Another hodgepodge of colliding thoughts...
Greengirl had a post a while back about her initial discomfiture over the fact that D/s the way she and her husband experience it didn't quite fit into the popular ideas of how this all works.
She got past it but her post made me start thinking about people's fixation on rules. It's an understandable obsession. Rules exist as a way for us to reach a goal. They create structure and procedure and protocol, and give us a starting point when we don't know where to begin.
The problem I see with rules, however, is that we often focus more on the formula than on the end goal.
For example - I was once whupping a friend at a strategy game. He got very frustrated, so I gave him a couple of tips. In the next game, he followed these "rules" to the letter. Well, I wiped the floor with him yet again. He literally pouted and said, "You said if I did this, I'd win!"
"No, I said those things could give you an advantage. You still have to pay attention to the situation." He was so focused on those tactics that he totally ignored what was happening on the board.
A didactic insistence on rules has the possibility to strangle the life and spontaneity out of a situation. Of course, depending on the given goal, that may be exactly what you need. Many, many things should not be left up to individual interpretation. Nobody, after all, wants to drive where the rules of the road are "suggested". Rules do have their place in society.
But I think personal relationships call for personalized rules. (Or even better, let's call them guidelines.) We are all individuals, so each couple (or whatever unit you function within) only needs to be accountable to "What Works For Us". Some relationships need a lot of rules and negotiations. Some require very few. What we need to remember is that the rules do not validate the relationship, the outcome does.
Especially when you start factoring in lifestyle involvements. Popular lore would have it that D/s is awash with rules and dicta, but to my mind, there are really only two that are universal: The sub sumbits, the dom takes care of the sub. Other than these, there are an infinite number of ways to reach an infinite number of goals. We are still individuals that come together to form unique relationships.
Your results may vary...
So, forget the obsession with external standards. They're self-defeating, unnecessary, and far too easy to fall into.
Far more useful, I think, to gloss over the letter of the law and focus on the intent...
11 comments:
Your post gives rise to a number of thoughts.
First, the need for rules can also vary greatly from moment to moment and from one situation to the next, even within a given relationship or for any given individual. What makes the dynamic more complicated is that each partner may be more or less inclined to follow rules at any given moment. Trying to dance that dance requires lots of trust and lots of sacrifice on both sides of the equation.
Second, the key, in my mind, is balance. The key to many things.
Third, are you trying to say the rules of the road are mandatory? I better go back and study my DMV handbook!
Jz,
Wonderful post!
Hugs,
mouse
Jz,
I like your strategy game analogy. In fact, in a relationship, the object isn't to win or out strategerize the opponent, so having rules in that way is kind of backwards. You're right, in any group of people, everyone needs to know what is expected (drive on the right side of the street here, not either/or). Between onlyu a few people, or among only a few, much more tailoring is possible.
Jz: Yes, rules need to be sorted out between the dom and sub, for sure; what works for their particular relationship and no particular non-negotiable edict.
Having said that, a dom friend of mine loves to try to get into our conversations as often as he can (knowing that it will rile me somewhat...and he says he's not a sadist!!)...
"The dom is always right."
Of course, he is not always right (finally, I get to say this!!!!!) but I think the only hard as flint rule there may be is
'The dom is always right...even when he's not.'
Haha!
Good post! Reminds me of a post I did a while back called "How We Do This". The gist of it is there is no set way to have a D/s relationship, or any relationship for that matter. There is no rule book. Nothing says follow steps 1-10 in order, otherwise you can't have a D/s relationship.
Each and every couple and person has to figure out what works best for them. Take snipets from here and there of what you like and custom tailor your relationship. Make it what you want it to be, not what you think you others expect you to make it.
That is what is great about this. There is so much out there to see, learn, try and know. There are so many resources to give you ideas. These blogs are great as well. They give you a glimpse inside the life and minds of al sorts of people involved in this lifetsyle. Everyone does different things and enjoys different activities. That's what makes the world go around. :)
DV
Great post.
DT-
That degree of fluctuation would be one reason I prefer the term "guidelines."
(and if you find out I'm mistaken about the rules of the road, please notify me immediately. I know a way to get to work MUCH more quickly in the morning...)
mouse-
Thank you!
gg-
You're right about the object not being a "win."
Altho' I have known some who never seemed to learn that...
V-
We really must write that post someday.
But yes, you nailed it. :-)
DV-
Thank you.
I promise, any plagarization was purely unintentional. (As I've said before, I'm a lousy back-reader.)
And yes, variety is indeed the spice of life. (In all it's varying degrees of heat.)
H-
Thank you and welcome.
The sub submits
The Dom takes care of the sub
TY JZ!
sfp
sfp-
YW :-)
insightful post JZ (as usual!)- totally agree with everything you say pretty well. Actually, a friend (morningstar of the (various) Journey) has experienced exactly what you describe here. Her insights are coming hard and fast as she processes the end of a 9-year passionate and committed D/s dynamic. One of the conclusions she came to was exactly what you say - STOP worrying about externally applied rules and figure out what works for YOUR specific dynamic - because when all is said and done, the only thing that matters is what matters to the people in that relationship.
s-
I was fortunate to have learned that early with SP - but I will admit that there were a couple of relationships where I ignored what I'd learned. And paid the price.
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