impact. The fact remains, however, that someone actually has to stop to talk to you in order for them to notice these details, and that can be the sticking point. (And I refuse to lower myself to tripping them! ;-p)
What you say has a does have a timeless, universal element to it: older men looking for the fountain of youth in younger gals.
(I used to know a bunch of Greeks. I remember after a few cocktails with the distaff side of the family, several double entendre jokes, and the older matriarch would always insist, 'we Greek women know how to keep our men!' (I don't think she knew the half of it, but that's another story.))
Rest assured, though, there are many men out there who appreciate intellect, personality and honed looks (that's my favorite term for a woman in 40's or 50's who has kept herself as best she can). What man in his right mind wants to go through a second or third iteration of all the body image angst and youthful insecurities which seem to plague younger women - even bright, mature gals?
Think about it this way: you're visible to those who are worth your (and his) time, and, thankfully, invisible to those who aren't. Half or more of your 'work' is done for you. Like I keep saying, time's our most precious thing. And, by that I mean, the time we spend with others in our lives.
D-
Agreed. :-)
It's more one of those things that irritates me on general principles than because I actually want any of those shallow men chasin' after me. (Altho' SP would enjoy it - he does love to watch me sail into the unsuspecting…)
Once you get to a certain age (by that I mean 'ripe' - why do I keep bringing up time and age?!!), general principles matter less and less. Maybe not on the larger, social scale, but interpersonal stuff!
Onward.
:-D
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