Journal Musings 1

This reads better all in one shot but I doubt that format would work online. You guys would slide to the floor in a stupor and I'd incur an Extreme Verbiage surcharge from Blogger. So we'll just do it in installments, shall we?
Now, you enjoy while I go relax at the beach before my birthday dinner! -Jez

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"Yet before we can surrender ourselves we must become ourselves. For no one can give up what he does not possess." -- Thomas Merton
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How I Got Here

Actually, I blame SP. Twenty-eight years of bad influence! ;-)

First, he showed the young me that I wasn't dreaming when I'd imagined all that sex could be. Blazingly hot, incredibly playful, astonishingly open, with very, very few boundaries. And a whole lot of laughter and caring tossed in. We set the bar pretty high but I can't see that as a bad thing. (Later beaux may disagree but we wave our hand dismissively at them... {g})

Then a few years ago, he advised, "You have to figure out what you want, then you'll be able to find it." Specious though that felt, he did have a point. (dammit.) So I started trying to quantify. Something had always been missing. What exactly was it?

Several months later, he delivered the coup de grace as we were reminiscing about past lovers. "See? You like to sub, I like to dom." I started to protest but couldn't, as realization crashed down on my head.
Shit. He's right.
A whole lot of pieces dropped into place.

But I was still a little resistant even if this did hit a nerve. I dug deeper.
OK, self, think of the best lovers you ever had. Now, what did they have in common?
Ooooohhhhhhh... Is THAT what that was?
Oh. I guess I do like it!

Not that we'd gone for full-out BDSM play, in either case. But there were elements and those are the memories that still make me go tingly. SP, in fact, never made any secret of his interest in spanking and bondage, he just never called it D/s, per se, and naive idiot-girl here never connected those particular dots.

Submission, huh? OK, This is a little scary and a little off-putting. But a lot compelling. Time to think.

I read a lot, thought a lot, and asked SP lots of questions. It's a bit tricky to decide on something that's basically unknown. You want to be sure that you're not mixing up fantasy and reality, so you need to try to be as scrupulously honest with yourself as possible.

Still, however, after many long, hard thinks, I decided that yes, I really want to try submission and see if it fits the way I think it will.

So, now what?