One of the things I've found most interesting in my tenure as n00b is seeing how people relate to each other in an arena where we know things about each other that people generally just don't.
Speaking from the perspective of a sub, this knowledge is a great relief when talking to other subs, because we are free to talk about things most of us wouldn't mention to our vanilla pals.
It sometimes becomes a bit problematic when talking to Doms, however. Because that tacit recognition that you are each, on some level, a the complement of the other can lead to a blurring of boundaries. Not inevitably. But there have been one or two uncomfortable moments when a casual e-quaintence has come out with a "Do it. NOW!" sort of remark.
Now, I can certainly understand that from a Domly perspective, there's a temptation to push. I would suspect that often, it's not even intentional but just a thing that slips out and then you go, "oh, well. Let's see where that goes…" And that's OK. It's an integral part of the wiring, after all.
But it puts me in an interesting quandary, nonetheless. Because in my little world, Domly status does not automatically confer rights. I'm not offended if you try, per se, but I also expect you to respect a refusal to play along. No one but BG is the Dom of Me and I'm not likely to let others play that card. (And when I have, it's been because of who that person is and the relationship we have established, not simply because of what they are.)
So, how does one respond appropriately to this type of casual, exogenous domming? A lot of subs can refer the question up to their Doms. But that's not the way my dynamic works. As I've said before, he's not a micro-manager. Self-defense is my job, not his.
Unsurprisingly, the method I've chosen to deflect most unwanted comments is humor. This is pretty much the safest course for me, (altho' still risky in it's own right - my teasing does not always come across the way I mean it to. ) Most of the time, however, it has worked well and I've been impressed by the grace with which my response is received. Sadly, there have also been reactions that greatly diminished the particular respondent in my eyes. But whichever way the chips fall, over all, it's a pretty effective approach for me.
I'd be curious to hear from others about how they address this situation, both subs and Doms. (Because although I only addressed one side of the equation, I'm sure that there are subs who blur the boundaries, too.)
How do you handle it when one of the "other" makes you uncomfortable?
12 comments:
I so understand where you come from. I have a traveling Dom and 3 toys to suffice in his absence. I love the arrangement but all 3 understand that I play by Monkey's rules. Even the one with the dom personality knows I will stop and ask for instruction from Monkey in the middle of play. It is a simple fact of life in my little world. All my toys are comfortable with that as they are aware of everyone in my world. In the event Monkey is unreachable, I have the authority to make those decisions based on my belief of what he would chose.
On another online forum I used to frequent, a woman had a sig line that read:
If I don't seem submissive to you, it's because I'm not submissive... to you.
Basic communication and interactions are hard enough - too easy to mis-speak, mis-interpret, misunderstand, or whatever, even face to face. Online with only text to read, no voice, no body language, no facial expression - is a whole level harder. Add in layers of heirarchy that are not so well defined to all involved and it it's a wonder that anything gets communicated at all.
My reaction?
If we're friends and you get too bossy with me
Momma spank.
usually by mocking him
sfp
(winal)
Hi Mindset,
Welcome!
Yes, awareness of the existing hierarchy can go a great way toward smoothing things over, I agree.
T-
ooo, I like that!
gg-
Exactly!
Maybe we should just focus on the times things go right, you think?
sfp-
I can honestly say that "momma spank" is a phrase that has never gone through my head before. But it may be stuck now, thank you very much! ;-)
"...in my little world, Domly status does not automatically confer rights."
I concur. Occasionally, I've had a few men try to order me or command me, it has sort of been in jest. These particular men claim to be "Doms" but they have not really engaged in a real power exchange relationship. They are kinksters who think a Dom is someone who orders a woman to do sexual things. The comment was more to see my reaction or them being a smartass.
The Doms & Masters that I've chosen to interact with would never pull that. They know that they do not exercise dominion over all women labeling themselves as submissive. In fact, these men have utter disdain for that line of thinking.
Should I encounter some misguided soul with a dominant personality the truly believes I should follow his command, I will most likely handle it with humor. My remarks will be explicit though; so that he never makes that assumption again. If he does, a more curt reply will follow.
-Hedone
@Tom Allen:
That reminded me of a comment I've made a few times. I said, "I am submissive but I'm not your submissive."
-H
A lot of domme women in the play scenes complain that sub men will fall all over themselves in an effort to sub to pretty much anything with boobs. Conversely, some sub men will complain that many domme women expect all men to fawn and caper for their attention.
What a lot of people fail to understand is that sane, normal (i.e., mature) people distinguish play from reality. Some domly (and subly) types imagine this Gorean fantasy land, but that's simply not how real people work.
I'd say that a haughty snort and toss of the head should be the best way to handle unwanted encroachments.
H-
I agree.
But I also believe that sometimes this stuff comes out of a person's mouth more in the form of an "oops". Kind of like how you sometimes call an ex-beau "honey", cuz you're just not paying attention, y'know?
So humor is my karmic nod to the men who didn't bite my head off when I did that. ;-)
T-
You're absolutely right about the haughty snort 'n' toss. That's more my approach in real life. (Altho' SP says it's closer to verbal castration - and calls it a joy to watch.)
Virtual reality seems to throw a wrench in the works across the board, however. As a woman who has spent a chunk of time on online dating sites, I can tell you that it's not just doms and subs who forget how real people interact.
That's one of the reasons it's so special when you DO meet people online who have couth!
(that would be all you guys, btw...)
;-)
@Tom Allen
"What a lot of people fail to understand is that sane, normal (i.e., mature) people distinguish play from reality. Some domly (and subly) types imagine this Gorean fantasy land, but that's simply not how real people work."
Yes, yes, yes! What is up with that? I just wrote a post about this. It was sitting to marinate a bit. Guess I don't need to post it. Thanks a lot Tom. :p
-H
Hi Jz. haven't been by in a while. I'm in a different place from you in that what my wife and I do is only for the two of us. It would be interesting to talk to others who share similar interests, but I'm not into sharing.
I am a territorial Dom and if anyone else made a dominating move on Lynda, there wouldn't be a spanking, it'd be a whuppin'.
Hey, Mick,
Glad you're back.
Yes, you two clearly have a different sort of relationship going on anyhow. I seem to have a knack for finding non-territorial men. (And then having to decide how to deal with them!)
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