My relationships seem to vacillate between men who appreciate my independence and men who need more "live in my pocket" than I can offer.
I'm not very good at being smothered so I can completely understand why I tend toward the ones who like my independence.
But…
I still want to be needed.
Needed, appreciated, desired, cherished...
in my own ruggedly independent (and occasionally submissive) way.
This is not an easy balance to achieve with the AOI. (Appreciators of Independence) Largely, because they usually appreciate it in me because they want it for themselves.
So it boils down to a juggling act.
From my side, I need to convey that I just want to feel included and remembered, that it doesn't mean I've totally changed my tune, or that I'm trying to lay a guilt trip on him.
From his side, he has to overcome his kneejerk reaction that what I'm asking would mean losing our independence, that my needs don't mean I've been misrepresenting or wearing a false face.
It's not an impossible task, but it doesn't happen overnight, either.
Kaya wrote a post recently that talks about how there's a lot of work that goes into reaching the point where your relationship becomes one that people envy.
Now, I'm not by any means claiming that mine is a relationship to envy (well, okay, the "what we have between us" part is kind of enviable - but the rest of it would NOT work for most people) (as my friends continually remind me) (in supportive fashion)
but (to finish that sentence up there ^ that I left hanging wide open) my relationship is dear to me - so it warrants the work. (In fact, I'm pretty sure that any relationship worth it's salt is one that people have worked on.)
Where it gets tricky is in discovering how to keep the work productive. You have to be vigilant about allowing for the perceptions and desires of the other person, while expressing yourself honestly, and remaining willing to recognize and accept compromise.
This can be an absolute bugger of a dance, can I just mention?
Because really, it's much, MUCH easier for any of us (I don't like to think it's just me, anyhow) to simply pay lip service to the other person. Or to frame their words based on past experience (generally unsuccessful) with someone else (or even this same person) and end up not hearing what they're saying.
Clarity, consistency, neutrality, and openness can be a nearly-impossible combination at times.
BG & I are both fairly decent at most of those, tho' not always all at once. However, the thing that has helped us the most is patience. We've both been willing to work down until we found a bedrock of faith in each other.
I suppose it boils down to trust -- but it feels a bit wider in scope than that. I'm not just trusting him, I'm trusting in him -- and in him-trusting-in-me. And I'm acting in a manner that (hopefully!) shows that his trust is not misplaced.
Most of the time I think we're doing well.
Progress is slow but steady, with each learning and accomodating.
But I won't lie, there are times I wonder if I'm just plain kidding myself.
6 comments:
I can really relate to this post. My situation is different than most, or what most seem to want, and think I should want too, but I don't. The relationship between Master and me isn't officially committed and exclusive but I still want to know that what I give is appreciated. He seems to think that expressing any appreciation would mess up the dynamic of the relationship for him, so there is some tightrope walking for both of us, to not express too much, while at the same time communicating that we appreciate each other.
t-
yeah, the trick is to match your styles of communication without talking -- when you're not talking. :-)
I do know what you mean and I think it's doable - but it does get tricky.
To say "work hard" can mean an awful lot of things. I think the "doing" things are far easier than the "not doing" To put in effort to dress, have the house, appear, or act the way he wants is one thing. To contain oneself, to keep faith and trust in the quiet, to wait because that's what he needs - that is much harder. So I say sincerely - good for you.
gg-
It's true that for those of us with practically zero patience, waiting is much harder than doing.
Like, much...
And then there's this though...you're living in the now. You're (mostly) enjoying the now. The future...well, the older I get, the less I worry about planning for it. Now, some will call that short-sighted. And some will call that foolish. But I'm pretty fatalistic about it. My mom died at 59. I'm almost 4 years from that. Will I live longer than she? I don't know. And I decided years ago that I wasn't going to worry about that anymore, and live each day as fully as I can, finding the joy where it is, not where I want to plan for it to be. Remember that expression from the 70's? Life is what happens when you're making other plans. If, someday, I'm sitting in my rocking chair and knitting, I want to think back on my wild and wonderful life, and recall that I had the best time doing the most wild things with the ones I love...whether that is the Roller Coaster at Santa's Village, or Big Red and Master fucking my ass.
Overall, I think you are happy with how your life is unfolding. You're a savvy woman, after all. :)
nilla
n-
no, you're right. I'm not unhappy with how my life is unfolding...
But I still stop and question it every now and again.
:-)
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