I lost a follower the other day.
Not a big deal in and of itself, certainly, until I realized later that the reason she had vanished was because she had closed her blog down. As in, "this blog no longer exists" (as opposed to the "is by invitation only" we all go through every once in a while.)
And that made me sad… because, altho' this person wasn't one of my blogging chums, I did read her periodically… and had been concerned for her over the past several months. Her online D/s "match made in heaven" did not weather the transition to real life very well. No assholery involved, just the simple realization that the idea wasn't as viable as they'd thought, that they couldn't maintain their roles amid the reality of day to day life.
Yet when she started her blog, she was blissfully happy, brimming with confidence, giddy with expectation…
Because she had read "Fifty Shades of Grey" and found herself.
Can I just tell you how apprehensive I get when I read those words?
Certainly, there are many submissives out there who've been able to put a name to their desires from reading the books and for whom reading the book was a watershed event. Please don't hate mail me because you think I'm scoffing at you -- I'm not, truly.
Anything that helps us find and understand ourselves is valuable and awesome.
But…
There is a great deal of difference between reading a hot-but-somewhat-dubiously-accurate work of fiction that makes you long for a similar kind of excitement in your life, and the reality of actually yielding yourself to a dominant.
A lot of us are susceptible to the allure of that fantasy… it's extremely compelling, after all. (Even typing the words "yielding yourself to a dominant" just made me a little melty…) The problem is, however, that not nearly so many of us are actually in possession of the kind of nature that makes submission a viable option.
Initially, we think we are, of course… it is certainly exhilarating to revel in the attention, the fantasy-fulfillment, the plain ol' high of being kinky, after all. And that high can prove to be very addictive, very quickly… particularly when you're being asked to do things that let you fly. No one ever balks at being required to do something they already want to.
The first time your dominant insists on something you're not that keen on, however, you realize that it really isn't all one big party here. Sort of like joining the Navy because you think sailing sounds like fun… and then experiencing boot camp. The gloves come off, the fantasy crumbles, and it's no longer fun, it's not longer easy…
And, for some, it's no longer right.
Sure, it's tempting to dream about how relaxing it would be not to have to make any of the hard decisions that face us. But the charm of that thought can lead us to overlook the fact that someone else's decisions may very well not reflect the choices we would make - and that's not always so easy to be sanguine about.
Yet the reality is that at some point, you will be asked to comply gracefully with a decision that you disagree with -- something that makes you want to argue, rather than accede.
And when that happens, it can be a surprisingly short number of hops from, "I'm deliriously happy" to, "This is not what I signed up for…" to "Fuck off!"
Even in my relationship, which is far looser than what most of my fellow bloggers choose, following his way often leaves me wanting to grab the damn crop and smack him with it.
It's not easy stuff...
Of course, any relationship is a crap-shoot, we know this. Life never hands out guarantees so I certainly am NOT saying that people shouldn't explore and experiment in the name of "following your bliss" -- they absolutely should.
But I'm far more comfortable on their behalf when they do so in a considered fashion, rather than a "holy shit, this is great stuff, let's go face down and snort it up our noses!" fashion.
You may be well be right that you have found your niche, but please, take your time.
Make sure you can float before you jump into the deep end of the pool.
I don't want to lose any more followers to BDSM Fantasy Fail.
Welcome to Kink -
Please Mind the Gap
18 comments:
Good post...just this past week Master reminded me....it is not always supposed to be to your liking....
hugs abby
As a newbie...thank you. We are just finding our way, taking it very, very slowly. We have agreed that I will always have my say, but in the end he will make the decision. At some point I am sure he will hear me out but not agree. GASP. I guess that will be a defining moment and it will be my job to find my best submissive self. Hoping I can do that with grace. Sigh...
If I could be in love with a post, this would be it.
"that high can prove to be very addictive, very quickly… particularly when you're being asked to do things that let you fly. No one ever balks at being required to do something they already want to."
Well said, well said!
I grabbed the crop and smacked him with it once upon a time...Very long ago...Only once...It was a regrettable decision...
Excellent post, you put my misgivings about new people coming into the lifestyle expecting to make fantasy a reality into a far better post than I could do. Very well done.
This is lovely.
You're right, anything that inspires one to find themselves is awesome.
Its almost impossible to explain to someone who is new, just after reading FSOG the type of relationship we have.
I understand that most can distinguish between reality and fantasy but my reality probably doesn't look like the one you fantasized about.
And ye gods, I once flicked him with the flogger, I'm ouch just remembering that.
I was working up to a comment on your actual post, then I read the last bit of lil and Bleue's comments, and I completely lost my train of thought. I'm kinda awe struck in their bravery...or maybe it's stupidity? We'll go with bravery because I'm not going to mess with those two! ;)
I've never commented here. Actually the only non Dd type blog I have ever commented on has been Misty's. We started off as Dd ( so I thought apparently we were more D/s I've been told. Yes you read that right..TOLD). Anywho after 3 plus years we went from Dd ( we thought but not great at it) to more D/s and back again. Regardless of the 'alphabet soup' aspect of of ttwd, I know this is the most difficult thing I/we have ever done in our entire lives.
For me and many of my friends the struggles happen far more often than the highs. However the highs seem to be enough to keep the drive alive. At least for me and the circles I 'run' in. Self reflection has been key for both of us. As a result sometimes I want to smash that mirror more than I want to hit him with the ( insert weapon of choice).
Blah, blah, blah...it isn't glamorous is what I should have just said. It can be absolutely wonderful, but so often it SUCKS...LMAO
willie
Beautifully stated Jz! I worry when I see people in blogland commenting that they 'finally found themselves' when reading FSOG...in addition to being poorly written, it is not realistic and the movie is worse! This is a great PSA! Thanks so much.
Hugs and blessings...Cat
a-
Thank you.
And yeah, that part does seem to get in the way on occasion, doesn't it?
D-
Welcome! (to the blog and to the party)
BG always lets me have my say, too - and he truly listens to it. And I have to say, that helps a lot. So you may find more grace than you might think when that moment comes...
(If not, step away from the crop!)
l-
Thanks, sunshine. :-)
Poor decision or not, I don't understand why more people don't report having done the same thing. You and Bleue and I can't be the only 3 submissives with a temper…!
T-
Thank you.
"Misgivings" is a very good word for it, indeed.
B-
I'm glad you liked it.
That line between encouragement and caution is a fine one, indeed, isn't it?
You and lil and I need to go out for coffee, it's clear…
M-
Maybe we'll compromise and call it "humanity"? ;-p
As I said above, I'm actually stunned we don't hear of it happening more often…
Altho' I do know one sub who admitted to throwing a wireless egg at her dom… but that was actually over a post-scene political disagreement, so I'm not sure if it counts. :-D
W-
Welcome to you, as well!
As an aside, I've always found the boundary between Dd and D/s to be a bit fuzzy, altho' it's kind of like that old chestnut about art - you think you know it when you see it. Interesting to hear from someone who rides the borders. :-)
But I can see what you mean about the frustrations being almost greater with yourself than with him.
Really, you pretty much nailed it with your summary. :-)
C-
Thank you, miz Cat.
Yes, I do worry about the headlong rushers, I'm afraid. Particularly when their grasp of the realities are so inaccurate...
"I'm actually stunned we don't hear of it happening more often…"
^ I'm not. There are only a few that write about conflict. There are only a few that write about the tough times. There are only a few that share it really isn't always shiny and pretty.^
B-
hmmm…
I both agree and disagree, I think.
(Or maybe those few make up a higher percentage of my reading than a wider range would, so my view is skewed...)
Anyhow, I agree that not a lot write about conflict between the two in the relationship…
But I do think there are plenty of people that write about how difficult they are finding it -- but the difference is in how they frame that difficulty.
It tends not to be presented as conflict, per se, but gets turned inward and made into an opportunity for self-flagellation... a sort of martyrdom, if you will. (Or occasionally, it's turned completely outward and made all the fault of the dominant "not doing it right".)
But you are right, that that isn't the same thing as just saying, "we don't agree and we're fighting about it". Maybe it makes you a bad bottom/sub/slave to admit that…?
I think it's hard for most people to talk about problems because society puts so much pressure on us to be perfect. I also think when you enter this world that pressure is amplified along with everything else. It seems to be natural to put blame somewhere/on someone (maybe it is another way to find ways to improve quality of life?) rather than just accepting this is part of life.
M-
I agree… altho I would probably add that the pressure isn't just toward perfection but also for us to be strong. I think we (all) only like to admit to weaknesses that make us interestingly human, not the ones that we truly abhor.
But I may once again have the wrong end of the stick. :-)
I see your point; many times the difficulties that are shared are inner struggles. And yes, there is definitely a feeling that it makes you a bad 's' type to admit it. I felt that way at times. Oh yah. Let's not be weak. I hate being weak coz I'm a superwarriorsuperwoman ;-p
Misty-Pressure from who to be perfect? Ourselves, yes, I can see that and yah, I think anything the intensity of a power exchange relationship does amplify everything.
Standing up and clapping. So brilliantly said. That needed to be said. .and it's engendered some great discussion here too. Well done my friend.
B-
It's an interesting conundrum, isn't it?
"I can't be weak but I must be pliable…"
SuperwarriorGumbywoman?
n-
thanks, sunshine.
I decided I'd bitten my tongue long enough. ;-p
Great post! I agree. And, as you said, even for those of us who have been at this for awhile, those of us who found our "niche" long ago, it's not always easy. I posted something along those lines just today actually. ;)
L-
Glad you like it, glad you agree. :-)
It's not even the not easy sometimes, it's the kind of not easy…
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