Our Love is (apparently) Like a Paddle Boat

So, I've got a real challenge coming at me.
Mind you, it's not much of a humdinger in and of itself. In fact, you'll all probably go, "heh?" when you read what I'm struggling with. But struggling I am, because, well...

OK. This week, I'm supposed to eat dinner before he gets here -- then I will be spending his dinner time under the table.

Sounds wonderfully submissive and hot, doesn't it?
The sort of stuff we dream about, actually -- even me, so clearly it isn't a question of limits or fear. Yet I'm having to work harder than you might expect to embrace this eventuality with any sort of grace.

Partially because the whole "bitch under the table" thing borders on objectification, which, as I think you all know by now, I have issues with. So my desire to submit is struggling madly against my gross distaste for the careless dehumanization that is such a common trope of domination here in Blogland. This, in turn, means that I have to keep reminding myself that he's not one of those seemingly-MCP doms, he's the marvelously thoughtful, balanced dominant I've chosen to give myself over to. Which I honestly feel -- but still, that dehumanizing thing is one of my trigger points, so this is a bit of a challenge.

Further complicating my graceful acceptance is the fact that I'm concerned we'll disturb our new balance. For three years, our relationship focused solely on the D/s side and left the personal side unattended. There were obstacles and frustrations and reasons for this that I understood and accepted but still, it was a relationship out of whack. So, while the kink side may have been moving ahead, with the personal side so firmly anchored, all we did was chug in circles, like a boat that's paddled on only one side.

Lately, however, we've been working at breaking the cycle, relaxing our fears, and balancing the two sides of the relationship a bit better. One of the ways we've done this is through sitting down to dinners together. We chat and laugh and learn some of the vast amount of information we still don't know about each other, then go scene our brains out. :-)

And it works. The momentum created by improvements on one side feeds further improvement on the other, and back and forth, until slowly our little boat has begun to chug ahead in a (reasonably) straight line. But that balance is still new and fragile and I'm not sure I completely trust it yet. So cramming me under the table and saying, "Put a cock in it!" while he dines in hedonistic comfort in the unseen up-above, kind of erodes the feelings of mutuality that previous dinners have helped establish. Which in turn makes me worry that this could be the first step down a slippery slope to our previous ways... And yada, yada, yada.

Of course, I know this is unfair, on many levels.

For one thing, it's just one evening, out of many fine ones we've had recently. I didn't complain when we spent an evening in mostly vanilla fashion, did I? Nor did he. So, hello...? A little faith here? Reciprocity, even?

Nor do I want to get looped back into another circle, no matter what the direction. He's absolutely right to keep tweaking and pushing and growing us -- and progress can't always go in a straight line. Because that would be too much like driving through central Florida for the rest of your life. (Just Say No.)

Nor, finally, does progress have to unfold in strictly "First A, then B" stages. It doesn't matter which side pushes first, as long as they're both paddling. And that, we're doing, so...

Hey... I seem to have talked myself into a more positive frame of mind, here! Hot diggety!

     thanks, guys. :-)