So, I got a little distracted the other day, reading that nilla's Master said she couldn't cut her hair because it had just reached the point where he could wrap a fistful of hair fully around his hand.
That is *such* a hot-sounding thing, isn't it?
To have him wrap his fist in your hair and just pull you to wherever and whatever he wants…
(pauses for dreamy sigh)
The reality for me is far different, I'm afraid.
Not only is my hair completely unsuited to wrap 'n' pulling, I'm still working off the remnants of skittishness from a long-ago Very Bad Date. Much tho' I love the fantasy of head grabbing, the reality can still set off some pretty strong reactions.
But BG knows this and has been patiently working to gentle me to his hand.
And we've been doing pretty well, if I do say so myself.
Or so I thought…
But the other night was the big test -- and I'm not sure I scored much higher than a C+ … bell curved.
The introductory portion of the event unfolded splendidly.
I was bound, upended, and in the midst of a very thorough reaming.
Life was oh-so-good.
And then... my hair was grabbed and pulled.
Firmly, slowly, inexorably, nerve-wrackingly pulled.
Every slut's dream - with just a touch of nightmare overlay.
I wanted to melt.
A small piece of me actually did.
But a much bigger piece just plain froze.
I worked hard to relax into it but I could only manage that in pulses.
So I'd relax, tighten, relax, tighten, relax … (you get the idea.)
In my defense, I didn't totally freak.
Nor did he feel it necessary to let me go until we were quite done, thank you very much.
But I didn't fool anyone, either.
"Man, you really wanted your head back, didn't you?"
"Yes, sir. I'm sorry, sir", I mumbled into the rumpled sofa cushions.
Danged weak flesh...
8 comments:
If it helps? It hurts. It thrills because of the lack of control...and it hits a fear-point for me, too. Totally under His control Totally unable to stop Him. It's FREAKY...but it is hot. :)
Good for you for working your way through to the other side. Besides, I think they enjoy seeing our inner struggles with this sort of thing. Just coz they are that perverse. :)
nilla
n-
yeah, I suppose if we're not struggling, we aren't being pushed enough. And he never gives me grief about failing, as long as I've tried. The effort (and some progress where feasible) is (/are) all he requires.
I'm the one who gets all mopey and let-down about it...
It's that SuperBitch complex... ;-)
Hmmm, not sure how you "failed." Is it only success if you love it? i think tolerating it is pretty huge.
Just my 2 bits worth...
sofia
I find it terribly depressing when the spirit is willing and the brain is...Disagreeable?
I'm the one who gets all mopey and down about it around here, so you aren't alone in that. It's hard not to!
From an outside perspective, it's perfectly fine and natural though. Such effort could even be called a great success! Now if only I could see it that way in my own dealings...
s-
I know it's not failure if I basically got through it.
But I don't like the thought of simply tolerating something he so enjoys. I want to be right there with him…
But yes, I might have a tiny bit of a perfection complex…
very tiny
l-
It is hard not to, even when your brain knows better…
I'll try to remind you of this periodically! ;-p
and maybe some of what gets them hot and stirred up is our ultimate suffering to 'get through it" even if WE feel it's a 'fail'. For them perhaps it isn't quite so black and white, and they enjoy that we suffered for them (and often in a less obvious way than moaning or crying in pain...this is more of a ...um...in our head? kind of thing).
more thoughts on pondering your comments (or maybe I'm just navel gazing!)
nilla
n-
He has said that his greatest pleasure in our relationship is how I let him do anything he wants to me. (Which is a generous statement, as it's not unknown for him to have to adapt his wants to fit with what I can handle.)
So while I completely agree with you that he enjoys seeing me struggle to achieve that acquiescence… the fact that I'm exhibiting any kind of resistance - even if I overcome it - feels like I'm denying him. Whether my head knows better or not, it just feels that way.
In thinking about this, however, comparing it to other times that I've struggled to meet his expectations… I realized that we probably need to mention the elephant in the room here, as well.
Because in hindsight, I suspect part of the reason I was more distressed by this particular "failure" than I have been by others lies in the reason the issue exists in the first place.
Frankly, I'm angry with myself for still - 30 fucking years later - letting the rat bastard who date-raped me have any kind of impact on my sexual enjoyment. I've worked long and hard to take that power back - and for the most part succeeded. That he can still be messing with my head AT ALL infuriates me - makes me frustrated by my own weakness - and sets me up to feel like I just can't get anything right.
So.
There you have it.
Way more than you ever wanted to know - and I'm glad it's buried in the little-read comment section.
But I figure if you're going to name the elephant, you shouldn't do so in a whisper behind closed doors...
screaming the elephants name is kinda like calling out rumplestilskin...it kills it, makes it visible.
it hurts you when it hides. Thanks for sharing. Serious. Because 'getting over' these things takes time. The circle grows weaker, thinner, the more we move through it, and defeat it. The residue may still be there, but the effects will lessen...and lessen...(and sometimes bitch slap us)...then weaken again.
And wise Dom that he is, sounds like he is doing some excellent care for you during and after.
A fail?
oh, i think not.
nilla
(you are the strongest bitch I know. :) (she says with love and a smile)
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