Here's a question...
(OK, a bunch, actually.)
It's BDSM, right?
That means -- according to standard definitions and the way most of us like to live it -- open and honest communication.
I don't lie to him, he doesn't lie to me.
But...
What happens when his version of truth and mine are not the same?
When he doesn't like my truth and I cannot see his?
When I am told not to let him hear me saying that again?
I can do it, of course.
I can muzzle my truth -- voicing only his.
It's all subjective, after all.
But if I don't believe those words, isn't that encouraging me to lie?
Will forbidding my words make this one truth go away? Or will it take all of them with it?
Does lip service actually serve as honesty just because the words sound right to the listener?
Is there no way to accommodate his truth without invalidating my own?
Yeah, that's way more than one question, isn't it?
(Disclaimer in case anyone just saw a red flag, this isn't anything happening with BG. But it IS something I've stumbled over in the past -- and have wanted to write about for a while. It just took time to find the words.)
7 comments:
This particular beast lurks in all of our relationships in some way or another, and it sucks. And the degree to which it sucks is directly proportional to the importance of the relationship. At least - that's what i think.
Crap! I knew I shouldn't have clicked this link on my blogroll. I am sleepy...well was sleepy and wanted to go to bed and wallow in sweet sleep.
Now...now, I am wide awake contemplating...mulling over...getting my mind all tangled in all these darn questions.
I see your point, understand what you are saying, but...
I'll get back to you.
-H
If you find the answers to these questions please OH PLEASE share them with me!
*hugs*
turiya
gg-
I think you're right about the importance/suck ratio.
And I don't know that there are any real answers, I just thought the question(s) worth considering.
H-
Not a word I usually see my comments start with, missy! (*ahem*)
But you made up for it by telling me I kept you from sleeping! (I'm taking lessons in "supportive frienditry" from this woman I know. How am I doing?) ;-p
t-
Oh, I will.
Just don't go holding your breath in the meantime!
Let's out her breath... Damn!!!!
Honestly, I think it all depends on what exactly this thing is that you don't agree on. For example, perhaps it's a body image issue and you think you're fat, ugly, and undesirable, and you say this all the time. Then he decides you can no longer say those negative things, you must only say positive things about yourself because he sees you as beautiful and desirable. Are you lying, in a way, but his having you do this may end up helping to change your truth from a negative one to a positive one.
Then on the other hand maybe it's something much heavier in subject... perhaps he doesn't agree with something you strongly believe (like your faith/religion). (In that case, I think there ought to be lots of discussion and if he can't change your mind he ought to leave it be.) In this case he would also be encouraging you to lie, but to no end except that then he likes what he hears. It would be a dangerous slope if he believed he could dictate what you believe in. There probably would be no way to accommodate his and your truth together.
Does that make sense at all? You're questions are hard. Again I think it all depends on the subject matter that is being disagreed upon.
A-
Yes, it does make sense.
And I like your distinction of a positive truth vs. a negative one.
But even so, do the ends justify the means?
I don't know. I have no answers myself, just questions.
It's all subjective and the right answer in one circumstance may not be the right one in another.
But I still can't help but wonder what makes that line ambiguous?
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