You often hear people say they love the intimacy created by D/s. I've read it, Diety mentioned it in a comment last week, and I know BG says it's the thing he likes best about having a sub.
I would not argue that he and I have an deep intimacy between us, despite our sporadic and infrequent contacts, but it has occurred to the n00b to wonder if this is the chicken or the egg.
Are we intimate in our submission or are we submissive in our intimacy? (I'll just speak from my side of the table but take it as given that the same question holds for dominants.)
I remember the first evening I spent with SP. There may have been some sizzle in the air but we weren't acting on anything. Instead, we were just having a great time, getting to know each other. I particularly remember the feeling of looking at him across the Othello board and thinking, "I think I can actually be myself with this guy!" For the first time in my life, I felt like I'd finally coming home.
It was that feeling of closeness that let me open myself up and give myself over to him. (The very next day, I blush to say.) There were no spankings or ropes but it was a pretty complete submission. Just come to by a different angle and called by a different name back then.
It was a similar experience with BG. Being older and more battle-scarred, we pussy-footed around for longer and we're both taking one step backward for every two we go forward. But still, that sense of a bond was there well before the bindings began.
So I'm batting a thousand in favor of "submissive in intimacy" for Jz.
I suppose the answer to my question could also depend on how you view intimacy. Is it an actual closeness with that person, or a combination of trust and willingness to go no-holds-barred?
I'm sure it works differently for us all. But still... Not every sub wants every dom and vice-versa. Sure, mostly that has to do with the complex combination of attraction, chemistry, and respect. But couldn't intimacy be part of that mix, too?
If you don't feel there's potential for intimacy, would you still go forward with a new partner? Or would you proceed in the hopes that your interaction would bring the intimacy?
3 comments:
To me, you're talking about what can be a potentially DANGEROUS thing - submission DOES bring with it that feeling of intimacy .. but whether or not it is justified and appreciated is the crux. I think the very nature of acquiesence brings a vulnerability and that feeling of intimacy is engendered by almost a need to feel that yoru submission will be acknwoledged, cherished and received with a commensurate caring.
Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
To me submitting is such a pivotal, all encompassing thing tht I would HAVE to know there was a STRONG basis for being able to trust - and as such, would need to have ALREADY established a strong bond with the individual to whom I wished to submit.
Yes submission does yield more intimacy, but there must be some trust in that mix as well. I've learned I can tell Omega all my dark, dark secrets and he wouldn't leave (I was afraid he would, if he knew the truth). That said, i can also share with him my darkest weirdest fantasy and know I'm still safe.
Yes, there is attraction, chemistry and respect but there also needs to be a lot of trust, because I think that's where the real intimacy comes from. I believe that since I have shared my damaged emotions with Omega we have grown more close, more intimate because I no longer had to hide.
Just my 2¢
mouse
Yes, I knew I was over-simplifying a complex matter but I did so on purpose, to highlight the point. I was intrigued by the fact that everywhere I'd read this, it was always phrased along the lines of "the submission creates intimacy." I simply wasn't sure that was always the line of progression and wondered what others thought.
selkie, you're oh-so-right that you need to feel your submission will be cherished. I cannot imagine sticking my neck out like that if I didn't believe what I offered was valued. Our submission is not given lightly and to profer your soul like that and have it dismissed would be ghastly. I feel all grey and wallow-y just thinking about it.
mouse, it is indeed a great blessing to feel you don't have to hide. Onward and upward, young mouse! Hopefully your secrets didn't seem quite so dark to you after sharing.
It amazes me how we can be so judgmental of ourselves, so understanding of our loved ones, and so totally uncomprehending of the fact that they'll probably extend that understanding back to us. Someone smack us, please.
(oh, wait...)
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