Dansarani wrote a post the other day about the effects of aging on her body and how they have left her (at least temporarily) unable to feel sexy, despite her libido remaining unchanged. Since she is someone who teaches sacred sexuality, this leaves her feeling pretty discouraged.
Understandable enough but still, something about her words niggled at me. There was nothing there I actually disagreed with - certainly not the disappointment of being stuck inside a body that is marching relentlessly farther and farther away from “pretty”… Nor can I argue with the frustration of joints and muscles that can’t quite do what they once did. (“Yes sir, I will happily kneel for you - but if you keep me here very long, you’re going to have to go get the crowbar to get me back up.”)
And yet… I cannot honestly say those changes have affected my feeling sexy.
How pretty I feel, yes - but sexy? No.
Those are two very different (though related) things.
So what was the niggle?
As I poked and prodded, the sore point slowly dawned on me. I was tripping over the fact that I honestly cannot ever recall actually feeling sexy - at least not in the way I think people mean the term - which meant that at some level, her words simply did not compute.
I have felt desired, I have known the power of having someone’s dick wrapped around my little finger (figuratively speaking, of course) but in my head, those moments always get filed under “Very Specific Instances” - not “Sweeping Generalizations Based On My Own Awesomeness” (which is a very slim file indeed.) To actually “feel sexy” is kind of a foreign concept to me.
Partially, I suppose, this is because it has never seemed to me that the ability to get laid boils down to anything more than willingness and availability. People will fuck to relieve an itch and being the scratching post du jour doesn’t mean a danged thing more than that propinquity is at work. (I’m not dismissing the reality of a truly personalized lust - just saying that I know better than to assume that must be what lies at the root of any mating rituals I might get involved in.)
Plus, what exactly makes someone sexy, anyhow?
It’s so highly individual, the stuff that flips our switches, that I don’t know how you ever identify a universal component, much less internalize that to project back out to the world at large.
To me, sexiness is a random chemistry that happens between two people, not a thing that exists on its own. I can reflect it back to someone, but I don’t see it as something I intrinsically *am* - in which case, how do I “feel” it?
So you see why “feeling sexy” is such a problematic concept for me. I don’t know how you define it, I don’t know how you quantify it, I don’t know how you claim it.
On the other hand, I envy those of you who don’t get tripped up in this kind of mental tangle - the ones who say, “Hell yeah, I feel sexy!”
God love you - Please send me your secret.
In the meantime, I’ll go back to reading my latest email from BG, which just happens to end with the timely sentiment, “overthink much?”
10 comments:
Fascinating distinctions. Perhaps some of "feeling sexy" has to do with knowing you can incite desire in others.
Interesting- my idea of “feeling sexy” has to do with putting out the kind of energy that elicits a positive response from others - mainly in their wanting to engage with me in a flirtation or outright sex.
Hi Jz - definitely not my idea of fun ... to dress up in pretty stuff, especially that which goes underneath ... so I rather feel like you! Oh well ... almost too late now! Cheers Hilary
Like you, I never really "felt sexy" until one time, a year or two ago, my husband commented - when I was probably complaining about my body or something - "I wish you could see you the way I see you." And he's gotten better over time at paying compliments to my physical appearance.
...I think modern men, sensitive modern men anyway, are being conditioned to focus less on the physical. He ALWAYS compliments my brain, my organizational qualities, my logic, non-physical attributes, but only recently added my physical qualities into the mix. To me, feeling sexy is about feeling desired. I know he desires me, so whether I feel like I'm sexy to the rest of the world, I can still feel sexy. I don't care what the world thinks!
I married a good man.
mm-
Perhaps… tho’ I’m not sure.
Desire is often incited by *things* - boobs, butts, legs…
My body parts have nothing to do with who I am, so it doesn’t feel like much of a triumph, if you will.
(Yes, I’m difficult. ;-p)
F-
Gotcha. I can see that.
It doesn’t quite work for me personally, since I don’t consider flirting to be particularly sexual, but the positive energy theory makes sense. :-)
H-
Well, ok. You shot straight at a potential hole in my argument, because before I got fat, I was a lingerie slut. But that wasn’t “sexy”, it was my secret “girly” side being fed - I like pretty. (It was actually my first word, according to my mom.) As I said, tho’, feeling pretty and feeling sexy aren’t really the same things…
R-
Yes, from what I can tell, you *did* marry a good man.
I’m ok with guys focusing less on the physical, since I distrust those types of compliments anyhow. (“Stop lying to me!!!”) Plus, physical is not the home of sexy in my world.
I dunno. Even I don’t get my head most of the time…
This is definitely a challenging topic - I know that I have had moments, flashes in my life, times when I felt "sexy" - for years when young it was associated in my mind, my emotions, with my physical body - which never met what I thought were the right criteria - breasts too small,waist too large, butt not shapely enough, face not pretty enough - even when there seemed to be men that wanted all that "not perfect" I somehow didn't believe it. Thinness was always a marker -never thin enough -then I was TOO thin at one juncture and realized I felt ugly still and undesirable. There was a period in my life where I was in my 30s/early 40s where things emotionally were going well with d - I was still "too" heavy but it just didn't seem to matter, to my soul I FELT sexy, felt desirable... it's been a very long time since then -and now in my 60s I'm musing a lot of what sexuality means at this juncture - menopause, body changes, you name it - something I think we will come back to - this topic -
s-
oh, yeah.
If I wanted to go down the rabbit hole of "feeling attractive", I would be every bit as conflicted and dysmorphic. But I don't seem to carry that over into matters of the bedroom - maybe because of my belief that attractive and sexy are different things and that sexy exists outside of me.
Dunno - it's a doozy to try and explain, tho'. Even to myself. :-)
interesting thoughts. I hate that Dansarani is feeling that way.
I don't really feel sexy often anymore, but your post made me take a minute to remember when I did. I think it wasn't just about knowing that others were attracted to me, or wanted me, it was being aware of a spark between us - it wasn't just them wanting, it was me too - and not necessarily wanting a particular someone, but feeling electrically charged, like if someone with a similar charge touched me, there might be actual sparks. I would feel fluid and lovely and hot. Not necessarily actually turned on, but hot like I could start something right now if I wanted to,and it was fun.
I don't know. Maybe I'm not remembering it right. You know? But I think it was like that.
Thank you for overthinking much Jz. It's because you do all the hard work that readers like me get to peep into aspects of ourselves we tend not to pay much attention to. So please continue doing us this favour:)
"To me, sexiness is a random chemistry that happens between two people.." I agree with this and yes, it's not something that can be generalized.
It's so subjective and personal. Is sexy the new beauty? I.e. lies in the eyes of the beholder and the beheld? Perhaps!
Cheers for a thinking sort of start to my Sunday;)
o-
“fluid and lovely and hot” sounds like a lovely state to be able to think back on. :-)
I’m sure it *was* like that - Lucky woman!
Yy
Friend Arti,
Bless you for making the over thinking sound like it’s useful! :-D
(And for saying you agree with me. I was feeling kind of out in left field that no one picked that up.)
p.s. Love that you’re using your gorgeous sari picture now!
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