A Question For The Doms

(whatever your gender...)

Sometimes the n00b just wonders about how people tick.
This week I've been thinking about how doms see what it is we subs do. I've heard a couple of different viewpoints and would like to hear more. I'm not judging. I know there are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of... I'm just insatiably curious.

So, dear dom(me)s:
In theory, our submission is what makes us attractive to you. But what about that submission is the thrill for you?
Is it simply the fact of us doing what you want us to? (If there's something you really, really like but it doesn't seem difficult for us, is that thing still desirable?)
Do you enjoy the coercion and persuasion involved in getting us to do what you want? The triumph of overcoming our resistance?
Or are your wants driven by what we resist? (i.e., you only decide you want this when you see we don't.) The attraction of sheer, unadulterated button-pushing?
Or some other motivator that I've overlooked?

My musing started over a debate about safe words. They exist so we don't get pushed farther than we feel we can handle. BG and I use them and he respects them. But after giving me a break, he will return to that "yellow" border and see if he can push it. Gentle but relentless... He likes to see me bend.

Then again, I've read of doms who feel that once the sub has said, "I submit", that is the end of the sub's voice in the matter. Safe words do not apply. This approach concerns me a bit as I would think this could be where accidents are most likely to happen. But that's just one woman's opinion. Perhaps it's no better or worse than any other scenario.

As I read, I found myself expanding the scope of the question. There are also doms who specifically look for trigger points in their subs. (Hmmmm, what does this person really dislike? OK, that's what I'll require!) This certainly allows you to establish your dominance but for some reason, I have more trouble understanding this approach. Possibly because it appears fairly arbitrary. And that, in turn, feels less like you're getting off on my submission than you are simply flouting your dominance. I'd love to hear the flip side of the story. Or even my side, from someone who's actually experienced this.

Finally, I've read a couple of posts by doms who seem to like the process of totally objectifying their sub. I'm not sure how you do that without dehumanizing them and that, I think, could be dangerous ground. More speculation, though. I do not know enough to speak with authority.

Any thoughts or answers for me out there?

The Right Touch

More things best not done alone...

BG and I are on the outs, with no idea whether it's permanent or not.
I look wistfully at the fading remains of the last bruises he gave me. Memories of the strong hands that created these marks flood through me and I sigh.
Will there ever be more?

At work, my arms were full of keyboards, cables, and a stack of hard drives. For all they seem solid and stackable, hard drives are slippery little critters and one slid from the pile. In a totally reflexive move, I clamped my thighs together and caught it before it hit the pavement. Hard edges and corners dug relentlessly into my flesh. Ow, ow, ow!

In the tub the next day, I spot a purple L-shape on the inside of each thigh. When pressed together, they form the perfect outline of a rectangle. I smile, then realize the colors gently echo the bloom on my knee, where I whacked it getting into the boat two days earlier. Oh, and look! The other leg sports fading glory from cracking my shin on the ladder while scraping last week.

I should know better than to think I will ever be without bruises.
But the self-inflicted ones are no fun.
I want those hands behind them.

Journal Musings 6

(I'm not sure if I made this clear but although I'm posting weekly journal entries, I started writing them back in February. So right now, we're still only up to about mid-March. Just mentioning it in case there seems to be some disconnect on occasion.)

Itchy Thoughts

It's been 3 weeks since I last saw BG and I'm experiencing something I didn't expect: My body is missing him terribly. But not as in, I'm horny. (Although I certainly am that!) It's more. I miss the mind-fuck. I miss the feeling of laying myself open to him. I miss the use. Which is kind of a surprise.

I surfed some to see if this was a common reaction. Didn't find much but one piece about "submissive frenzies" did refer to the sheer itchiness of subs who hadn't been played in a while.
So I guess I'm frenzied. (yikes!)

I also came across something else that struck me. It was a comment by a Dom that said basically, don't give me your submission unless I've indicated I'm receptive to it - how would you like it if a Dom did that to you?
This makes perfect sense but it still caught me off-guard.
Shoot. I hate falling into stereotypes.

Scratching My Head...

Vesta's recent post about playfulness got the n00b to wondering.
In particular, the thought she shared, "A top once told me that women who were into being spanked were more youthful of mind. Perhaps, the play keeps us feeling young..."

At first I thought, "That's the key. Playfulness."
I'm quite playful in general and I know that the aspect of play is a great deal of what attracts me to BDSM. Not that I'm rolling around giggling while my body parts are being bruised, I hasten to add. (I'm kinked but not THAT kinked!)
Presumably, everyone who's into BDSM participates because they enjoy it, in one form or another. It is a way of stepping back and escaping everyday life, of releasing our cares amid a cathartic rush of sheer feeling. Sounds like play to me.

The problem with that view, however, is that it doesn't cover the aspect of need. I once commented to Pygar that any extreme emotion can be addictive. Being a n00b, I don't know enough about the process to know if it's an addiction that will require more and more to satisfy or if it's like being a coffee junkie, where the amount of stimulant can remain constant, just don't, by God, tell me to cut down!

What I do know is that, having experienced BDSM play, I really cannot imagine going without. Sex without submission holds no appeal. Being submissive centers me, helps complete me. And that sounds more intrinsic than just a love of play.

I can't find a simple answer.
Can you?

The Sum of the Parts?

Or some of them, anyway.
Don't ask my why I got the bug up my nose to post this.
I just did and it won't go away. So, here.
Pieces of me:

Journal Musings 5

The n00b had a bit of a rough week but I'm sure she'll be feeling curious again soon.
(Plus, she and Vesta are having fun contemplating a little project. There may even be twirling involved... That should perk her up!)
In the meantime, please enjoy the next journal entry. :-)

This Sounds About Right...

"Many submissives are strong individuals and their submission is to a strong partner, not to the world at large. There has to be a tension (in a good sense) between two people who are equal in strength and completeness, a push and pull between worthy opponents. What thrill is there for a Dominant in having someone weak surrender their teeny bit of weakness?" - unknown

I hope the last bit is true because the first part sure sounds right to me.
I could have chewed up and spit out most of the men I've dated, which meant I was always policing myself to be sure I didn't do just that. Talk about exhausting! I want a man strong and comfortable enough that the censor isn't needed. Just let me be me...

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Most welcome, bondage, for thou art a way, I think, to liberty. -- Shakespeare

I Should Have Read The Manual

So, I have occasionally contemplated the whys and hows of wax-play. It's nothing BG has ever suggested and I can't say the idea is particularly titillating but yeah, I'm sort of curious about the concept.

Fast-forward to my nephew's birthday. He had started to blow out the candles when his mother yelped, "NOT YET! The camera's not ready!" So there he is, with one smoldering candle among the lit. It's a significant birthday. He deserves the whole wish, dammit. Let's start over.

Being a good aunt, I reached over and plucked a lit candle with which to rekindle the dud. A blob of hot wax dripped onto my finger. The reflexive recoil plunged my finger right in a dancing flame. You could hear the little ball o' wax sizzling as it melted and puddled.
I am now sporting one seriously ugly burn on my finger.

Wax-play. It's not for klutzes...