Decisions, Decisions...

Which picks up with me pondering the question of whether I should get off the rollercoaster or remain patient with BG...

It really did take quite a bit of thinking.

I thought about what I had known about his availability right from the start. I reminded myself that the HUGE 24-month project that consumes his time was more than two-thirds complete. (Cleverly, I met BG within a few short weeks of it's beginning. ) I repeated to myself, "The end IS in sight..."

I reflected on the reasons I'd entered into this relationship.

I thought about how very much I like him and how nothing of what he's actually doing is bad. He's not out cattin' around or home on his couch. He's putting in 12-18 hour days, spending time with his kids, and trying to keep up with life maintenance, two houses, and multiple cars on the weekends. While still trying to find his post-separation feet amid the chaos.

I also thought back to hellacious times in my life when I've been over-extended and recalled how even the bare minimum of effort often seemed impossible.

The end result was Decision Part One: We warranted a grace period.
One in which I would continue to roll with the situation until a couple of months after the Big Project is over. (We'll allow for a little recovery time, too...) Barring major changes by either party, we're a lock 'til then. At which point we'll revisit and regroup.
Fine.

But a funny thing happened while I was working out my mad at him.
As I picked apart the underpinnings of the relationship, I gradually became aware of how inconsistent my own behavior was, as well. I was telling him I would go with the flow but I wasn't letting go of my expectations, either. I know he has no more room on his plate right now and WISIWIG. I know it, I said it, I believed it. But I wasn't acting on it. I realized that I was just as responsible as he was for the rollercoaster. I could say "grace period" 'til I was blue in the face, but if I didn't change my mindset, the ride would remain the same.
Time to either shut up or start walking the walk.

Basically, it was the slut issue that was hanging me up. It can be really hard to drop your defenses and let the slut shine through when you want to be more than that.
I like being "My girlfriend, the slut."
I do NOT want to be, "This slut I'm fucking every fourth Wednesday." 
Reconciling that distinction in a relationship where he only has time for you every fourth Wednesday is tricky, however. I was so doggedly determined to maintain a balance between girlfriend and fucktoy that I ended up rigging my own scales.

Realistically, he's never been anything other than highly appreciative of me as a person. I'm not just the fucktoy ... but he expresses that in his own terms, not mine. I need to learn how to hear what he's saying, not wait for him to use my magic words.

That resistance to slut-hood hampered me in another way, as well. Even though I adore being his fucktoy, I was holding back. Not during scenes but at all other times. I wouldn't let S-girl come out and play. She couldn't instigate naughty cyber-playfulness, or indulge in the mischief of planning fashion surprises for him. She had to sit tight, lest she be taken advantage of...
Really, I let my fear of disparity effect the amount of enjoyment I was getting out of the relationship.

Once I saw that, the silliness of it slapped me right upside the head.
Circumstances are forcing us to half-ass in a good portion of the relationship right now and I have no choice but to accept that. However, I am damn well not going to half-ass the rest of it, too! I'm here to learn and experience and experiment and enjoy. Get a move on, woman!

So, Decision Part II was that I will ride the coattails of that grace period, myself. I'll stop trying to channel the direction of the relationship. I won't fret about being taken for granted. I'll just take the pressure off of both of us by sitting back, relaxing, and seeing where we end up come fall.

I'm still anxious that this won't turn into what I'm hoping for once he gets time, of course, and leery that things will come crashing down around my ears at a later date. But this is my chance and I intend to take full advantage of it. I'm going to suck all the fun I can out the relationship, while I can.
Even if we don't ride off into the sunset, I will know I've lived.

Which is really kinda the biggest thing worth knowing.

Next time on As The Decision Evolves, find out how this is working out for me!  Stay tuned...  :-)