It started when SP informed me the other night that "this "total honesty in the relationship" is a American sitcom bullshit thing".
I countered that, altho' I do think there should be room for privacy in a relationship, it's still fairly critical to be able to rely on the honesty of the people you love.
Well, apparently, this felt like some sort of challenge because shortly thereafter, he let loose with a volley of Truths According to SP.
The things he said were not hurtful in and of themselves. Some were actually pretty nice. Nor can I say he was entirely wrong, either. He had a number of valid points.
The problem was in how he layered his truths together to paint a picture that is just NOT how I want my world to look.
He kicked my sandcastle.
And buried my rose-color spectacles in the resulting landslide.
I was not happy to be disillusioned..
"The truth hurts", after all…
Generally, right in the gut.
Nope, decidedly not happy.
I got mad at him, I got mad at BG, I got mad at me.
Absolutely absurd, I know - but anger seems to be a common knee-jerk reaction to unpalatable truths. Anything to keep from staring Ugly in the face, right?
OK, time to put your money where your mouth is, Jz.
Because that's the pivotal thing about honesty.
Like pregnancy, you're either in or out. There's no"sort of".
If you value honesty and strive to live in it, there will be times when you will get hurt - and you will hurt others. Yet if you want to walk the walk, you have to learn how to deal with that. Honesty should be handled with tempered words and reactions, certainly, but you still need to take it's stringent requirements and apply them to your OWN behavior, as well as that of others.
Honesty should always be treated with respect, even when it's aimed at you.
That's easy when it's a truth you like, of course.
When it's not, though, evasion seems OH-so-much simpler.
Except there's no gain in that.
It's impossible to grow if you never reassess.
And how can trust exist where you know the person will lie if it's easier?
My sandcastle was very pretty - but fragile.
I prefer a more solid foundation, even if it comes at a price.
14 comments:
There's a saying about the need to express truth in love.
I've decided if the love is not there, then it's not truth, no matter how accurate the facts are.
Truth can certainly be ugly and painful at times. It is also absolutely necessary to have or the relationship won't be a very strong one. It will eventually fall apart.
I think you are absolutely right, about the need for honesty to build trust, and about the difficulty of living that belief, of beign the recipient of such honesty. It is also difficult to be so brutally honest with the one you love (well maybe not for SP). Most of us, i think, censor what we say to some degree, partly to protect ourselves from the consequences, but also often out of genuine concern for the other person's feelings.
I learned a while back that I'd rather hear what people honestly think about me rather than have everything sugarcoated. I will admit at first that it hurt to hear the truth... and you know when people are telling you what they honestly see in you and when they are just being asses. After a while, though, it became something I valued and treasured... since really... if you don't like something about yourself, you can always change it.
I think hearing the truth is much better than people talking about me behind my back too... it certainly hurts a lot less.
But yes... my favorite quote from the Star Wars books is "Truth can be a powerful thing, therefore the decision to share it must be weighed." And I agree... it can be used as a weapon as well as being used to help someone. So it has to be shared with a lot of tact and really... the ability to know whether a person is in a space to hear it and accept it.
And it's something to be valued... when someone can be truly honest with you... really, it's a gift they offer regardless of how they choose to offer it. It's a chance for personal growth. You're lucky to have SP... even if you don't feel that way right now.
*hugs*
turiya
At first I was going to be flip and say that I didn't want to hear the truth; it's much more fun being left to my own fantasies of what I'm like: Handsome, sophisticated, witty, charming, sensitive, and modest.
Then I realized I wasn't being flippant at all.
There's an ongoing performance in New York called...
"Too Much Light Makes the Baby Go Blind"...
There's an awful lot of truth in that.
M-
Interesting distinction. I see what you mean, altho' I'm not sure I'm entirely convinced by your conclusion. My view changes as I walk around the idea... ;-)
I hope, tho', that I haven't given the impression that SP's words weren't spoken in love because they were. He was just providing counter-point to my ingrained lollipop naivete.
W-
Honesty really is essential. At least, if you want to keep what you have.
gg-
I do agree, especially about the censoring. Which is why I mentioned the need to temper our words. Kinder words can almost always be found. However, I think if you're in a relationship that expects honesty, you can't dump all the responsibility of making that honesty palatable onto the sayer. You also have to suck up and learn how to deal with the hurt it sometimes inflicts.
t-
Absolutely. Skip the pretty lies, please. I don't believe them and now you've just ticked me off...
And I am *always* profoundly aware of how lucky I am to have SP. He's an incredible man and I rely on him to be honest with me, even if I sometimes wince! That's my issue, not his.
Tom, Tom, Tom...
How much for your magic mirror?
B'Man-
Welcome back!
The truth within the truth...
I like it.
Jz, wasn't making a comment on SP, just offering my take on a subject I've given some thought to.
M-
I didn't really think so but there was just enough uncertainty that I had to toss that out there.
Thanks for reassuring me. :-)
I have a hard time NOT being honest. It is a trait that I am mostly proud of, however, as we all seem to agree, there are 2 sides to each coin and 'truth' can be painful. But I do firmly believe that I can and will continue to evolve as an awesome person every day. The only way I believe this is possible is by living honestly with myself and others.
Okay, let me be uncharacteristically serious for a moment.
Most of us, i think, censor what we say to some degree, partly to protect ourselves from the consequences, but also often out of genuine concern for the other person's feelings.
And it's something to be valued... when someone can be truly honest with you... really, it's a gift they offer regardless of how they choose to offer it. It's a chance for personal growth.
These comments bring to mind that we sometimes can't agree on what "honesty" really is in the first place. In my own experience, I've discovered that often as not, what a person says out of "honesty" often says more about him than it does about me, because it's filtered by his own perceptions and desires of what he thinks I should (or shouldn't) be or do.
Does that happen all of the time? Probably not. But I think that before we accept someone's "honest" opinion as a tool for our own personal growth, I think it's a good idea to look at how such an observation squares with our own self-perceptions, with our belief of the perceptions that others have of us, and with the possible agenda that the person telling us may have.
Okay, let me be uncharacteristically serious for a moment.
Most of us, i think, censor what we say to some degree, partly to protect ourselves from the consequences, but also often out of genuine concern for the other person's feelings.
And it's something to be valued... when someone can be truly honest with you... really, it's a gift they offer regardless of how they choose to offer it. It's a chance for personal growth.
These comments bring to mind that we sometimes can't agree on what "honesty" really is in the first place. In my own experience, I've discovered that often as not, what a person says out of "honesty" often says more about him than it does about me, because it's filtered by his own perceptions and desires of what he thinks I should (or shouldn't) be or do.
Does that happen all of the time? Probably not. But I think that before we accept someone's "honest" opinion as a tool for our own personal growth, I think it's a good idea to look at how such an observation squares with our own self-perceptions, with our belief of the perceptions that others have of us, and with the possible agenda that the person telling us may have.
w-
Same here.
It can be troublesome but I can't imagine facing myself in the mirror each morning otherwise.
T-
You're absolutely right.
I got snarled up in the semantics of this myself, but we have a tendency to see truth and honesty as interchangeable and I don't believe they are.
I think honesty is how you truly see things at the time - but you are right. It carries filters. As does our reception of it.
And truth can be mutable. Things change. People change. My truth may not be yours.
So, yes. Weigh those "honest opinions" and discard the bits you believe don't fit. But consider them carefully first, before simply dismissing them as not suiting your perceptions. Utilize your honesty to help you identify the truth.
@Tom. Absolutely, no doubt about it. Particularly in those moments of shared 'honesty' when the speaker is sad, mad, or scared....needs to tell you how they feel they care about you...yadda yadda. In these cases, as Jz points out, things change, maybe tomorrow!
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