Before last Christmas, my most recent growth spurt had consisted of learning how to live with no one around as a safety net. So when I began this next stage of my journey, I knew it could prove interesting to see how I responded to giving up control. To go from learning to stand tall on my own to practicing submission promised to be a challenge.
What I found though, is that knowing I can be independent frees me from the imperative to fight for control. There's less fear that I may be weak because I have already shown myself that I'm strong. Maybe I couldn't have gone down this road before learning this, I don't know. However it happened, I'm glad that I'm able to feel fairly comfortable pursuing something that can be so difficult to accept about yourself.
Granted, my efforts are undoubtedly made easier by the fact that BG and I prefer to keep the D/s more situational. We are not 24/7. By mutual agreement, he is Sir, not Master; I am the slut, not the slave. Our power exchange is more a series of renewable leases. I hand over the keys when he comes through the door, he hands them back when he leaves. It works for us.
Which is why I was surprised when I discovered that some of the control I've given to him has decided to stay where it is. I didn't realize that was even an option! But unbeknownst to me, a defection occurred. Specifically, by my libido. Not that I ever had strong control over it, I grant you, but there was a connection, a certain boolean flow between my mind and my desire. (And, Or, NOT!) No longer, however. That particular function has totally abjured any sense of allegiance to me and gone right over to the BG camp. If he says anything (even "hey there",) it's All Systems Go. Me? I can talk until I'm blue in the face - nada. zilch. nichevo.
This hasn't happened by design. BG is not an orgasm-control freak. He may tease me to distraction while we're together but he's not into denial, nor have there been any rules set out about, er, toy-usage when he's not around. So there is no real reason why life cannot carry on the way it always has before. But it doesn't. He's become a necessary element. With him around, I am a wriggling puppy. Without him, nothing wants to come out and play.
It seems my body has become a partisan.
Strangely, I don't seem to mind... :-)
7 comments:
Funny how that works... isn't it?
spirited
how cool is that? I find the mind fascinating, truly I do and always a mystery!
I think you're happy about that, right?! It sounds like 'togetherness' and you know what a crackpot I am about that!
"Your body doesn't know right or wrong, it just knows what it likes"
I can't remember where I read this?!? but I like it. Of course its deeper than that, this time your mind is in on the treason as well.
spirited-
Apparently so. I just never knew before. It's never happened previously, even in other very close relationships. I mean, you always kind of tune out other guys for anything other than casual glances but I've never had even fantasies impacted before.
Not complaining, just noting an oddity.
selkie-
It IS really cool. And intriguing. Especially since I sort of tripped over the discovery, mid-shuffling around in blissful oblivion. It's gonna be fun to watch where things go from here... *grins*
Miz Vesta-
Yes, I am happy about it. (And I don't think there's a dang thing crackpot about wanting people to be happy! It's one of the things we love about you.)
gg-
Well, I'm laughing out loud. My rough draft of this post actually included the following:
"Remember that quote a while back about how the body doesn't know right or wrong, it just knows what it likes? Well, I'm thinking it would be more accurate to say that, "the body doesn't care about anything except what it likes." And mine apparently likes BG."
That got cut in the re-work. But I should have known...
And yes, the surprise was that it was so much deeper this time, that all parts of me are in collusion. But I'm enjoying the heck out of it, so collude away!
Loved the line about you're like a wiggling puppy around him.
At least you know what your body likes. Enjoy.
FD
FD-
*grins*
Thank you. It seemed apt...
(yup, still grinning)
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