This isn't particularly related to this thing we do but I was thinking the other day about the lost art of flirting. I'm not sure if the loss is due to fear of harassment claims, if it's an unfortunate step-child of feminism, or just (my fear) part of the general decline of social mores but, whatever the cause, very few people flirt well anymore. And I for one feel the loss.
I'm not talking about heavy-handed sexual innuendo, or impertinent comments. Flirting is neither sexual nor vulgar. Rather, flirting is a fun exchange that lifts the participant's spirits. Flirting in the proper sense is nothing but a light-hearted expression of appreciation. It's a delicate, nuanced approach that opens the door to an acquaintance, not a bedroom.
Nor does flirting have to be restricted to your gender of choice. One of the most proficient flirts I've ever had the pleasure to watch was an old-school Eastern European woman. Her flirting could charm the pants off almost any man but she was equally adept at using it to make another woman relax and feel welcomed. Flirting was simply her way of saying, "How very nice to see you!"
But, alas, our understanding of social niceties has become muddled.
Even though I'm a tech and a devoted blogger, I blame the internet for much of this.
For one thing, any bonehead can post "advice" and some fool will follow it. My online dating site has posted a list of Top Ten Ways To Flirt With A Man. It includes "Use suggestive language."
First off, NO! That's not flirting. Flirting hints, it doesn't beat you on the head with a 2 x 4.
Secondly, Yuck! Suggestive with a total stranger? I think not. I'll keep my self-respect, thank you very much.
But even more to the point, the distance inherent in online relationships has loosened the strictures of etiquette. Interpersonal skills have gone down the toilet as people spend less and less time looking into the eyes of the person they're addressing. Instead, we invest our time in interactions with people we wouldn't know if we stepped on. (Like us!)
In one way, this is good because that distance shields us and allows us to speak our minds more freely. But in another way, it's quite harmful. We are not vested in the relationship, so there is no fear of embarrassment or censure. In fact, it's easy to forget that the person we're addressing is a living, breathing human with (hello?!) feelings. It fosters a de-humanization that can result in stunning rudeness.
(Never by US, however!)
I am saddened by the decline of civility. But I truly mourn the passing of flirting.
8 comments:
sighs,I miss it too JZ... as you point out it is not blatant, nor rude, nor impregnated with vulgarity - it is just FUN ... and yeah, I miss it a lot! There was an innocent fun about it that wouldn't leave you wondering or worrying that you were giving the wrong impression or suggesting that you were offering more than you planned.. it was just an acknowledgement of someone's attractiveness (and not even physically necessarily, but truly, the personality).
I agree that flirting is a lot art. Too bad we can;'t get it back.
Foreplay is another lost art for many people.
FD
Yes, delightful banter is missing in this day and age. That is truly a shame. The opportunity to stoke the flame of attraction has been co-opted by this vast mental speed dating that leaps to conclusion and reduces people to a collection of interchangeable parts.
I think you may find this observation interesting as well.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/03/opinion/03brooks.html?hpw
I did not know it was a lost art. However in hindsight you must be right because I thought I had been flirting with you shamelessly for weeks now.
Alas I just resolved now...to try harder.
Sometimes, if you're lucky, it will be like our moms always said: take the first step and people will respond. Not everyone will, some will mis-understand, some will be put off, and some won't recognize it at all, but some will be so thrilled you took that step, and respond in kind. Then the ball will start rolling the other way.
s-
It's true. Today you almost don't dare settle in to enjoy it, you have to stay so guarded against misinterpretation.
FD-
Fortunately, I've had less experience with that misguided portion of the population! Hopefully this will continue...
CD-
That was really interesting!
Horribly depressing to the singleton but interesting. :-)
Sir J-
I accept your correction. "Dying" art would be better. Because there are still fine practitioners out there, we (she says humbly) are just fewer and farther between.
And I could point out my chagrin that I have been shamelessly flirting back and yet it appears to have gone unnoticed by YOU.
But I find myself too distracted by your final sentence.
I can't get past the "Wheeee!!" ringing in my head. ;-)
gg-
you're right. All it takes is a little effort. There just needs to be more of us doing it!
Sir J is quite right. It is alive and well. Why, all those compliments, all that witty banter and 'as you wish' stuff. If that's not flirting, what is? And, amen to that!
flirting is really a great art! it is not easy to flirt. i mean to flirt good!!!i read the article where 4 levels of flirting were described. and i found myself to be just a beginner then. lol!
http://mustbebest.blogspot.com/
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