I managed to throw myself into quite the tailspin the other night.
I was teasing BG, asking if it would make him blink a bit to hear that I'd been holed up in a room, getting sweaty with two other men.
(For a work task, nothing salacious - I was just being flip.)
"no… I'm not the jealous type"
Now, I already know he's not the jealous type… but somehow, on that night, those words crash-landed in my head as, "I don't care."
As in, at all.
About me.
*WHAM!*
Down I went...
"I'm obviously not important to him then."
"If he cared, he'd give a damn"
"Not the jealous type or just not jealous of me?"
For the record, I know I'm mixing apples and oranges here.
I know that's not at all what he said.
I know that some people genuinely don't feel sexual jealousy.
Welcome to my head, anyhow… it bothered me. A lot.
The funny thing is, I don't even want a jealous guy. It's a petty emotion and irksome to have to deal with, to say the least. I'm actually glad he's not the type.
Nor am I particularly so myself. I won't go all noble and superior on you and say I don't have a jealous bone in me… I do. But it's not something that rears up all that often, either.
Yet despite all this cerebral knowledge, my tiny reptilian brain still insists on conflating jealousy and caring.
(The same tiny reptilian brain that is responsible for "fight or flight", apparently -- because let me tell you what an effort it has been to just shut up and sit tight until the dang lizard calms down.)
I know that one does not have anything to do with the other. People can be jealous of things they don't even value. Jealousy has no worth as a measure of caring.
I get this…
…but the inner reptile is struggling.
They're right… it's not easy being green...
8 comments:
Oh my, welcome to the club. I have managed too keep my 'voices' on the quiet side, but every now and again...they get way tooo loud. I am an avid frog collector since college...so my green voices sometimes ribbit!
hugs abby
I do struggle with jealousy - not envy - but jealousy - it's my insecurities. But i both get what you say here - and recognize that you have a much healthier way with it than i do. I hope you are winning the inner battle.
So, let's see if I can parse this conundrum out? You ask your fellow if he'd get worked up about a fictional scenario, and, when he doesn't, you get worked up? And then when you analyze his response, you agree with it, but maybe not completely - at least not from your known blind spot (jealously/caring conflation).
Can someone close by hit the brake on Jz's hamster wheel and escort the poor thing to place of rest and mental repose? The gal's inner moonchild has clearly taken over. Perhaps it's the onset of Winter and stresses at work! ;-D
a-
A chorus of Kermits in your head? :-)
Thanks for the welcome… now how do we bust outta here?? ;-D
gg-
Oh yeah, mine's definitely insecurity-based, too… for a wide assortment of reasons.
I'm not sure if I so much win the battle or the reptile just gets tired of squawking.
There's a distinction there that seems important, somehow… :-)
D-
Your parsing is sound.
(And your point is…? ;-p)
Sadly, I am the only one available to hit the brakes on my own hamster wheel and somehow, that just smacks of a recipe for disaster. Or at the very least, a good pratfall...
We must be in two different sections of the same habitrail. Think lizard brain flogging mental hamster on that squeaky spinning wheel. Being a bit more reactive than you are, I wasn't able to sit quietly until my lizard got tired. A few years ago I had an eerily similar conversation with another very emotionally secure Dom type. Not one of my better moments. I'm glad you were able to gag the lizard. :)
lm-
The lizard is a trouble-maker! ;-)
Actually, the biggest problem with the lizard is that it misrepresents.
One lizard-reaction can haunt you for years...
oh dear.
we are alike in so many ways...but on this we diverge. I don't get jealous. I'm not envious. Maybe because I'm to inwardly focused? (I think about me too much? I dunno.) This doesn't mean I'm not insecure at times... (does he like me, for real? does he miss me? coz that would mean he really does like me)...you'd think after 7+ years together I'd remember his words of "if there's a problem you'll be sure to know about it"...but I don't. So yeah, I do get tailspun sometimes, just not about the jealous thing. And it's not because I care, I'm not sure why. Others have twitted me about it too, and I just don't have an answer for it. Maybe I have an attachment disorder? (laughing...you know I don't). It's just part of who I am...and you're who you are and somethings defy logic. As easy as it sounds to get off that drama triangle/hamster wheel...it ain't always that easy to do.
hoping you've skinned the lizard and it's sleeping it off...
nilla
n-
Oh, I can tailspin over just about anything, in the right circumstances…
Because I'm, you know, me, I immediately sent off a sputtering email to SP:
"What does it take to get a man to care if you fuck other men???"
To which The Voice of Reason responded:
"Depends entirely on the man.
Some hate it
Some don't care
Some love it"
And really, it's as simple as that.
Which doesn't make it any easier to get past, necessarily, but is still an important thing to try and keep in mind...
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