I read a comment the other day by someone who found it frustrating that so many people have trouble seeing the good in themselves.
I totally understand the point that person was making. There are too many who seem unable to view themselves with kindness and that can be painful to witness.
But the comment also brought to mind something SP said to me the other day, something I really appreciated:
"Your insecurity is a part of who you are, a trait that you do not need to be ashamed of. Start saying instead, I am insecure, love me for it!"
That was a really good thing to hear.
Like a lot of women, I've always been insecure about my looks.
On the other hand, that's pretty much the only thing I'm actually insecure about. I am confident (almost to the point of arrogance) about my mind; my personality is more lively than the average bear's; and I even know that men (not all but a sufficient number) find me attractive, even if I'm not a beauty queen.
So I don't worry overmuch about the insecurity, because it's only one small piece of the picture. Would I like to be rid of it? Yes, because it does occasionally hamper me. But I'm not crippled by it, I don't obsess over it. It's just something that makes me susceptible to doubt at times. (Particularly on bad hair days.)
Yet insecurity is often portrayed as a debilitating flaw, one that really should be rooted out if a person is ever to achieve happiness and self-satisfaction.
People vent their frustration at women falling victim to it.
Well-meaning friends assure you that, "Men Like Women Who Like Themselves." (implication: Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Already Live Here...)
Now, I think it's true that you do need to have your act together before you can successfully enter into a relationship. Particularly one that is going to be as demanding of you as a D/s one can be.
So, I'll admit to having picked up the odd self-help tome -- only to toss it aside with a shudder of discomfort. I have no doubt that all these "experts" mean well and can even be of use to many people whose doubts are more extensive than mine. But something just didn't sit right with me and it took SP's words to finally help me pinpoint what that was.
My issue is that the advice offered in these works seems to operate from the stance that having an insecurity makes you someone who is defined by a weakness -- a viewpoint I reject. Rather vehemently, in fact.
Because I DO like myself, even with flaws. I may not care much for my looks but that hardly turns my entire self-perception into a negative one. I am not a failure for having an insecurity and am aggravated by the implication that I am. I resent any attempt to make me feel damaged or incomplete just because I have an area (or two) of lesser strength. Show me anyone who doesn't, for goodness' sake! (Doms not expected to reply...)
I have accepted, incorporated, and made peace with this insecurity. I do not need to continue fighting it. I do not need to be ashamed. I still may not want to go head to head with another woman in terms of looks and body parts. (In fact, I'd probably just cede the contest graciously and retire to the buffet table.) But if you're talking personality? character? adventurous spirit? sheer fun? Send me in, coach! I can offer all that and more.
We are each many things. Love us for them all.
8 comments:
This is the real shit, this is what becoming yourself is all about. Accepting your insecurities is an act of bravery.....you may not like it, or want it, but you know it must be done and so you do it!
I love my insecurities.....although, as a caveat, I will add, I love them only when I am discussing them theoretically, or as an aside :) I like that I can be so brazen and opinionated and then secretly worry that I may have offended someone. I giggle at myself when I pinch my 39 yr old mid-drift and worry about my waistline. Insecurities are as important to our personalities as our strengths...they shape how we interact with others and how we spend our time dialoguing with ourselves. People who can expose their insecurities are penultimately more attractive than those who can not!
Am I babbling? Gosh, I sure hope I'm not boring you......
This is such important stuff to think about. It's one more are of you should..., if you only..., you would be so much better off if you did... Some insecurities do need to be over come because they can cripple us. Others just are, and, like worm says, are part of our overall charm.
...wicked quick-wit, fantastic writer, thought provoking blogger.
You forgot some things so I added them. :)
Use your insecurities as a tool to learn more about what is important to you. Insecurity can sometimes be a caution, it can sometimes be a useless childhood relic. If you can differentiate between the two, you will be able to more than embrace your insecurity, you will actually be able to use it to help yourself grow, especially when the insecure feeling has a root that you can pull up and discard. My two cents worth.
w-
*snort*
Well, I can't say I've progressed far enough to say I love my insecurities but I've come to grips with most of them. (Bad hair days aside, which I think parallels your caveat about "only when discussing them theoretically." We must, after all, allow ourselves some wiggle room!) ;-)
Please refer below for more that fits your comment, too...
(And you NEVER bore me, darling!)
gg-
I love the fact that you threw in "overall charm", cuz it gives me a chance to throw out a quote from one of my favorite books ever, The Grrl Genius Guide to Life --
"Since I became a Grrl Genius, nearly all my character flaws have mutated into charming evidence of my brilliance."
Now, THAT is the way to look at things! :-)
(Granted, this approach may not work for the flaws/fears/insecurities that cripple us but I think sometimes we end up crippled by the very fact that we fret over things so much. If we'd lighten up, much in this world would look better.)
H-
I blush...
(thanks, chica!)
DT-
Good point.
For many years, I've watched a friend fight to uproot some of his insecurities and it's been tough, painful and difficult. But, you're right, he's experienced significant growth as a result of the process.
I think part of the problem is a lot of people confuse having insecurities with having low self-esteem. They're not the same things... I have a very high self-esteem and yet I still have insecurities. Self-esteem has to do with how you see yourself, your own value and worth. Insecurities are just fears that stem from past experiences.
So while it's hard to get by in life with a low self-esteem because it effects every aspect of your life... having an insecurity will not keep you from success or affect your self-esteem (unless you're like me and have a fear of succes LOL... then you're kinda screwed).
Everyone should embrace their insecurities, though... I mean, how can you ever hope to overcome something if you have such a negative view of it or remain in denial over it. And overcoming an insecurity doesn't mean you get rid of it... it just means you move forward despite your fear. Having a good self-esteem is what helps you do that.
*hugs*
turiya
I'm glad to hear you've gotten so secure about your insecurities :).
Perhaps it's a matter of degree. Having area or two that we feel insecure about is pretty normal, but if it leads us to being too sensitive or overly defensive so as to hurt someone we love, then we probably ought deal with it.
t-
Good distinction, thank you.
No, they aren't the same thing, altho' they feed into each other so nicely, they seem that way at times.
Mick-
I agree about the matter of degree. Certainly, the insecurities that hamper us should be addressed.
I was more going down the road that people tell you it's OK to have flaws and yet insecurities somehow aren't covered under that umbrella. And that isn't entirely fair. The pressure to overcome them often exacerbates, which is pretty counter-productive.
I found it liberating to hear someone say it was OK not to struggle and wanted to share that.
But you're right that sometimes, you probably should struggle...
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