On Walking Alone

Something I read on Submissive Guide got stuck in my head.
A new sub wrote that she could feel her Dom changing her - and that others had noticed the changes and their feedback wasn't positive.

It got me thinking how isolating this whole lifestyle experience can be, particularly to new subs. It removes us from the milieu in which we're used to functioning and most of us flounder until we find our feet.

I suspect a number of people will read this and want to focus on the subject of the sub's allegience and to whom she should be listening.
But I'd really like us to bracket that, please.
This is not a consideration of procedure or right and wrong.
Instead, it's a musing on feeling -- the feeling of being cut off from life as you know it and how lonely it can feel as you adjust to your new reality.

No gender bias intended, but it seems that the majority of subs are female. And while there are always exceptions, most women tend to utilize a decision-making process that is much more socialized than most men's. (You know this. Why else the standing joke about how women can't even go to the public restrooms alone?)

To women, our friends are a support sytem, a second line of defense that may catch something we ourselves failed to notice. We want to hear what they say, in order to be more confident we have weighed all the possible ramifications of our decision. So even if we don't always take our friend's advice, we do have the habit of always considering it.

When you enter into TTWD, tho', you throw a wrench into that support system. Few of us, after all, share the details of what we're doing. Rather, we adopt a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, make sure our clothing covers the bruises, and just side-step entire key elements of our relationships.

This is fine as long as we're happy and our friends are happy that we're happy.

But things rarely stay warm and fuzzy. At some point, there will be a hiccup and our friends will have a concern and will offer input. This is where it gets tricky, because the habits and inclinations of a lifetime now fail us. We begin the process of evaluation that we have always used before and immediately stub our toes.

We know our friends don't have all the information but we have no intention of filling them in. They're going to call it as they see it, yet we know they don't see it ALL.
Which means that before we weigh their advice, we first have to filter and re-examine it in light of the missing pieces.
And then:
  assess how those missing pieces might alter the given opinion,
  consider if our friend has a valid point or is just resisting change,
  examine our own fears of losing an important piece of ourselves,
  remind ourselves of the equally important things we've gained,
before, finally,
  we weigh all those pieces.

This is work! Work which frequently creates friction and often distance, as well. Because even if our friends are willing to calmly accept that something has changed and go along with us, we feel the strain within ourselves. It's not insurmountable but it's a lot coming at you at one time and it can be a bit overwhelming.

Unfortunately, it's a process we all have to work through on our own - with no easy answers, so I offer none. All I can say is that eventually, we do gain confidence and the mad gyrations ease. We do become comfortable with our course. And generally, the friendships survive.

So, take heart. There IS hope, young padawan...