One of my friends here in BlogLand is a part of a happily married couple who have expanded their world to include TTWD. We've had more than one discussion about our differences in approach toward the issues that concern us.
Having a solid marriage, she has great faith in their relationship but worries how to integrate D/s into it's structure. I, on the other hand, had reservations about getting involved with a separated man but was determined to seize my chance to experience submission with him. So, for me, the D/s is the solid part and the emotional commitment is the work in progress.
Now, every couple treads a forked path of love and lust - two emotions that don't always go hand in hand. Sometimes they merge together to form one wide track but sometimes they diverge into two solid yet distinct trails. So my situation doesn't surprise me. What I'm discovering, tho', is that the addition of D/s seems to put another tine on the fork. And that IS confuzzling.
The trust and intimacy of the power exchange, in fact, seem to create a DMZ of blurred feelings; a middle ground where you can reap the benefits of each emotion without being fully committed to either. Lust is seasoned by trust, emotions flare with heat, yet distance can be maintained. I am subsumed by the Dom while still cautious with the man.
The transfer of control appears to be the key to the existence of this middle ground. Initially, before his control was a given, this area did not exist. As I deferred to him however, a brave new world began to emerge beneath my feet.
Currently, he has the control of my body and we share an intimacy that mirrors one created by love. But I still maintain control over my heart. While I hold that, this new land is my turf.
The interesting thing, however, is that I suspect when that final control is also conceded, the DMZ will collapse in on itself, no longer needed, and only the two original paths will remain.
Of course, this reaction may be unique to me. Maybe it's simply another way of manifesting detachment, I don't know. What I do know is that I feel committed to him, bound not by love or lust, but by this brand new thing that is neither, yet with elements of both.
In a situation that would ordinarily have me running for the hills, no less.
It's disconcerting, yet it feels totally right.
*shakes head*
It's a good thing I'm used to life in left field... :-)
6 comments:
I love your insight and your analogy, they both work for me. I would also add, however, that new relationships tend to be a whole lot of weird wired things that, once we settle in, lose some luster. In my own particular case, I feel some of the earth shifting beneath our feet as my wife succumbs more to my lead, and it is very satisfying, and also gives our relatively old (3 years plus) relationship a new feeling to it, that dizzying yet elusive melding of two personalities into, even if briefly, one.
I can't imagine - in the sense that I really wouldn't have thought of such a thing. But it's a brilliant description, and insight. Also - it's very hopeful, which is nice,
I agree with what you wrote, as I too had never really thought of it that way. You are correct that in any relationship you have love and lust, usually more lust on the front end, and developing into the love aspect. Yes, D/s does add a whole new tyne to the fork, and a whole new aspect to the relationship. I think you will find over time, that all three will combine into one big collage, and will be the most satisfying and intense relationship you could ever have imagined, no less had.
DV
DT-
You're absolutely right that new relationships always feel a bit different, just by virtue of what they are. Additionally, his schedule hasn't allowed for a lot of time together which makes it even more quirky. But even taking all that into account, this one is still unlike anything I've experienced before. (Which I take as a good thing!)
gg-
I'm glad you saw the hope. It's the one thing that bothered me a bit about this post, that the underlying faith I have in this relationship might not come through. It's a slow boat to China at times but that's the only way it stands a chance of working out. So, that's what we do...
DV-
Welcome.
Yes, I'm working for the collage moment, I must admit... :-D
You're definitely not alone in those feelings. It's pretty much how I felt early on in my relationship with Asha.
*hugs*
turiya (a.k.a spirited)
t-
Well, I used to figure that if I feel something, most people do, too. But after getting a few of those, "you are too weird, lady" looks, I've learned to qualify my statements...
Glad to know I'm not alone.
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