Ten to One - Day Five

Day Five: Six things I wish I’d never done.

This one was a bit challenging for me because there really aren't all that many things I sit around and kick myself for… Some, sure. I'm human. But the majority of unfortunate decisions I have made were made for good reason … and had good things come of them eventually. Plus, they've all brought me to where I am now and, despite the odd stubbed toe, for the most part, I like it here. 

So this was a hard one for me.

But it is the question given, so I shall do my best.

(Even if my brain seems to have downgraded it to "wish I hadn't" instead...)

1- Wasted four years taking French instead of Russian

       I thought French would be easier -- Wrong! 

2- Fallen for the, "this is the kind of guy you should be dating" hype

       In my efforts to please, I forgot to be me -- and paid the price.

3- Let myself get out of the habit of exercising

       They don't lie when they tell you it doesn't get easier…

4- Forgotten for 20 years that I was going to want to retire someday

       ("peahead" might be the word you're looking for?)

5- Let fear drive me to cowardice

       I have not liked the reflection in the mirror when I've succumbed.

6- Fractured my skull

       (I don't think this one needs explanation, really.)

And soon, you'll be reading about five people who mean a lot to me…

(I'll bet you can already guess at least two of them!)

Pleasing

We had an amazing visit the last time he was over -- really, the kind that leaves you not only smiling but feeling downright warm and fuzzy, right down to the cockles of your heart. It took me a while, however, to figure out what it was that had made everything that little bit more special. But I eventually got it...

It was the pleasing.

Subs always like to be pleasing, of course.

But most of the time, for us at least, what pleases him (outside of the eternally-mandatory blow job) is for me to give him unrestricted access to my body, to play with however he desires.

Now, do not misunderstand -- I'm totally down with that!

The Inner Slut adores that kind of use.

I find it incredibly erotic to be told exactly what to do to please him and to be lavishly praised for so doing. (Not to mention that it's incredibly fulfilling, as well.)

But the other night, what pleased him was to give me a short period of unrestricted access to play with his body…

   …and the Inner Sensualist had a Field Day. 

True, there's always plenty to revel in when being totally guided by him... the sensualist is never deprived -- but she's rarely off her leash, either. There's much to enjoy, but all of the pleasure takes place within a predetermined space.

So it's a marvelous thing to be given your head on occasion.

   To be told, "I want whatever you got!"

   To put a shit-eating grin on his face with your offering.

   To be allowed to affirm that you please, even when you're making it up as you go along.

It isn't the kind of interaction I want all the time -- I quickly miss the control. (And frankly, I don't think he can relinquish it for much more than a few minutes at a pop, anyhow!)

But, ooo, it can be really lovely, just every once in a while, to be allowed to please him by doing what I please…  :-D

Ten to One - Day Four

Day Four: Seven things that cross my mind a lot.

There are actually quite a lot of things that frequently cross my mind.

Really, this is just a random sampling! :-)

1- I really must get a new job...

2- I need more coffee…

3- oh dear, I can't tell if I've read this book before…

4- It's actually amazing that more of us aren't killed while driving...

5- Is it nap time yet…?

6- I should probably clean that…

7- Wow, does this recipe look good!!

I'll probably give you a break with a regular post before the Day Five…

But then you'll be finding out six things I wish I'd never done!

Ten to One - Day Three

Day Three: Eight ways to win my heart.

1- make me laugh 

     (this is not in the #1 slot by accident.)

2- be considerate, even to strangers

     (this warms my soul.)

3- THINK

     (or go home.)

4- be open-minded

     (which also goes along with 2 and 3...)

5- loan me a book you love

     (bonus points if the pages are well-thumbed.)

6- offer to help me with the odd house maintenance task

     (so much nicer to tackle with someone by your side.)

     

7- get my jokes 

     (not always easy, I know...)

8- enjoy language play 

     (and, oh, the places we will go!)

(OK, I hope you took notes!) ;-p

"Seven Things That Cross My Mind A Lot" coming up soon!

Another Realization is Knocked Loose

(I've decided to space out the meme a bit but don'choo worry, we'll get back to those eight ways to win my heart!)

I was talking with my friend Q the other day, discussing the whole "men want sex" aspect of relationships, during which I expressed my frustration at how touchy males get over anything that smacks of emotional attachment. I mean, I understand that sex is the primary reason they're with us but why do any accompanying signs of emotion trigger such mad thrashing?

At which point Q observed,

"It's not the emotion, it's that women seem to want you on a leash…"

As my mouth was opening in protest, he continued, 

"…they always want to know where you are, what you're up to, who you're with…"

And... my mouth snapped shut.

Because I had, just one short hour earlier, texted BG to see whether or not he'd left on a trip he'd been undecided about taking.

Now, in my defense, that was the first bit of any sort of communication between us in a week - so I won't say I worried I'd stepped into the arena of leash-tugging… but still, the comment gave me of those moments when your perspective is nudged slightly to the side and suddenly, that's a whole different picture in front of you.

I'd asked the question of BG because... I was curious. Sure, there was a bit of wanting to feel included in his life, but mostly, it was nothing more than just wondering if he was getting to do That Fun Thing He'd Had Planned. 

However, the timing of Q's words brought home how, with only a slight change in filter, my curiosity might not seem so innocent or benign. This difference in perspective is something that trips all of us up more than we'd like. We hear the words someone says to us … but we generally fill in the motivation for *why* they used those words. And nine times out of ten, that is the part where the misunderstanding lies. "What did you decide?" is heard as, "Why don't I know what you are doing?" and suddenly, perfectly innocent conversation has gone completely haywire.

And it's frighteningly easy to do.

How many times have you been taken aback by how your words were interpreted?

I run into it all the time. In fact, BG and I almost stalled our fresh start right in it's infancy over just that kind of thing. He had a severe knee-jerk reaction to a question simply because of the motivation he attached to it and the jig was nearly up. (He did add later that his brain recognized immediately that his association was unlikely, but his emotions were already triggered, so it still took him a couple of days of deep breathing before he could quell his initial response.)

And he and I understand each other pretty darned well…

I cannot imagine how people with less familiarity ever succeed at communicating.

Actually, it's a wonder any of us manage to sustain a relationship for more than 4 days…!

Ten to One - Day Two

Day Two: Nine things about me

I'm always interested in hearing these answers from other people, but I'm not convinced mine have the same effect. But, this is the question, so...

Here are my nine factoids:

1. Birds creep me out

     (except when they're soaring overhead.)

2. I have never worn a "bought" Halloween costume.

3. I suspect I was a Druid in some past life.

4. I want to learn how to carve wood.

5. My first kiss took place in a potato field.

6. My lifetime average for bones broken is about one every 3.5 years.

7. I avoid the color orange.

8. I name my cars.

9. I wanted to be an archaeologist when I grew up.

Next will be Day Three -- Eight Ways to Win My Heart

(you're gonna wanna take notes, I'm sure!) ;-p

Ten to One - Day One

Generally, I'm not that taken with memes. They often don't contain questions I find interesting and even when they do, they may well string so many questions together that you feel bludgeoned by extraneous detail long before you reach the end. This one found on "Our Journey", however, struck me as actually being fun, both to write and to read. (Or mostly, anyhow. I'm not too keen on Day Two… but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.) 

It's just lists but somehow, the structure of the meme makes it appealing to me. (On day one, you list ten things and you work your way down to one thing on day ten.)

Small, manageable, and I get topics for my next ten posts... Score!

So, without further ado... 

Day One: 

Ten things I'd like to say to ten different people right now (living or dead)

I decided to leave out the obvious ones that I've actually already voiced to people (like "I love you" to my friends, or "I'm glad you're back" to BG) and just stuck with Things Unsaid. 

1. @Mom:

     I still miss you.

2. @MLN Hanover:

     Another volume of The Black Sun's Daughter series SOON, please!

3. @Any good accountant/financial advisor:

     Do you do pro bono?

4. @SP:

     That piece that's mine alone...?

     I'm not giving it back.  ;-p

5. @Any Kardashian Family Member: 

      psssst...! We don't really care.

6. @Robin Williams:

     Please don't.

7. @Apple Marketing Team:

     Figure out one way you want to handle volume purchasing and stick with it. 

      Please and thank you. 

8. @Thomas Hardy:

     It's a meadow, for cripe's sake! Move on, already!

9. @Sister Wendy:

     I'm SO glad you agreed to leave your caravan for a while…
     I've loved it all.

10. @Grandpa:

     I learned more from your silence than you might ever have supposed.

     You were the best.

Stay tuned for the dread Day Two, when we will discuss (sorry!) -- nine things about me. 
(I'll try to be interesting...)