Out On A Limb

I had actually done some writing ahead of time, hoping to have a few things ready to post here during what I knew would be an awful month for down time.

You haven't seen any of those pieces, however, because to print them now would be a lie. I'm no longer in the same head space that I've occupied for lo these many months. (Well, except for the "Dolly Dimple doppelganger" angst. That's still ever-so-real.)

But I'm not ready to pour forth torrents of gushing happiness, either. 

I dare not. 

Because I have embarked on the ultimate crapshoot - a second attempt at a relationship previously deemed "Finished" ... and these are perilous waters.

In fact, it was a month before I trusted the rapprochement enough to even refer to it obliquely in these pages. I wasn't sure it wouldn't turn out to be just a flash in the pan -- and that would be a pain best held private. I also suspect it will be a while yet before he gets the same matter of fact acceptance that he had for so long. Because some important things have changed… but a few remain close enough to "the same" that I'm still cautious. 

The good thing about being pretty much over a breakup when you talk about getting back together, however, is that you don't have much to lose. With eight months of healing behind you, you really don't care if your new and somewhat revised attitude pisses him off. (What's he gonna do? Break up with you?? You're not even back together yet!)

There is a certain position of strength in that.

On the other hand, I'm still me... 

I'm not going to use that strength as leverage … but I am comfortable with being a lot more frank with him. I was honest before, but I used to try to frame things in careful neutrality. Which meant my points often got lost in Switzerland. So now I leave less room for travel. :-)

And just as I'm still me, he's still him.

He was not annoyed by my new attitude. He was braced for worse, actually. Because he knows what he did and he regrets that it hurt me -- but on the other hand, he won't apologize for doing what he had to do at the time. And I get that.

He's just not the type who will ever jump through hoops for anyone -- but I don't want him to. I don't get off on making anyone squirm, particularly not my dom. Nor am I interested in receiving anything that is not freely given.

I want meaning behind the gestures.

So we've talked, we've both agreed to some goals, and now we're feeling our way forward. That's about all there is to say right now.

I don't know how much of it will show up here but at least now you know what's going on with the woman behind the curtain… :-)