rose wrote a really wonderful post the other day about the need for people in the lifestyle to remember that we are all living, breathing individuals, and that BDSM is NOT a "one size fits all" practice. There is no One True Way, there is simply what works for you and your partner. I applauded.
And a quote from Jane Austen sprang to mind…
Shortly after that, Little Monkey wrote about her belief that you either are a dominant (or submissive) or not, that it's not something you can learn. (A One True Dom?) I do not disagree with her at all -- but I did see a caveat. (Who defines "real"?)
And a quote from Jane Austen sprang to mind…
Interestingly, however, it was the same quote for both responses:
"Lizzy, you do not make allowances for differences of situation and temper..."
A while back, Vesta offered the lovely observation, "I have it on good authority that men with dominant personalities like well trained girls. They enjoy the ease, the quiet and the pleasure of it. They find pleasure in the uninterrupted control. A girl who knows her place and enjoys her place is very fine company."
I read that and, for a brief moment, glowed in communal pleasure and pride. Then I recalled myself and thought, "Oh, poor BG...!" (This was around the same time I decided it might be best to just change my name to The Recalcitrant Bitch.)
Ease, quiet, and grace are not, as you may recall, my selling points.
And I know that to many dominants out there, I am absolutely out of the running as a submissive.
And yet … I still have a Dom.
One who values the contributions I do bring to the table.
I certainly agree with LM that there is a core inside us that either is or isn't dominant or submissive. Clearly, you can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear.
But I also think that people sometimes rush to judgment -- that when a person doesn't fit our perception of what constitutes a certain "thing", we tend to dismiss them out of hand. We disqualify them as real.
I think this is where rose's reminder of the Many Ways is so important.
We get so caught up in our own realities that we forget to allow for other's.
Vesta, rose, little monkey, me…
A fairly disparate collection of submissives. Yet all have found a dominant who appreciates them.
"Differences of situation and temper" notwithstanding.
4 comments:
Hmm. Odd, I can't find that quote in the version that I have. What chapter was that in? Was it before or after Elizabeth and her sisters went to study with the Shaolin monks?
"temper" being the operative word in my case :)
I like your take on the subject.
Nice post. It took some time for me to fully understand this. In the beginning of my relationship to my Master, I kept reading a lot of blogs and sites about bdsm, and the more I read, the more I felt that I failed at being a submissive. Then I finally understood that hey, we are humans. We are different, and we interact and react different. And then started to look at things different. Instead of looking for "the manual" the search then was more about pointers and tips of how to do things, and then discussions of how we like and want things and how to get there. But we have to be reminded sometimes, that there are no wrong and rights in this lifestyle, but just as many differences in it as it is people in it.
T-
Not entirely sure. It was certainly sometime after we first see them wield their katanas... (brat)
lm-
"temper" works here, too. :-)
Thank you for tossing the question out in the first place.
miz pet-
I think an awful lot of people make the mistake of thinking they have to change in order be something that, in fact, they already are. I had someone to help me understand that wasn't necessary, but not everyone has that luxury. So yes, a little reminder now and again... :-)
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